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Middle Aged Virgins are Real People Too

You're Not the Only One

What's so terrible about being a virgin that people feel ashamed of it and think they have to get rid of their virginity?

If you are a middle aged or adult virgin, you aren't alone.

The general stereotype is to think any one still a virgin after age 30 or even 40 and beyond

  • must hate the opposite sex,
  • be very frigid or have sexual hang ups,
  • be very religious,
  • be gay or
  • be so ugly no one will touch them.

It doesn't occur to people that some middle aged people just haven't found anyone that interesting, attractive or desirable.

I was a virgin (not having sex with anyone) until the age of 32. My boyfriend and I were both virgins (we were the same age too). I would not trade my first experience for any of the younger, fumbling and painful sex my friends had as younger women. Having sex at the age of 32 with another older virgin was the best intercourse I have ever had. It was intense. Not because I wanted the sex, there was no desperation, but because my body was worshipped, explored and discovered. We knew each other, had become friends before becoming lovers and we both wanted to enjoy the experience. The pace was leisurely. We took our time, we talked and we found out everything about touching each other. I didn't have an orgasm, that happened later, after we were together a few times. That first time we indulged ourselves and it was fantastic.

But, I had already taken my own virginity, as far as the actual penetration. If I had not, that first time together would have been less romantic, by far.

Being the first for your partner is hot, especially when you are a woman. (At least from my point of view). We married later, and divorced. I've had a few boyfriends in the years since - but have not been physically intimate with more than one of them. I still think of sex as something I choose to share, not something I need to share. That's the big difference for me. I don't want scratch an itch, I want to share an erotic, romantic and sensual experience with someone who cares about me. I don't settle for less. That's why I was never in a race to lose my virginity. It wasn't about being a virgin, it was about being selective.

Virginity as a Fetish

It's ironic that the very act of keeping your virginity turns you into a fetish. When men know a young woman is a virgin she becomes desirable. They want to take away the very thing they lust for. This was my experience as a young woman, a virgin.

Let's be clear, the men don't desire you as a woman, a person or someone they could really get to know, fall in love with and build a life together. No, all they want is sex.

On the Internet men would be turned on by my virginity and they would offer to have sex with me. Some offered to teach me, take me under their wing. They promised they were really 'good' sexually and would make sure the experience was 'good' for me too.

They couldn't grasp the concept that I was a virgin by choice. I wasn't feeling a pressing need to stop being a virgin for the sake of not being a virgin. Being a virgin wasn't a disease I needed to cure, it just meant I wasn't getting screwed.

I don't know how the experience is for young men who don't begin having sex right away. For me it was a mass of contradictions and my parents did not help. My Mother was not uptight about it. She left it up to me. But, as I became older and still wasn't with any guy, she wondered why I wasn't. My Father never bothered to talk to me about anything but I knew he expected his daughters to be "good girls".

Friends, who were dealing with the same issues were more approachable, insightful and gave me real perspective. Most of my friends were virgins through high school. But a few had boyfriends they were having sex with. None of them went into detail about their first experiences. I know now they just didn't want to be alarming about the pain and the disappointment. For a woman, losing her virginity is no picnic. It hurts! It hurts a lot. It doesn't matter what kind of preparation you do. Don't believe the romance novels! Having sex for the first time feels like you've just had a blunt object forced into your body. Oddly enough, that's what it is.

I lost my virginity, the actual act of being penetrated, by myself. I bought a sex toy and late at night, when I was alone and fairly relaxed, I used it. There was pain. There was pain, not just at the point of insertion but all the way up inside. I did not see much blood however. The second time I did it, weeks later, there was less pain.

So there is the virginity losing reality, for women. It hurts, it's not romantic and fun or easy.

Don't give in to pressure to lose your virginity. Don't sleep with some guy who just wants to screw you or pop your cherry. Think about how you will feel the next day when you are alone and he isn't returning your phone call. (He got what he wanted).

Save your first time for someone who really will appreciate you, not just your virginity, but YOU. You are more than a cherry to be popped.

Why Are People Desperate for Sex?

I'm not pushing religion and saving your virginity for marriage. I'm suggesting, we have a choice and not having sex is not an unhealthy choice. Sex isn't everything. We get sold into having sex before we are even into puberty. Everyone seems to have sex. Everyone seems to be having sex several times a week.

If you haven't slept with someone in the past week you must be desperate to have sex. That's nonsense. We are human beings not insects who only have one year to live, reproduce and then die.

When did people become so desperate and needy when it comes to sex? Who says we have to live that way?

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