Scoop.it: Dare to be a Feminist

My friend, Deanna, writes about a lot of issues to do with women. When I read them, I feel passionate, angry, etc. But, I don’t write about women’s issues or feminism myself. I don’t curate a topic about it. I don’t even look for or read about it.

I don’t think Deanna has ever asked me why. Maybe she already knows, or assumes I’m just one more woman who goes along and doesn’t think about the issues, or especially care. Maybe she thinks I prefer not to know and just walk along, blindly ignoring everything but what’s right in front of me.

That isn’t it. The truth is I just don’t want to keep fighting. I’m not the fighting type. I’m about keeping the peace, finding ways to work things out and getting situations under control. Women are natural peace keepers they say and I believe that to be true.

I grew up as the oldest of four kids. I looked after the others and myself.  I did it pretty well for a kid. My Mother was there. But, she was more like a back up plan. She liked (still does) being busy, always cooking, cleaning or planting something. She was a good Mother but she wasn’t always so hands on. That was me. I learned to keep four kids together when we were out and I learned to keep four pretty different temperaments together when we were home. Situations came up where there were disagreements, problems, even a small house fire, and I handled them all.

I’ve never been particularly into news reading. A headline will catch my eye. I am far more likely to skim the first paragraph then read on to find out the details. If the first paragraph engages me I will skim farther along. I have to be pretty passionate about the topic to read the whole thing. Seems far more people are like me than ever before, when it comes to reading news and blogs.

So, I don’t find the issues important to women first. I read it all second hand.

Don’t assume I’ve had an ideal life, never affected by anything. I’ve been molested as a young teenager. My sister was raped and would have been murdered if someone hadn’t heard her scream and come to look. All sorts of situations and happenings in my life, not all of them about sexual assault. I stopped reading the news or listening to the news a few years ago because I just can’t deal with more violence against women and how deeply angry I feel. You can’t live your day to day life if you are consumed by deep seated anger.

I find it hard to be social, to keep friends. I can be friendly and social in short spurts. I do it really well. People usually like me. But, I’m not connected to anyone, really. I’m isolated and most of who I am likes it this way.

So I don’t keep up with women’s issues. Not because I don’t care. Not because I’m not affected. But, because I’m too affected and I just can’t live with all the anger. I have to keep living and I can’t spend my time fighting everything and everyone. I have enough to do just to fight myself. To keep myself from hiding away from the world.

If you ask me, I will say I’m a feminist. But, it may be that no one will agree with me, or believe me, because I’m not a fighter on the outside.