I’m frustrated with myself. I know what I want and I am pretty sure I have the skills I need. What I lack is the trust in myself to try to do what I want to be doing. Maybe I just need something or someone else to tell me I can do all these things. Which is silly and backwards. If I know I can why can’t I just believe I can, why do I need an outside source to tell me what I already know before I can believe it?
I know some part of the whole thing in my head are from my past. Even though my Dad has been dead several years his words won’t leave my head and their impression is still as fresh and strong as ever. My family treat me like I’m not capable of anything and expect me to screw up, make bad decisions. That is frustrating too. It makes it easy to give up on myself for one thing. No one really expects much from me so I don’t have to try really hard to meet their standards.
Accomplishing the things you really want takes courage. You need to risk at least a few things, like rejection, failure, imperfection. I wonder if I could find the courage at all, even without my past and lack of support from my family. Maybe none of that stuff even matters because I wouldn’t have the courage to really try anyway.
But, I do keep trying, in little ways. It’s like it can’t die but it can’t flower fully either. Not quite in limbo. Staying almost in place, making a little progress and then fading back into my shell would be not so bad if I had unlimited time. I could go along on cruise control with little highs along the way to keep me going, but each day passes and becomes a week, a month and then another year. When do I shake off my past and my fears and grab the brass ring?