No Lovely Unicorns

For the A – Z Blogging Challenge … U is for Unicorn. Unicorns always make me play the Irish Rovers in my head.

A long time ago, when the Earth was green
There was more kinds of animals than you’ve ever seen
They’d run around free while the Earth was being born
And the loveliest of all was the unicorn

There was green alligators and long-necked geese
Some humpty backed camels and some chimpanzees
Some cats and rats and elephants, but sure as you’re born
The loveliest of all was the unicorn

The Lord seen some sinning and it gave Him pain
And He says, “Stand back, I’m going to make it rain”
He says, “Hey Noah, I’ll tell you what to do
Build me a floating zoo,
and take some of those…

Green alligators and long-necked geese
Some humpty backed camels and some chimpanzees
Some cats and rats and elephants, but sure as you’re born
Don’t you forget My unicorns

Old Noah was there to answer the call
He finished up making the ark just as the rain started to fall
He marched the animals two by two
And he called out as they came through
Hey Lord,

I’ve got green alligators and long-necked geese
Some humpty backed camels and some chimpanzees
Some cats and rats and elephants, but Lord, I’m so forlorn
I just can’t find no unicorns”

And Noah looked out through the driving rain
Them unicorns were hiding, playing silly games
Kicking and splashing while the rain was falling
Oh, them silly unicorns

There was green alligators and long-necked geese
Some humpty backed camels and some chimpanzees
Noah cried, “Close the door because the rain is falling
And we just can’t wait for no unicorns”

The ark started moving, it drifted with the tide
The unicorns looked up from the rocks and they cried
And the waters came down and sort of floated them away
That’s why you never see unicorns to this very day

You’ll see green alligators and long-necked geese
Some humpty backed camels and some chimpanzees
Some cats and rats and elephants, but sure as you’re born
You’re never gonna see no unicorns

I’ve seen new verses added where they find a way to save the unicorns but I like the classic version best, cause the fact is – you don’t see unicorns around much. But, how would you write an extra verse to the traditional song, if you were saving the unicorns?

My Cats are on Facebook

You can’t always get what you want. I miss having cats around but I only like cats outside. So for now I am living in a suburban area and just don’t have cats. Except for my cats on Facebook.

Is that pitiful or just silly?

Their names are Dinah and Eliza. They don’t like too much petting and they catch their own fish.

The Slant of the News

I stopped listening to the news a long time ago. If you listen too much it feels like there is no hope at all. Another woman missing, another woman found murdered, another woman shot in the head by her boyfriend/ husband. If you listen to all of that who would you ever trust, you’d become paranoid and live like a hermit with far too many cats and your groceries being delivered – but just to the fence, not to the door itself!

The economic stuff aside, the violence and aggressiveness is what really worries me. So, I’ve just stopped listening to it. Once you stop listening to the news you remember what life was like when your world was more about your neighbours than the world at large. You focus on what the people you can help everyday are doing and what they need. Everything looks much better when you deal with what is in front of you instead of looking at the world – as reported by the news mongers who want to sell papers after all. Newspapers aren’t exactly out there to report world peace and good will to all men. They make money by selling us fear, thrills and chills.

If you listen to the news you have to keep in mind that you are getting a warped version of the world. Sex, fear and violence sell far better than the kid who found their lost puppy. They save the nice news for somewhere inside the paper. Good news seldom makes page one.

My comment as posted to Ken’s Writing blog. A post about dealing with too much negative news.

Dragons for the (un) Death-Match

A post I made for the (un) Death-Match.

Source: Free for all Pitch: Dragons | (un) Death-Match Presents: Free For All

Free for all Pitch: Dragons

How can werewolves battle dragons? Werewolves are very, highly flammable. They can’t fly. They may have claws and teeth but they don’t have a great, long tail to flick their foes out of their way. We dragons have long been held in esteem and for good reason. Dragons are magical, mystical and wise. Dragons are also covered in body armour.

Those werewolf teeth and claws can’t penetrate dragon scales which are prized by wizards and warriors! Our dragon scales are excellent protection, tempered by our own fire, as armour it is undefeatable.

Fire, so warm, so bright, so very dangerous to fur bearing animals. They cringe away from fire, even just a lit match makes them nervous. What hope do werewolves have against a dragon who can breathe fire? A quick blast of flame and the werewolves will be running for their very lives. In battle, the smell of burnt dog is not appealing. Dragons are very clean (the rumours about sulfur are not true) creatures. Being clean is important for aerodynamics.

Before the werewolves can regroup for an attack dragons will be gone, flying high above them. No matter how high a werewolf manages to jump it can’t catch a dragon in flight. The battle would be over before it really began. Dragons can easily fly above the pack of werewolves just shooting fire down upon them. What hope do the poor furries have?

Even on the ground the dragon still has the surprise element, a tail that isn’t just for wagging around, stirring up dust motes. A quick flick of the dragon’s tail and the werewolves will be scattered, wounded and lost. Just think of how much damage a dragon’s tail can really do to those bodies armoured in mere fur.

Dragon wisdom is well known. While werewolves are out hunting for small forest creatures dragons are building hoards of treasure, including books of great knowledge. Yes, dragons hunt too. But, dragons don’t settle for small animals which are only small meals. A dragon picks up something to make a real meal, like a werewolf, for instance. Saves time for more reading rather than all that time hunting for silly little rabbits, mice and such.

Dragons can be all sizes, massively Godzilla-like or cosy and petite, perfect for perching on shoulders and whispering advice into all the right ears. We do have a lot of knowledge. Unlike werewolves we spend our immortal time in the quest for knowledge, to gain intelligence and inspiration for ourselves and others. Dragons are very helpful, or at least as helpful as we want to be at any given time.

Don’t think dragons are too egotistical. Dragons are proud but reasonable and well mannered too. Don’t assume the werewolf thing has not been researched. The werewolves in Kelley Armstrong’s books have done a lot to make them look good, clever even. Rachel Vincent’s werecats have been a popular choice. Likely because dragons have more in common with cats than dogs. Dogs just aren’t as clever, nimble and mysterious as dragons and cats.

Do werewolves have anything like DragonCon? A convention for dragon lovers/ fans.

Dragons like reading the Dragon Septs series by Katie MacAlister. Gena Showalter has the Atlantis series featuring dragon warriors. There are the Black Dragon Brotherhood books by J.R. Ward, though only one of the men turns into a dragon, during battle. Still, the books are an example of the impact dragons have on human culture, the admiration and esteem given to dragons. It’s one thing to be feared throughout history but quite another to be feared and admired! Don’t forget the favourite of many, the Dragon Riders of Pern by Anne McCaffrey, not new but worth finding. Other notables include Tanith Lee, Mercedes Lackey, Patricia C. Wrede, Robin McKinley and Stephanie Rowe (her Immortally Sexy series which sadly seems to be at an end).

Then there are paranormal writers (Michelle Rowen, Lynsay Sands and Kerrelyn Sparks) who should be writing about dragons, but have not yet. Why not?Before I end this Undeath Match post I must admit I am biased to the side of the dragons. I was born in the Year of the Dragon. So many great and wonderful people were. Dragons are the only mystical animal in the Chinese zodiac. I think they gives us something extra to live up to!

– Laura

Thank you for your contribution!

Goldfish are Carnivorous

Goldfish are carnivorous. They make look pretty empty headed, bubble brained and appear to be no threat at all. But, they do eat more than just plants. If you’ve assumed your local goldfish was harmless, you need to rethink things.

Imagine goldfish trained to be aggressive, bloodthirsty even. Someone who is really into weird, macabre stuff has put goldfish in a pond and trained them to eat meat. They begin by throwing in bigger bugs, then the odd chipmunk and then a squirrel. In a few months, just before the end of Autumn when Winter is closing in, the goldfish are tearing chunks of flesh off a side of beef. It’s almost like they have teeth! Kind of sick and twisted.

The goldfish overwinter in their pond as goldfish will. (All of ours survived this year!) But the twisted owner of the goldfish and their pond accidentally falls in when he works at chipping ice away from the top layer. He is almost instantly eaten by the goldfish who have just been waiting for a good meal to end their Winter-long fasting.

The house where the pond is eventually goes up for sale. No one really knows what happened to the owner (or several dogs and cats in the area) but he is assumed to have abandoned the place. So the city claims it and sells it cause it’s a mess and they’d rather not have to bother with it.

The new owner of the property loves fish. He soon realizes all those bones in the bottom of the pond are not just a coincidence, however. Still, he leaves up the signs for “Fluffy” just in case she comes back.

He decides to market the man-eating goldfish. People come from all over to see him drop chunks of meat into the pond and have the goldfish swarm and devour it all. He gets a nice stash of money and builds a nicer house. He even spends a bit on a monument to poor Fluffy who never did come home.

But, goldfish don’t last forever. After ten years there are just three of them left. They have grown to a huge size with appetites to match. He hasn’t had luck saving the fertilized eggs any time they have spawned, they just eat them too quickly. The remaining goldfish can’t be expected to last much longer. Still, the show must go on! So he sets up a new pond and begins training a new batch of goldfish to be man eaters. Of course, it takes time. Evolution can’t be rushed.

However, what he doesn’t realize… the original man eating goldfish feel they are not getting enough to eat, now that he is so busy training new goldfish. So they evolve a bit, just because they can. One night they evolved stronger fins, they push/ pull themselves out of the pond and push/ pull themselves along the grass and push/ pull themselves into his house. They snack on “Rover” and get a few bites of “Hunter” before the dog realizes he can run pretty well with just two and a half legs if he really has to.

For all their evolution with the fin legs, the goldfish still can’t breathe out of water for long. They can smell water in the house so they head for it. In the morning, when the home owner walks into the bathroom he finds them in the toilet bowl. After a little scream of surprise and another gasp of fear and a sigh of resignation, he gives them the big flush. The goldfish circle down the drain, on a roller coaster ride to the sewer system. They live there just fine. They breed cause down there the eggs have lots of debris to float around in, undiscovered by the parent fish.

So now you know… they’re out there.

How would you change the goldfish story? Would you rewrite it entirely with your own ideas or just edit it to add details or humour or better spelling?

Barking Mad

Cousin Alicia was never the brightest light in the room. Now she has become hypnotized and will bark (quite loudly) whenever anyone says the word cat in her hearing. It’s kind of amusing for awhile. But not so much when the family gets together at Cousin Barbara’s house, Barbara being the cat lady. You’ve never seen a room full of cats become vacant so fast.

Still, you are in the will for Cousin Alicia so you feel you should do something to help her? After several trials and errors you manage to hypnotize her again. Only you can’t undo the barking command. Instead you can substitute another word. What word will you give her to bark at instead? Something she isn’t likely to hear (and bark to) or something that will be funnier than “cat”? Or both?