Merry Jingle Bells

For some reason jingle bells are making me think of nipples today. Guess where my mind is…? No, not there. I haven’t even started Christmas shopping and I actually don’t have to do any. So there. I am going to magically crochet things and people will be awed and amazed and eternally grateful for my creative genius.

The brother who is the landlord is now talking about selling the building to the people who live upstairs and are always late paying the rent. They started talking about the idea. So, I may be moving again. I only moved here in November really. I’m just having the real vagabond life. I should try to get rid of nearly everything I own, including myself and that would make moving so much less complicated. Living would be easier too. If you could stop caring about silly things like stability, life would be simple and care free.

But, in reality… I just don’t want to think about it any more. Avoidance therapy. Works well, for awhile.

I came back from being away this afternoon. Not too much mess from the workmen down here. I will need to wash the floor but I’m leaving it with a sweeping for now. At least it’s not a carpet I’d have to shampoo and generally fuss over. It seems there is a thin layer of cruddy dust over everything though. Who knows what chemical toxic waste that could be, leftover from new furnace installation and tubing added to the ceiling. Not that it stopped me from making coffee after giving the pot a sentimental swish with water. After all, something is going to kill me eventually. Why not quit resisting so hard. Resistance is futile, just ask the Borgs.

I’m not feeling down, too much. Stressed, somewhat. I’d never want to be a kid again but it would be nice to ship back in time and have that nice feeling of knowing someone else is there to take care of all the minor details like where to live and keeping bills paid for you. You can’t say being married is the solution any more. Women work now, it’s expected. I think it’s rare to be a stay at home type of housekeeping women these days. Yet, it was nice while it lasted. Nice for kids to grow up with someone there and nice for who ever is home to be there and know the home and kids are being cared for. But, we progress…

I miss the car so much. I don’t mind taking the TTC. Waiting for the bus on a frigidly cold day isn’t fun exactly. But, when I’m not fretting about being on time for anything (or know I’m already early) it’s okay. I can check the maps and plan a route which doesn’t leave me waiting outside for long. Still, it doesn’t compare to the car. I really would have liked to have the car this past weekend while I was visiting Zack and the screaming girls we know as his little step-sisters. Zack wanted me to stay another day and I died a little having to leave that boy who is soon going to be a teenager and never a boy again.

I don’t know what I’m going to get doing now. I feel like I’m in some endless cycle where everything I try gets pulled out from under me as soon as I begin to make some progress. But, that’s progress. Change. I found two interesting men through Craigslist. Not the personals (which I am giving up on finally and completely as anything but sad entertainment) but from my post about urban exploration. Funny that I am still getting posts/ email from that original post. It must still show up on Craigslist though they say any posts expire after a month or something. Mine should be long gone I would have thought. It was from October.

Anyway, it gives me hope that I can still meet someone. Maybe the key isn’t looking for men looking for women but in looking for men who share my interests and who are looking for someone to spend time wtih, sharing those interests. I think the men posting personals have forgotten that sex isn’t enough when you want to find someone to live alongside of you. You can buy sex, you can’t buy laughter, conversation, time and romance. You may think you can but, trust me, I’ve talked to the women who sell sex and they only offer sex, no matter what those guys may wish for on the side.

Anyway, I should get to work on writing now. I need to type a letter for the brother and then email it to him so he can take it into the insurance duds (not a typo) tomorrow. Then I want to flesh in more of the story I began before the weekend and the renovations here.

What I would most like for Christmas is stability. I don’t want to be a vagabond any more. Day trips and weekends away would be fine, instead of endless moving with no end in sight. I want a place to come home to and it would be really nice if there was a guy there with a nice smile, warm hands and good conversation. How do other people make it look so easy?

Leave a comment