My Career as a Mad Man-Stalker

Three Facts:

A) There is a guy at work I really like. First it was just his sexy, wicked smile but then I began to notice how nice and calm he is, like pouring water over water. Just something kind of nice. Can’t find the right words for it. He also has a wicked smile, like a pirate, did I mention that? (I really don’t care what a guy’s butt looks like- if I wanted to look at a butt I’d get one of those dogs that walk around with their tail all curled up, that would be plenty of butt for anyone into that sort of thing – I’m not a dog person, luckily). Also, when I began some research into the guy at work he got good reviews. He is a nice guy with a good sense of humour. Though no one else seems to think he looks like anything special. (Their loss, likely all dog people).

B) I am not someone any guy has ever gone crazy for. Plus I’m plus sized, quite a bit… quite a lot…. plus sized. This does not give me a good feeling about the whole attacking first plan of luring in said non-dog, pirate smile, guy.

C) Based on past experience I don’t have a flying clue what to do with a guy should I ever actually get one I really do want. Get him and have him actually be in the same town at the same time for an extended period of time. I am limited in man handling experience. I married the only guy I slept with and was a virgin until late in life. I was not a late bloomer, I’m not sure what happened. Or didn’t happen. Still isn’t happening. I just don’t seem to get noticed. I could tattoo something suggestive on my forehead and only other women would notice me and ask me what the heck I was thinking when I did such a lame brain thing. Men would only notice the other women talking to me, not me.

So I have these facts set out for you.

Now, the solution I am working on, in theory…. stalking him.

Yes it’s kind of dramatic and risky. Some would say foolish and stupid. But, someone has to try these things from the woman’s point of view, why not me? Well, why not?

So, I took the first steps in the potential stalking. I found his last name and came home to look up his address and phone number. I still don’t have the full address cause it turns out it is an apartment building and the phone book did not list the apartment number. No doubt I can figure that out. It just has to be in a non-threatening way. You know, there is a thin line between stalking and being a threat or just plain scaring off the guy. If you start calling him prey, for instance, that’s a bad sign. A pretty bad sign in fact. Avoid that one.

That is all the progress I have made in the potential stalking to date. I have thoughts about sending an anonymous greeting card to his address, once I find it. Note, you must be careful to keep it anonymous as that is a big part of the whole plan. If he doesn’t know who I am he won’t be able to gently let down the fat grrl at work. If he doesn’t know who I am he can just keep thinking he is really hot stuff… if only he knew which of those babes at work sent him the greeting card. You see how well that works. Anyway, who can resist the hint of mystery, a little puzzle to solve and whet his curiousity while stroking his ego.

Thus ends my first day as an official mad man-stalker. Not a lot of progress made but nothing to concern the police with either. So, not a bad first day, all in all.

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