Anyway, today Todd wanted to go to WalMart so I wandered around looking at this and that: magazines, sewing stuff, purses, greeting cards and the computer section. I saw the HP Photo Scanner 1000, a small scanner geared to people who want to exchange pictures (4×6) over the net. I think its perfect for what I want. It was $78.64 at WalMart, I see it online for $80 to $100.00. Online would also charge shipping and handling so WalMart would be the better choice. But, I will wait to get it when I am in Ontario rather than find out its only waranteed in the US. That is what happened with the IBM computer I bought myself just before I moved to the US and married Todd. Getting it fixed was a time consuming, frustrating process. I ended up taking it back to Ontario to be fixed. I think it was a dead motherboard. They never did tell me.
CNet has a review of the HP scanner. They give it 7 out of 10.
“Don’t sell yourself short.”
That is what a couple of the other managers at HerPlanet told me last night when we had our meeting over the Net. We were talking about how we all have some knowledge and together we pool that and make each of our sites and ourselves better. I agreed with that but then I commented something about how I don’t have anything out of the ordinary to contribute. That is when they chimed in with “don’t sell yourself short”.
I was thinking about it tonight. I always assume anything I know is common knowledge. But, it’s true that I know a bit about a lot of things and I don’t know a lot about anything, any one thing. At least that’s how I feel maybe I’m wrong and I’m just selling myself short again.
Could it be that simple? I’ve felt for a long time that I’m looking for a missing piece of the puzzle that is me and when I find it I will become some sort of wonder woman. A woman who can do it all, have it all and be it all. Oh no, I don’t have overly high expectations at all…
Anyway, I always feel like I am struggling to catch up, that I am a fraud, hoping no one will realize all the errors of my ways, the holes in my plans, the missing link that is me. If I’m just selling myself short… then all I need to do is be contrary at how I look at myself, twist it and turn it around and look at myself in a whole new way. I love that, finding a new viewpoint, a different slant on an idea, a turn of logic and the unexpected. When someone says I’m “odd, but in a nice way” that makes my day.
Back to the short comings thing. If all I need to do is realize I’m selling myself short then how do I convince myself it’s true and move on to the next step from there. Someone else told me I have a great mind. Another person said I’m wonderfully warped. If I pile all those together would that give me the height I’m lacking in the way I look at myself? I don’t think so. Though they help, I still need to change my outlook from the inside out, not the other way around.
So, back to the drawing board. But, I feel I have grown a bit in my own estimation. Like Alice I have to find the ‘drink me’ potion to fit through the little door on my way to Wonderland.
I feel odd about writing the Adult column at BackWash. I’m a nice girl, I’ve always been a good girl. No fooling around, no drugs, drinking or sex. Other than the that found wallet thing I was a good girl other goodie girls could look up to in admiration. That didn’t seem a bad thing either. People liked me cause I was a good girl. I’m not sure I want to know what they will think if they know I secretly write erotica (now and then) and even worse! I maintain an adult column about BDSM and SEX! I shudder to think.
Do nice/ good girls (women we would hope) like erotica? Are we allowed?
“Women constitute half the world’s population, perform nearly two-thirds of its work hours, receive one-tenth of the world’s income, and own less than one-hundredth of the world’s property.” United Nations Report.
“Women have always been the guardians of wisdom and humanity which makes them natural, but usually secret rulers. The time has come for them to rule openly, but together with and not against men.” Charlotte Wolff.
Here is what they wrote about their magazine, how they intended to go on.
Finally, a women’s magazine that honors all women and celebrates the essence of who they are, beyond how they look.
She raises children, maintains the home, follows her own career path, and supports many relationships. Yet with so many fires to tend, the one most neglected – the one most important for the sustenance of the rest – is the fire of the spirit of the woman herself. Beyond the hairdo. Underneath the make-up. Aside from fashion. There is a real woman, living, loving, and creating. She is on the path or discovering and developing her true self. She is cultivating her femininity while reclaiming her power, her voice, her body, her life – so she may experience her journey to the fullest and most joyous extreme. Perspective offers information and tools to assist in the processes of self care, compassionate living, passionate loving, and joyful fulfillmnet, helping today’s woman realize these principles as a mean and an end to meeting her deepest needs and desires as a woman.
Mission Statement: Contemporary and intelligent, Perspective is an informative guide empowering today’s woman to embrace their femininity and connect with their spirituality. Our mission is to provide a vehicle for premium editorial to reach mainstream women currently lacking a resource for messages and products of substance. Assisting women on their journey toward fulfillment, Perspective supports the value of every woman. It is our goal to give each reader the empowerment and inspiration to realize her own greatness.
High ideals, it’s too bad they couldn’t get it off the ground.
Which Moulin Rouge character are you?
I got Christian mainly because I’m a writer I suspect.
You are Christian, the penniless poet. You believe in truth, freedom, and beauty; and above all things, you believe in love. You’re sensitive and emotional, but your heart is strong.
I got Bubbles first but I took it twice more just for kicks. My nephew and I make stories about the PowerPuff Girls. Bubbles is his favourite.
Chinese Zodiac
According to traditional Chinese legend, ages ago Buddha summoned all of the animals and honored those who came by naming a year for them; each animal in turn gave its characteristics to people born in this year.
Note: I’m not typing all of the animal signs. My sign is the dragon, the only mythical animal among them and I think the most powerful, mystical and wise. But, of course, I’m biased. 😉
Dragon: 1904, 1916, 1928, 1940, 1952, 1964, 1976, 1988, 2000, 2012
Passionate and soft-hearted, but somewhat stubborn, very healthy and energetic. You are well-suited to the rat, serpent, and monkey, but ill-suited to the dog.
I’ve always thought I would do well with a rat sign. My almost ex-husband is a serpent sign. My Mother is a monkey sign and my sister, the one I clash with the most, is a dog. My little sister is a rat sign and my only brother is a horse sign. Oddly, my Dad is both a monkey sign and a Sagittarius (also my sign in western astrology) and we never get along, he has always been emotionally abusive.
It’s interesting how the fortune cookie crumbles.
Right now I have five tickets to check. I wanted to make sure to check them before I move. I’m not sure if it would be a problem to collect winnings if I’m not officially living in the US, or even the state of Illinois. So I am going to the Illinois State Lottery site to check them. They are not too old, from the past couple of months. It would be so nice to win…
I would first of all tell Todd we need to take a long weekend trip to collect the loot. Todd says it’s over in some town by the Missouri border, near St. Louis. So that could turn into a nice trip before the divorce is a done deal. Once I have the money I would put it into my Union Planters bank account, all but for $20,000 or so which I would use to buy a truck for moving and travel expenses including insurance for the truck. That way I could pack up the truck and just let Mom know I’m on my way up there without needing to wait and wonder any more. It would be so nice to have the drive up to Canada myself. I could take my time too, dawdle a bit, have a look at the Raggedy Ann museum in Arcola and wander up north to see Wisconsin before I cross the border. Wisconsin looked nice when I was chatting to a guy from there last month. It didn’t work out with him but I still wouldn’t mind the drive up there at all.
The rest of the money would go into travel, a house of my own (maybe the first place that I could really feel was my home) and of course savings so I could keep payments for electricity, taking some college courses, my eventual old age and etc. I would give money to family if I won a really big amount. Other wise I would be more careful about that and make sure I was ok first. I’d love to never have to worry about that whole bag lady thing. I could just freelance write without listening to family telling me I’m wasting my time.
Well, now I should check those tickets. It’s nice thinking of what if but you have to come back down to reality. Walking around with your head in the clouds is a sure way to stub your toes.
“The devil himself gets in my inkstand.” – Nathanial Hawthorne
Heard on the Montel Williams show…
“There is no such thing as love at first sight. You don’t see love, you feel it.” Montel Williams.
… and you probably thought I didn’t watch trash TV. Montel is probably upper scale trash but he takes advantage of people’s pain to make a buck, even though he does try to help get the message out about some issues. Here, the Maury Povich show comes on right after Montel, I turn that off, I can’t stand it any more.
“I have never thought of myself as a good writer. Anyone who wants reassurance of that should read one of my first drafts. But I’m one of the world’s greatest rewriters.” James A. Michener.
“In composing, as a general rule, run a pen through every other word you have written, you have no idea what vigor it will give your style.” Sydney Smith
“Only a mediocre writer is always at his best.” Maugham
“There is no great writing, only great rewriting.” Justice Brandela
“It took me fiftenn years to discover that I had no talent for writing, but I couldn’t give it up because by that time I was too famous.” Robert Charles Benchley
“Writing is like prostitution. First you do it for love, and then for a few close friends, and then for money.” Moliere
“Television has proved that people will look at anything rather than each other.” Ann Landers
“A room without books is like a body without a soul.” Cicero
I talked to my Mom yesterday, she says she will bring the truck down, leaving Monday, if Graham hasn’t already come down by then. Graham, my brother, is involved in a real estate deal he needs to finish before he can leave. But he does want to come down. Mom says he is looking forward to some time away from Liz, his current girlfriend. Sad to hear that, we all were hoping this would be his big break away from psycho Cheryl, the one who likes to give us death threats and come over to the house and attack people when she isn’t stealing Mom’s antiques. Cheryl should be locked up in an insane asylum, she was for awhile but Graham sponsored her and they let her out again. We don’t know why he keeps going back for more. The fight and beat each other and she just hangs on like a blood sucking leech.
“If you have built castles in the air your work need not be lost. That is where they should be. Now put the foundations under them.” Henry David Thoreau
“It is never too late to become what you might have been.” George Eliot
“The history of all times, and of today especially, teaches that… women will be forgotten if they forget to think about themselves.” Louis Otto-Peters
“What no wife of a writer can ever understand is that a writer is working when he’s staring out the window.” Rudolph Erich Rascoe
“A ratio of failures is built into the process of writing. The waste basket has evolved for a reason.” Margaret Atwood
“There are days when the result is so bad that no fewer than five revisions are required. In contrast, when I’m greatly inspired, only four revisions are needed.” John Kenneth Galbraith
“I get a warm feeling when I’m doing well, but that pleasure is pretty much negated by the pain of getting started each day. Let’s face it, writing is hell.” William Stryon
Today I’m looking over the penpal letters. I’ve kept them all in a bag. Most are from the 80’s. I tried to get postcards from my penpals so I could see how things looked where they were. Some would send coins too, just local currency. It cost more for the stamps to send them than the coins were worth.
As I’m going through the letters I’ve been pulling the stamps off all the envelopes. I have never been a stamp collector. My Dad has a stamp collection that’s been in limbo for at least 30 years. But someday I might find someone to donate all these stamps too. I doubt any are really valuable but someone might as well have them. It seems a shame to just toss them all out. I am keeping all my postcards and coins though. I don’t have a good place to put them and now that I’m packing its all just one more job and one more box. But, I’m not ready to toss them this move at least.
I considered starting penpaling again a few months ago. But even the couple I found interesting I never wrote back to more than once. I have plenty of nice stationery left over from the last bout of letter writing. I just don’t have anything settled right now and I do need to get some kind of focus back, a routine would probably be a good thing too.
It sounds like my Mom will drive down on Monday. I hope so. Things are not bad here but not good either. I’m definitely ready to leave and work on whatever comes next. I’m really looking forward to seeing Zack, my nephew.
Anyway, this is enough blabbling for now. I was looking at college courses online but they are too far away, too expensive or too many hours (months, years). Maybe I will find something yet. All I really want is some clue about CGI, Perl and CSS.
“The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams.” Eleanor Roosevelt
“A true traveler is never intent on reaching a destination and knows that his best adventures are ususally found off the original path.”
“Life is either a daring adventure or nothing. To keep our faces toward change and behave like free spirits in the presence of fate is strength that can not be defeated.” Helen Keller
“Perfectionism is the voice of the oppressor, the enemy of the people. It will keep you cramped and insane your whole life.” Anne Lamott
“There are some things you learn best in calm, and some in storm.” Willa Cather
“Some think its holding on that makes one strong; sometimes its letting go.” Sylvia Robinson
“The positive thing about writing is that you connect with yourself in the deepest way, and that’s heaven.” Natalie Goldberg
“You must do the things you think you can not do.” Eleanor Roosevelt
“Writing comes more easily if you have something to say.” Sholem Asch
“The best way to get something done is to begin.” Anonymous
“Action may not always bring happiness, but there is no happiness without action.” Benjamin Disraeli
“You may delay, but time will not.” Benjamin Franklin
“Now is no time to think of what you do not have. Think of what you can do with what there is.” Ernst Hemingway
“We must free ourselves of the hope that the sea will ever rest. We must learn to sail in high winds.” Hanmer Parsons Grant
“Excellence is not an act but a habit.” Aristotle
“Its the good girls who keep the diaries; the bad girls never have the time.” Tallulah Bankhead
“To be loved is fortunate, but to be hated is to achieve distinction.” Minna Thomas Antrim
“The freedom to speak is the freedom to lie.”
“I never travel without my diary. One should always have something sensational to read in the train.” Oscar Wilde
“Intelligence is the ability to change one’s mind.”
We do what we can
We give what we have
Our doubt is our passion,
and our passion is our task
The rest is the madness of art.
— Henry James
May good and faithful friends be yours wherever you may roam,
May peace and plenty bless your world with joy that long endures,
May all life’s passing seasons bring the best to you and yours.
So, its a wait and see and try to procrastinate less on the whole packing thing. Isn’t it amazing how much stuff you have when you need to pack it all up and move it?
I’d like to find a new template for the blog. One that underlines the links. I may just see if I can find out where in the coding that is and what I need to change. If I knew I would be here in Illinois till the end of the week or next week I would order a book through Amazon and get it sent here. But, I can do that when I’m in Ontario. I just need to be patient.
Taking a course would be great too. I still haven’t looked to see what is in my area there. Or at least the area I will be in if I spend time with my parents. I just hope I don’t stay there too long. It’s too easy to settle in and stop really trying to do more on my own. Not that I’m a whimp, I just get tired of the fight when I never seem to end up winning.
Well, there was an earthquake in this area today. I actually felt some of it. Kind of interesting to have seen and heard it. Todd and I were joking that all I need now is the tornado to fulfill my Yankee experience. I would like to see one, real. But I don’t want to be too close. The earthquake was quite far away but I still felt some of it. At the time I though Irl, the landlord was on the roof stomping around. It was strange though cause when it started I thought someone was in the room with me and it started on one side of the building. I could hear the building move I guess. But I also saw things shaking inside the apartment. No damage. Things weren’t in danger of falling off shelves or anything that dramatic.
We went out driving today. I thought to go to Frankfurt since that was where we started and had some nice times together. We did drive through there but decided to go to Benton instead. Todd treated for a lunch out at the buffet. We did a little shopping and wandered on our way back. We impulsively stopped off for movie rentals. So far we watched the latest Musketeers movie. It was ok, not making it into the best though.
I would like to know what effect it has on your fingernails if you use it for a long time. Since you are spreading it by hand a lot of it gets on and around your fingernails.
L – You are very romantic, idealistic, and somehow you believe that to love means to suffer. You wind up serving your mate or attracting people who have unusual troubles. You see yourself as your lover’s savior. You are sincere, passionate, lustful, and dreamy. You can’t help falling in love. You really enjoy stimulating yourself, though you are fairly! new to it. You fantasize and get turned on by movies and magazines. You do not tell others of this secret life, nor of your sexual fantasies.
I don’t believe love is about suffering and there is not way I want to be anyone’s saviour. Other than that most of what it says is right.
The Diary Survey
1. What is your current online diary’s URL? (Please provide a link to your diary!)
2. When did you first start a diary, and why? What did you write about at first? How long have you kept diaries, and was that consistenly or just here and there?
3. Whether your first diary was electric or paper, do you still have it?
4. Do you read your old diaries? What do you think or feel when you read your really old entries?
5. What type of writing do you mostly do now? (examples: 1- talk about what happened to me recently, 2- talk about things I think about, 3- talk about relationships, 4- write down dreams, my art, or any other creative thing, 5- complain, 6- write down quotes and interesting things I find such as in the newspaper).
6. What is more important, the style of the diary or the actual content, and why? What do you like to see in a diary?
7. Do you edit your entries or do you just let loose and don’t look back?
8. What are your pet peeves about diaries, such as things that bug you that you notice other people do with their diaries. What bothers you the most about what you tend to do in your diary?
9. Is your diary anonymous? Why or why not? Do any of your friends or family read your stuff and does that influence what you write about or how you express yourself?
10. What does keeping a diary do for you? Why do you think that you like it?
Anyway, I did buy 3 men and at some point I will spend an hour amusing myself with them, in theory. In reality I will have to find some way to entertain them. I might just skip it since I have zero interest in cyber or virtual sex, same for phone sex, trading pics or any of the other stuff that it’s popular to do. I would like to meet someone to begin a relationship with but I know that is highly unlikely on IRC or any kind of Internet chat. If you can’t meet them face to face you really don’t know who they are. The Internet works well as a way to find them and get a preview but I’m not even sure about that any more. People put on a face online, they may think they are more themselves, less intimidated, but it seems to me they are putting on a show and the real person could be someone else, completely different.
The whole pic trading thing does bug me. Men (probably women too but I don’t encounter them in the same way) collect pictures as a way of putting notches in their bedposts. They don’t care who you are, what you think or feel. Before they even know your name they are asking for your pic. Why? Because they only have 1043 and really hope to hit 2000 by the end of the month. Just as men used to collect phone numbers in a little black book. Cyber man collects image files. I actually do have a picture of myself scanned but I almost never give it out and when asked for it I tell them I don’t have one.
I can’t believe it’s already this close to noon. No wonder I’m getting hungry, I skipped breakfast. At least I did have a shower this morning. I have one thing accomplished for the day. I have so much packing to do and I’m being very bad about procrastinating with it. I think I just hate moving and not really knowing where I am going to or if I’m going to anything at all. What 37 year old woman wants to move back to her parent’s house, even if it is just a couple of weeks.
Before I get into another tail spin about why do I always fail at everything I’m going to make soup and get offline to phone my brother for his birthday today.
On the menu today: Campbell’s Split Pea Soup, the last of the roasted peanuts and coffee starting off hot but usually drunk when cold.
On my mind today: words I like. I’m thinking to make a whole webpage up of words like serendipity, bewitch, beguile, bewilder, etc. Then there are things I like or am getting into like: typography, cartography, Paint Shop Pro, CSS, Lotus Notes, crazy quilting, walking as an exercise, yet more gardening and growing of plant life, old traditions and cultures, Paganism and city building games, nature, arts and crafts and etc. This list could go on all day but, I have a whole list of things to do.
You have an active mind and a keen imagination.
It is most enjoyable to talk with you.
You are talented in many ways.
You have a natural grace and a great consideration of others.
You will be spending time outdoors, in the mountains, near water.
You are tasting the sweets of success.
You will be fortunate in the opportunities presented to you.
There is a prospect of a thrilling time ahead for you.
You will be recognized and honoured as a community leader.
You will make a fortune with your friends.
You are always welcome in any gathering.
You will make many changes before settling satisfactorily.
That seems to be all of them. Now they will be tossed out with the rest of the stuff I’m not moving with me. Nice that they could have a last appearance before the end of their destiny. Although, who knows what might happen to them between now and the time they are finally composted back into the Earth.
Anyway, this morning Todd and I went out for breakfast, just a drive thru thing but I like that. McDonalds sausage and egg is my favourite. Even their coffee has been getting better. I don’t go often, not even once a month. We ate in the park which was nice. Things are easier between us now. Makes me almost doubt myself but I don’t want to go back. I still remember the 4 months he stopped talking to me and things he said that really knocked me around at the time.
We went driving around to yard sales this morning, after the park breakfast. I didn’t want to buy anything since I’m moving and at this point it’s all just more stuff. But, at a church sale they were selling everything for a dollar. They handed out grocery bags and you could fill them for a dollar. I put in as many pairs of jeans as I could, Todd added a book he wanted and we got it all for a dollar. I will use the jeans for making things. Ideally a new denim knapsack or purse thing and some kind of denim quilt would be very lovely too. I could embroider it and then make it all patchworked together. I think that would be ideal. I wouldn’t really need a pattern since it would be in the crazy quilt style.
Anyway, I’ve agreed to take part in an auction later today. It’s for an IRC channel I have been visiting for a long time, on and off. It’s not a nice girl thing but it will be something different. Sometimes I have serious doubts about the whole nice girl/ BDSM girl thing. It seems so over the top for who I think I am. Yet, I do like the ideas behind it. Not all of it, just like with Wicca, I have my own version of it that works for me. In BDSM I think its more about seduction than anything else. I’m not into even the idea of pain, not even so much as spanking. So, we will see how the auction goes. I devoted a column to it on the Adult BackWash column I write: Bait & Switch.
A guy I had known on IRC for a long time was a real jerk last night. I guess I had forgotten that I was on IRC. Never really expect much from IRC people and don’t trust anything male there. That should be the number one rule. I’m not bitter about it, angry I guess, but not bitter. I wondered if I would still go to the auction but decided I would because I had said I would. Maybe I will get in the spirit of things and still have a few laughs.
Anyway, the husband is about to get into the shower and go to his company picnic with his Mother. I could have gone but it’s a hot day and I’m not really that impressed with all the ladies he works with. They all seem to think I am the evil bitch now that we are getting divorced.
Anyway, today is the day. In a few minutes I am expecting my husband, Todd, to honk the car horn from downstairs and then we are going to the local court house here in southern Illinois to sign divorce papers and make everything all legal and official and dry as burnt toast.
Thus ends a big chunk of my life. A lot of child bearing years flushed away with nothing much to show for them. I’m bitter, I’m depressed, I’m angry and I’m afraid I will never trust anyone of the male species again. It’s sad that I still want to. Still want to find someone to trust, to love, to admire, to laugh and cry with over the good and bad things in life. I want very much to build a happy life with someone. But, I’m 37 now. Maybe too old for having kids. Could I keep up with them, could I be patient enough and could they be born healthy now so late in my child bearing life? So many questions and never any answers but to keep turning the page and see what the next day will bring.
I better finish getting ready. I’m sitting here dripping from the shower, just wanted to have a before the divorce entry in my new blog. 🙂 I still have a lot to do in setting it all up. But at least I changed the template to one with a better font. The colours need work but I can do that tonight, after the divorce.
After turning 50 or so I think the rest of the people on the planet expect us to just drop off or disappear at the least.