I wanted to add... I drove the old Ford truck today. These days it looks more like something you would leave out in the back 40 acres for picking up hay bales now and then. It does seem to run ok though, I didn't have any trouble with it. I thought I might when I got my first real look at it. I hadn't seen it since Todd and I drove around in it before I started moving down there. I guess that is 3 years ago, or more. Poor old truck, I felt sorry for it.

It was "interesting" to drive. I can't pick another word. Not challenging exactly, I didn't have any real problems. It was exciting really. All that horse power and the hugeness of the truck itself. Rufus, as I began to call him, could easily drive right over most of those other cars on the road and I would have just though I hit a pot hole.

On the deserted backroad, well paved but no cars or houses, I let Rufus have his head. I could tell he wanted to all day, he was just holding back. I took it up to just over 120 k. Rufus is old but I could tell he would have liked me to let him race along and hit that 140 K mark where the speedometer ends and its just Rufus and the bare roadway ahead. But I held him back, images of small animals and the every possible pedestrians pushing themselves into my mind. But driving Rufus was fun, if a little too exciting around some of those corners. Rufus just has so much power, one tap on the gas and he wants to fly off the handle.

I'd definitely take Rufus out on another date again. Beat up as he is, he had a powerful, masterly style. I told him, if he was a real man I'd probably go for him, all the way.

Looking Over My Shoulder

Sometimes you just should not look back.

I got reading that old stuff about the visa/ greencard stuff tonight. Maybe its time to take that page down now. I guess its still a resource for some people though, it continues to get at least 10 hits a week. But I had a lot of mixed feelings looking back at the woman who wrote all of that. Would it have been better to have turned around and never looked back? That time I was stopped and searched at the border, before we started the visa process, I could have just gone on with my life, keeping Todd as a friend. I had doubts then but I passed them off as the doubts everyone has, "who is ever sure about marriage" my Mom told me.

I guess I have my answer now. Mom has started talking about me looking online for another guy. I might like meeting someone, but I don't even want to try to trust them. Maybe that changes. Its only been a week since I moved back here. Anyway, I'm tired about thinking about what I'm feeling or if its ok to feel what I'm feeling or if I'm being overly dramatic or just overly sensitive. Is there ever a time when you are allowed to feel anything at all?

Its nearly midnight, when I'm asleep I'm dead to the world.