So many magazines, blogs and such are talking about how to get a Valentine. I even wrote about it myself here and there. But really, what a grrl really needs to know is how to get rid of men (in general). There may actually be one or two of the species you like enough to keep around, one who somehow didn’t become quite such a mutant as the rest. Must have been some industrial accident on Mars.
Anyway, for the real women out there who are still dating and yet not really dating… Here are my top five ways to get rid of a man.
1) Aim for his heart, especially if you know archery or some other skill that uses a target for practice.
2) If you don’t have any of those above skills… aim below the belt. Decide whether you want to scare him away with sex or without sex. If you have enough carnal knowledge to pull it off start talking about all the sex you just have to have, how often and all kinds of varieties. Men may think they would like sex manaic but in reality they don’t want a woman who wants sex more than they can handle putting out.
3) On the other hand, if you’re not quite ready to talk about gadgets, devices, whips and chains and endless stamina… go in the other direction. Talk about how annoying sex is. How messy it is and how boring it is to just lie there and wait for the guy to finally roll off and leave you alone. The jerk. Talk about the last book you read, in bed.
4) Make a fuss over him, cook up a dinner (learn his food allergies), wash his clothes (and put them away, somewhere), suggest he replace his old toothbrush, iron his underwear (use starch), organize his CD’s and books, hem his pants, take his worn out clothes and other junk to Goodwill for him. I’m sure he’ll be thanking you in no time. If he actually does you need to pack up a suitcase and move in with him. Get him to carry in all your feminine products, every last bag of pads, tampons, Midol and whatever else you can come up with. Make him useful.
5) Start talking about all your great plans for the future. All those kids you want to have. How you think a woman should be able to have it all so you’ve planned to have kids and then go back to work full time. Of course, he can stay at home. It’s only fair since you were the one who had the labour for all those kids. Offer to teach him how to do laundry, clean and get books about potty training so he can start studying for his life as a house husband now. Get your prospective Mother in Law into it too if he’s a Mama’s boy and she really wants those grandchildren.
Hope that helps you. Doesn’t it make you feel happy to be single?