I feel like I’ve been trying to live underwater for most of my life. Not quite part of the world of civilization with everyone else. I’ve been born flawed in some basic way that becomes apparent to everyone within a short time of getting to know me. So, I’ve spent years (generations without actually generating) trying to find the magic answer so I can fix myself. I’ve had a fixation with self fixing. It seemed that if I could just read the right book at the right time, hear the right words from the right person… etc.
I was looking in all the wrong places and the answer was something known to me all along, I just wasn’t really listening. Trust yourself. So simple and so much around me all these years. But, I didn’t do it. I pushed it aside in my quest to be perfect, better, beloved, admired, wanted, desired… well I’m not any of those. I’m just me. If the world came to a screeching end I’d still be just me. I’m pretty ok with that really. I’ve come to like just me. Not everything about me but I’m certainly not horribly off track in being the person I want to be. Nothing I can’t fix as I keep moving ahead.
Trust yourself. I will start doing that. I will trust ME not to let ME down. I will not look to someone else to approve of me or to like me or to tell me I’m ok. I won’t listen to negativity from others, including those echos which come from inside myself and my memories. I will trust myself rather than keep holding myself back waiting for someone else to say I can do it. Or even waiting for someone to come along and rescue me, that old knight in shining armour stepped out of the dog earred bodice ripper.
I will trust myself to do it, cause I already know I can. I feel like I’ve just been waiting for clearance from some outside source. I’m not even sure who, maybe just random people, society at large. But, they don’t really matter. I have myself and I can trust myself cause I don’t want to let myself down. I don’t tell myself I’m hopeless, that has always come from outside of me. I will start denying all those old echos of how useless I am, how I can never accomplish anything I want to do. I will only listen to the optimistic comments now, from inside and outside of myself. I will trust myself to do this too.
Even in a room full of people, you really only have yourself to trust. How did I miss that small point all along?
I feel like some old part of my brain has been burnt out, new information has been copied over the old broken/ damaged cells. I could even feel a burning sensation in my mind a short time ago when I read the following and at last, listened to the words rather than skimming and filing them as not THE Answer I needed.
“It may take awhile to wade through all your resistance, fears, misperceptions, and basic disbelief in yourself – it may take far longer than you think it should. But if you can just go through the process and trust yourself in a basic way not attempted before, the joy will be yours. Like a muscle, your vision and creative instincts will become stronger, clearer and more vital each time you connect with them. Your commitment will strengthen, and with it, the world will cooperate in ways you never would have expected. Little signposts will appear along the way, offering support and encouragement. People will show up, bringing challenges, ideas or information. Your dream will begin to materialize, the result of nothing more than finally listening to the still, small voice from within.” Suzanne Falter-Barns ‘How Much Joy Can You Stand’
She’s not saying we are alone in the world and neither am I. But, under it all we have ourselves and it’s up to ourselves to filter out the negative and trust ourselves to accomplish and succeed and make ourselves happy. We are in the world, apart of it, but we have to stand up and take our own steps if we want to get where we want to be.