The AfterXmas

I’m planning to get the bus back to Toronto tomorrow afternoon, so far. It would be nice to have a ride down with my brother again but not fair to expect it and I don’t even want to ask. The bus isn’t so bad. Just carrying things makes it a bit crazy. I’m going to look for an overnight bag sort of thing, something I can carry easily and stuff enough stuff into. I had one which I thought was good but it’s not working out all that well. Doesn’t help that I have Christmas presents which I brought with me and new Christmas presents which were for me and are going back with me. Only one thing is breakable so that helps.

Graham is talking about having me move again. To Newmarket this time. So much for giving up the vagabond lifestyle. Makes me sick to watch TV, especially those comedy shows where they have blue collar types who always seem to have plenty of everything, including a house to live in. I don’t think I will ever have that, any of it. Do you ever wonder why you were even born? What was the whole point of being here at all? If I had at least had a child, I would feel there was some reason for me to exist. Maybe I’m fated to write something great but won’t even know anyone valued it until long after I’m dead. I think it must be something like that. So I keep writing.

Funny that I don’t want to move when I don’t even like the basement apartment. Or the people living above it. I was getting used to the buses though. I discovered how to take a couple of routes that worked out well for things I wanted to do. I began making plans and even thought I could find some kind of office job again. Maybe another circulation clerk, this time it would all be on computers and I can do data entry.

Anyway, I don’t have money so I don’t have control of anything really. I hate writing a whiny blog post. But, this is my place to talk to myself. Even though I try not to listen too much.

I will never be all the things I want to be. There isn’t even enough time left to try for them all. I should make a list of what is still do-able and work from there. How much of it can I still do as the person I have become and with the limited resources and power I have left.

Have there been times in your life when you felt really hopeless? I’ve had so many to choose from it’s a theme in my life. I never thought I’d still be in this same theme so many years along the way. I always thought there would come a point when things would change and get better and stay that way. Just like the people on TV who always seem to manage no matter what their life is supposed to be like. Those TV shows are mean, making people think they should all have houses, cars and a vacation even though they work part time in a shopping mall. Dream on.

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