ASCII Fairy

I added a new ASCII picture to my ASCII art pages. It’s a little fairy. Not sure how well (clear) it turned out. But it feels good to have made something new, especially since I haven’t done a fairy before now.

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Website BattlesI really need something new and more together looking for my index page of the site. I like my beige/ cream colours but the layout is really nothing. This week is a slow work week at Zellers. Tomorrow my Mom leaves, going back to Florida. Today Grace left, back to Vancouver. So, I should have more time to myself. I hope I can get my page fixed up. I’m not even sure what I want, I guess that doesn’t help. It would be really neat if I could put together all my ideas somehow. (The ASCII art text page along with the freehand drawings and nice colours). Maybe I’ll figure it all out. You never know what you might create if you let yourself.

Belittling Myself

Can you take praise or accept help graciously? Not me, at least not without an inner debate/ struggle over the whole thing. I’ve come to think it’s all part of how I belittle myself. Undervalue would work too.

Another element of the belittling is how I feel I can never do enough. I constantly take on more jobs and projects, more than I can really handle. But, no matter how many balls I’m keeping spinning there is always someone else who seems to be doing more and doing more better than I am.

Then there is the whole thing of comparing everything I do to everything everyone else does. Almost everyone I look at is more capable than I see myself. I read another BW column and feel my own columns are about nothing, not interesting, lacking substance and not about anything important. I see a beautiful quilt and think that I should be doing more of that, I love sewing and quilts have always been my favourite sewing related items. Of course, the whole quilting thing is one more project I put upon myself and never complete.

When I take on so many things I end up frustrated and feeling like I never get anything done, or at least not done on time. If I do meet deadlines I feel I could have done better if I had given myself half a chance. Other people always make quilts, write articles, drive, talk, walk, etc. better and easier than I do. All those ‘normal’ people with their simple, happy, normal lives. I get wondering what I did so wrong that I’m here on the outside looking in. What part of me is it that never fits in?

But, there isn’t any one part. It’s me as a whole. I just can’t seem to get past the feelings of not being good enough. When someone gives me credit for something I did well I try to accept it graciously and not listen to the belittling comments going on in my mind. I haven’t been very successful at taking on less but I know it’s out there so that’s a start.

Some day I’ll figure out how to be ok inside my own skin, how to stop putting down everything I do and accept that I do things well, or at least well enough. Someday I’ll stop belittling myself or worse, waiting for that perfect Mr. Right who will finally make me believe I’m ok. No one will ever make me believe it until I really believe it.

This is my latest BackWash column. Just posting it here as well cause it’s pretty personal. I have no idea why I publish these things on BackWash. Must be yet another twist of character.

Year End News

Just today, I found myself and this website mentioned in a book. The O’Reilly Essential Blogging book in which Ben and Mena Trott are among the authors. I’m on page #230 with my blab about blogs. I had no idea my comments were chosen for the book. Pretty nice year end surprise. Maybe it’s a sign of great things to come.

Who knows maybe Harlequin and all those women’s magazines will just flock to put my words into print. Yeah, and after that I’ll start dusting off the plans for my world domination plot, the one where I’m empress of the world. I’m a very good empress btw.

Now I really do need to fix all the little things around my site. Plus work on getting my new graphics (homemade) scanned and loaded up. Wait till you see them, you’ll be completely blown away, that or get the hiccups laughing. Either way works for me. 😉

Corrections on Christmas

I must correct my Christmas blab. I did get three presents and counting now. Before Christmas my brother let me have $50 to change my drivers license from US to Canadian. Afterwards he told me to keep the money (I didn’t need to pay him back) and get that food steamer I had told him I wanted for Christmas. The food steamer I got on sale for less than $25, so that was a nice Christmas present. I just didn’t think of it when I was writing because it was pre-Christmas. Since Christmas my sister Grace (home visiting) bought me the inhalers I needed. I had given her my bank card but she didn’t use it. So that was nice of her. Thirdly, today my Mom said she is giving me $200 for Christmas. So Christmas was a time of giving afterall.

In case you’re wondering… I gave everyone something for Christmas too. But I didn’t spend much due to not having much to spend. Likely I’ve spent more on gassing the car than anything or anyone else. I hope working at Zellers will keep me in coffee once I ask (and get) full time. But, I’m going to ask once my 3 months probation is up. Hoping that goes more than well. I’ve even been so bold as to ask people to fill out the customer service comment cards. So far both people I asked were glad to do it. But, I knew they would be since I spent extra time helping both of them and they were nice, cheery people. Just another 8 cards to go and then I can get a silver ID card. Won’t that look good for my 3 months probation. 🙂

Family is Like a Car Crash

My Mother is coming home from Florida today. For me that means I have to catch up on the cleaning I’ve been neglecting. Not that it matters. Soon after she comes in the door she will start doing it all over again. I’ve come to see this as reclaiming her territory. I can’t see how I could do such a poor job that she would need to do everything over again. So, it just makes sense that she does it all for some other reason. The territorial thing is the reason I came up with.

She is mostly here to see the new baby. My sister had Roxanne Claire about a month ago. Her older brother, Zack, picked the name Claire.

Anyway, I’m still out of commission with this cold and lack of a speaking voice. The coughing is really killing me. I’m starting to really think I will cough up a lung, not just kidding about it any more.

But, a little thing like that isn’t going to keep me from going out. Besides, I really do need to gas up the car and pick up an asthma inhaler. While I’m out I’ve decided to treat myself to Swiss Chalet. Not that it’s in the grand scheme of things budget. But, if I don’t treat myself who will?!!

About Christmas, since you asked… I lost my voice, crashed my car (no damage luckily) and no one gave me anything for Christmas. I brought over all the presents I bought for them and the buns I made (from scratch) for the dinner. I thought I would have at least a couple of gifts to open. I was surprised and a bit disappointed. But, being me, I said nothing.

Anyway, on to the New Year. Surely it can only get better, right?

I saw Carol Again Today

Carol is a woman I met while at work. She was shopping for men’s jeans the first time. We got talking about how she takes a tuck in the sides and turns them into jeans for herself. (The men’s clothes do tend to be better made/ quality than the women’s clothes).

Anyway, after half an hour of chatting I found that Carol is the person I was not so long ago. Her husband and son belittle her and she feels lost in the world. She doesn’t know where to go from the rut she has gotten used to. I tried to help her. I told her about my own exploits and how things are better now. So, Carol grabbed onto my small lifeline and asked for my phone number. Maybe we could meet for coffee, she said. I knew Carol would never phone, but I hoped she would.

Today I saw her again. Not for very long as it was Christmas Eve Day and the store was fairly busy. Today Carol wasn’t alone either. I saw first hand how she is treated by both her husband and son. She’s a second class citizen, the door mat who makes their life easier by not being a bother.

Carol asked for my phone number again today. I hope she phones, but I don’t expect she will.

I like This One

"Language is the only homeland." Czeslaw Milosz.

The Aliens of Knowledge

This is going to sound pretty flaky but, sometimes I image aliens (those little green men type guys) are watching me, recording all the knowledge I gain and will some day turn me off. Well, I’m not sure about the turning off part. I’d prefer to think they’ll just finish this learning project and move along to something else.

I told you it was flaky. Flakier than a single pie crust made with a whole pound of lard. Why do you think I’ve never told anyone else about this?

Today I was looking up a word in the dictionary, it wasn’t even in the dictionary (that’s how smart I’m getting). As I looked I thought about how pleased the aliens would be to learn a new word today. Somedays I wonder if they get bored. I mean, I don’t learn something new and exciting every day.

Maybe, the little things I take for granted are monumental to them. Who knows? Certainly not me. I guess the aliens would know. I have no way to ask them. All our communication is one sided. Of course, they don’t know I’ve caught onto their plot. They think I’m just some sort of education cow, or whatever farm animal seems suitable. I don’t really like to think of myself as any type of bovine. What women does?

I think their ultimate goal is to have all human knowledge. Even stuff like changing light bulbs and shovelling snow. I don’t know what they want to do with all of it. I’ve never really thought about that side effect. But, for now they just keep watch, picking things out of my grey matter. Luckily I’m not a shut in or someone who doesn’t like to read. I also like to explore and experiment, take the odd risk and do things without really thinking them through. I bet they even like that I skim instead of reading every last word.

Does anyone else think they have little aliens in their head, writing down facts and learning English as a second language? Perhaps it’s just me. Few people get these flaky sort of thoughts. I think the aliens put them in my head.

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I think I’ll use this for my BackWash column.

Personality Quiz

Found this in another blog: Under the Sea of my Emotions. I got 44 when I took the quiz. But I had two answers for a few of the questions so I averaged them out.

When do you feel your best?
a) in the morning
b) during the afternoon and early evening
c) late at night
You usually walk…
a) fairly fast, with long steps
b) fairly fast, with little steps
c) less fast head up, looking the world in the face
d) less fast, head down
e) very slowly
When talking to people you…
a) stand with your arms folded
b) have your hands clasped
c) have one or both your hands on your hips
d) touch or push the person to whom you are talking
e) play with your ear, touch your chin, or smooth your hair
When relaxing, you sit with…
a) your knees bent with your legs neatly side by side
b) your legs crossed
c) your legs stretched out or straight
d) one leg curled under you
When something really amuses you, you react with…
a) a big, appreciative laugh
b) a laugh, but not a loud one
c) a quiet chuckle
d) a sheepish smile
When you go to a party or social gathering you…
a) make a loud entrance so everyone notices you
b) make a quiet entrance, looking around for someone you know
c) make the quietest entrance, trying to stay unnoticed
You’re working very hard, concentrating
hard, and you’re interrupted, do you…
a) welcome the break
b) feel extremely irritated
c) vary between these two extremes
Which of the following colors do you like most?
a) Red or orange
b) black
c) yellow or light blue
d) green
e) dark blue or purple
f) white
g) brown or gray
When you are in bed at night, in those last
few moments before going to sleep, you lie…
a) stretched out on your back
b) stretched out face down on your stomach
c) on your side, slightly curled
d) with your head on one arm
e) with your head under the covers
You often dream that you are…
a) falling
b) fighting or struggling
c) searching for something or somebody
d) flying or floating
e) you usually have dreamless sleep
f) your dreams are always pleasant

POINTS:

(a) 2 (b) 4 (c) 6
(a) 6 (b) 4 (c) 7 (d) 2 (e) 1
(a) 4 (b) 2 (c) 5 (d) 7 (e) 6
(a) 4 (b) 6 (c) 2 (d) 1
(a) 6 (b) 4 (c) 3 (d) 5 (e) 2
(a) 6 (b) 4 (c) 2
(a) 6 (b) 2 (c) 4
(a) 6 (b) 7 (c) 5 (d) 4 (e) 3 (f) 2 (g) 1
(a) 7 (b) 6 (c) 4 (d) 2 (e) 1
(a) 4 (b) 2 (c) 3 (d) 5 (e) 6 (f) 1
Now add up the total number of points.

OVER 60 POINTS: Others see you as someone they should "handle with care". You’re seen as vain, self-centered,and who is extremely dominant. Others may admire you wishing they could be more like you, but don’t always trust you, hesitating to become too deeply involved with you.

51 TO 60 POINTS: Others see you as an exciting, highly volatile, rather impulsive personality; a natural leader, who’s quick to make decisions, though not always the right ones. They see you as bold and adventuresome, someone who will try anything once; someone who takes chances and enjoys an adventure. They enjoy being in your company because of the excitement you radiate.

41 TO 50 POINTS: Others see you as fresh, lively, charming,amusing, practical, and always interesting; someone who’s constantly in the center of attention, but sufficiently well-balanced not to let it go to their head. They also see you as kind, considerate, and understanding; someone who’ll always cheer them up and help them out.

31 TO 40 POINTS: Others see you as sensible, cautious, careful & practical. They see you as clever, gifted, or talented, but modest. Not a person who makes friends too quickly or easily, but someone who’s extremely loyal to friends you do make, and who expect the same loyalty in return. Those who really get to know you realize it takes a lot to shake your trust in your friends, but equally that it takes you a long time to get over it if that trust is ever broken.

21 TO 30 POINTS: Your friends see you as painstaking and fussy. They see you as very cautious, extremely careful, a slow and steady plodder. It would really surprise them if you ever did something impulsively or on the spur of the moment, expecting you to examine everything carefully from every angle and then, usually decide against it. They think this reaction is caused partly by your careful nature.

UNDER 21 POINTS: People think you are shy, nervous, and indecisive,someone who needs looking after, who always wants someone else to make the decisions & who doesn’t want to get involved with anyone or anything. They see you as a worrier who always sees problems that don’t exist. Some people think you’re boring. Only those who know you well know that you aren’t.

Kingdomality

What Kind of Dragon Are You?The Ultimate Dragon Quiz

Your Inner Dragon is the embodiment of Nature and the Earth. Greens spend almost all of their time below the canopy or just above the treetops in tropical rain forests. Not a bad life considering every other creature in the forest looks up to you, figuratively and literally. You speak the language of every animal and plant in your domain and know most of them by first name. If people mess with your forests, you’re more than happy to wail on their puny butts. Because of your protector/caretaker role, you are the Earth Elemental dragon.

Naturally your whole life pretty much revolves around the other couple million species you keep an eye on, but that’s not your whole dragon. You also like to impose your steadfast will on others, commune with Nature, and lobby governments for alternative fuels and conservation. Your favorable attributes are Midnight, Winter, gemstones, mountains, caves, soil, respect, endurance, responsibility, prosperity, and purpose in life. Folks shouldn’t get the idea you’re a hippy pushover though, because your breath weapon is a nasty Fire/Acid combination. Maybe you should invest in a hemp shirt reading “Don’t knock my smock, or I’ll clean your clock.” *wink*

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Try the Kingdomality test. Who would you be if you were back in the Medieval times?

In the past when I have tried this I was the Bard, the Discoverer and the Ruler. This time I’m the Benevolent Ruler again:

Your distinct personality, The Benevolent Ruler might be found in most of the thriving kingdoms of the time. You are the idealistic social dreamer. Your overriding goal is to solve the people problems of your world. You are a social reformer who wants everyone to be happy in a world that you can visualize. You are exceptionally perceptive about the woes and needs of humankind. You often have the understanding and skill to readily conceive and implement the solutions to your perceptions. On the positive side, you are creatively persuasive, charismatic and ideologically concerned. On the negative side, you may be unrealistically sentimental, scattered and impulsive, as well as deviously manipulative. Interestingly, your preference is just as applicable in today’s corporate kingdoms.

Writing Quote

"Very few people ever mature. It is enough if they flower and reseed… But sometimes…awareness takes place — not very often and always inexplainable. There are no words for it because there is no one ever to tell. This is a secret not kept a secret, but locked in wordlessness. The craft or art of writing is the clumsy attempt to find symbols for the wordlessness."
— John Steinbeck