Why Am I Here?

I’m not getting far in all my grand plans and schemes for greatness on the web. I wanted to have an amazing site for writers, a huge gallery of ASCII art (my own and all those I have enmassed over the years) and I wanted to make a really cute web presence for myself, with lots of red, white and slightly girlish graphics which I would have made myself. I do have some of the graphics. They are sitting on my hard drive or in my desk drawer, as yet unscanned. What keeps you from doing all the things you most want to do?

I don’t think it’s fear of failure. I have a tendency to jump in and not look back. If I was afraid of failing I’d have to be someone who looks back and second guesses a lot. It’s not laziness or a lack of ambition. I have a lot of ambition and so many ideas which keep cramming themselves into my head. I’m not sure what is the problem. Is it possible I just don’t want to start, afraid of my own greatness or where it will all end? I know that sounds pompous or slightly mad. But, a life of verbal abuse does strange things to your perception. I grew up that way and I know I’m not over it. I don’t even know how to get over it. Talk about forgiving is fine. He’s dead, what does it matter how I feel now? There’s no going back from dead. Dead is done.

I do wonder why I’m here, what was the point of it all? I’m not likely to have kids now, so what will it matter that I was ever here at all. Who will know in 30 years that I ever thought anything or what I cared about.

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