Today I Think my Team is Losing

Do you ever think of your life as a team? I can remember my brother playing hockey against the garage door. He was always Gus, I guess it was a manly sounding name to him as a kid. Little did he know the full version is Augustus.

Anyway, he would always narrate the game for himself. Sometimes I would be tossed in as the adoring fan/ groupie. I love my brother, I’ll spend the rest of my life cheering for him, back them it did feel a little silly though. I was the only fan.

Is it a man thing, the whole team narration type thing? Its kind of endearing. I’ve never done it out loud but there have been times when I’ve narrated privately, in my own head. Sadly, my narrations are never as uplifting as those hockey games between my brother and the garage door.

All this rambling today is taking up space. I’m scared. I don’t think I can get back into living my life and all that trying again. I’ve tried a lot. To get into it would be revealing too much of my life, some of the wounds scraped into your soul are just too sharp to share randomly.

So, I think this week my team is losing. Maybe I will sleep on it tonight and things will be all fresh and rosy in the morning. I promised one of the other BackWash columnists that I would find someone to talk to when I got back here. But, inside I really thought I could do it all on my own. I don’t like talking to someone face to face and telling them all the really deep feelings, the fears and the fact that I don’t even trust myself any more. I think I must be part drama queen, but how much is real emotion? Am I allowed real emotion?

Anyway, this week my team is losing it. But, somehow hope always springs eternal, I’m the eternal optimist. Each time I get really down some part of my brain clicks on and starts coming up with new ideas, new solutions and once again I’m not ready to give up. Today was rough but its just become tomorrow: 12:05 AM.

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