The baby shower is over. Last time it was a wedding shower. Both times they were disappointing in the lack of attendance or at least the courtesy of an RSVP. I guess to each person and RSVP doesn't seem that important, after all they are just one person. But, to the party giver/ host its very important and definitely peeves them off when half the expected guests don't show up.

Most of the no shows had called us. All of those were friends of my sister though. The ones that did not call or email were family. That's just plain rude really. We had made truckloads of sweets and sandwiches that we didn't need. All that time could have been spent on other things. I didn't even get time to shop much for a shower gift. In the end I gave her a few things I picked up along the shower trail.

That's the other shower thing I was going to write about. The putting on of the shower. All that planning and buying of basic party goods: throw away table ware, shower game prizes and the food and drink for the guests. It came to a few hundred dollars as far as I can tell. I lost count at a few points.

The dollar store was a great place to find table ware and the odd (not too cheap looking) shower prize. We also made almost 30 stained glass paper butterflies with black construction paper (craft store had a better deal and better quality than the dollar store) and tissue paper. Some of the tissue paper came from past birthday parties and such. Reduce, reuse and recycle! Thanks to Martha Stewart for the butterfly template. The idea is not new but her template was simple and elegant. We actually saw them on her TV show one night and the rest is herstory.

Anyway, shower games, a phrase that strikes dread into the heart of the modern career type woman. Most shower games I looked at were far too silly and childish. The baby is the one who is a child, not the women coming to the shower. Sure, some people love that stuff, not me. So my game of choice was making quilt squares in a non-sewing way. Non-sewing for the guests at least. I went to the local Goodwill, we have a great one here, and I searched for a good quality sheet in a nice, light, genderless colour. I found a light beige one which was in good shape, clean and had not been the bottom (elastic) sheet. Then I bought permanent markers at Zellers, a Canadian department store chain not unlike WalMart. At the shower I cut/ ripped the sheet into squares and rounded up guests to contribute their writing and artsiness for the baby's quilt. Later I will sew all the squares together and add a border, etc. Everyone signed it at least. Some did more. We gave away a prize for the best one. The future big brother picked the winners. He surprised me by picking one which was a poem, no pictures.

I did something like this for her wedding shower several years ago. That time I also found a sheet but I bought it fresh from the department store. I used glitter markers that turned out to be mostly goopy. I got almost everyone to write something on the sheet. I think she still has that sheet but I doubt she uses it. Those markers were not a good thing. This time I made sure to use a plain ink version.

By the time we opened gifts it was time to get homeward bound. Somehow the time passed pretty fast once people began arriving. Funny cause I was sure it was going to drag on and I would be left with everyone looking at me to amuse them. Conversation and good food were enough though. We didn't get to any of the games I had in reserve.

So that was the baby shower. I've promised myself it will be the last one I will do. But, it did turn out ok so, who knows... maybe next sister I will do it all again after all. Luckily, I only have 2 sisters and a brother. There can't be many more showers lurking about after all.

A lot of what I think about men and women comes back to the grooming issue. Do I really hate shaving my legs, wearing make-up (the whole girly girl thing) that much? Maybe I just resent them for pushing this lifestyle on us and making us feel less than a woman if we don't adhere to all of it.

Today I was looking at my arms. Not the pit hair, just that lighter hair that has always been there on my arms. I never thought about shaving it. But, a few weeks ago Todd said something about that dark hair on my arms and I happened to read some magazine or hear some yappy TV show about it too. Is that the latest thing we women are all supposed to become insecure about? Oh my gosh! I have hair growing on my arms!!!

When does it get to the point where we are just allowed to be women and exist as ourselves? I don't want to push myself into someone else's image of what a woman should be. I am a woman, I was born a girl and grew into a woman naturally, on my own, without any help from styling gels, hot wax or unnatural diets. I am a woman not because I'm girly girl but because I am a woman.

Being a woman means never having your own name - never really claiming an identity and always being a transient among people with IDs.

At the divorce hearing (is that what they call it?) the judge asked a couple of times about my last name, if I'm changing back to my maiden name. I didn't put a lot of thought into the whole name thing this time. I thought more about it before the marriage.

There was a time when I had decided I would keep my family name when I married. When I told Todd this, before we were married he was surprised that I would even suggest such a thing. He wouldn't even consider that I wouldn't take his name. I don't know why I took his name when we got married. Maybe the simple answer is that I just caved. I remembered all the times my sisters and I talked about having a better name than Brown. Better sounding, more interesting, etc. But, by the time I wasn't a kid any more I appreciated Brown, it's easy to spell all those times I have to give my name for something or other. It's plain but natural too. So, if it wasn't dramatic, it was at least dependable.

Here I am, at another name crossroads. I chose to keep Tripp. I don't feel I can go back to being Brown again. I'm not that same person, the girl I was. Neither name feels like it belongs to me, neither feels a part of me. When I think about the name thing I feel like I have no identity, no name, no home. That's why I wrote that quote above a few weeks ago.

At least I still have my first name, they can't take that away from me.

Trying to Get Through More Paper Stuff

Maybe I will be leaving this week still. I hope so. I have mostly everything packed, some I'm waiting to pack until I know I will be leaving. Some I'm trying to sort through and get rid of more of it. So much is just clutter. Maybe I will make use of it in my writing and maybe I never will. How can you tell and how can you through something good away. I'm trying. I wish I could live more nomadically, just a box of a few things and a pack on my back to move with me. How idea that sounds. Instead I have all kinds of stuff and each time I think about how its too much I realize all the reasons I can't just give it up too easily.

"To make your ideas work for you, you first have to work for them." Thomas Alva Edison.

"It is a terrible thing, this kindness that human beings do not lose. Terrible because when we are finally naked in the dark and cold, it is all we have. We who are so rich, so full of strength, wind up with that small change. We have nothing else to give." Urula K. Le Guin.

"Success is a journey, not a destination." Ben Sweetland.

"Happiness is not a state to arrive at, but rather a manner of traveling." Samuel Johnson.

"Make voyages. Attempt them. There's nothing else." Tennessee Williams.

"Any road is bound to arrive somewhere if you follow it far enough."Patricia Wentworth.

"A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step." Chinese proverb.

"Adventure is worthwhile in itself." Amelia Earhart.

"The cream of enjoyment in this life is always impromptu. The chance walk; the unexpected visit; the unpremeditated journey; the unsought conversation or acquaintance." Fanny Fern.

"Give curiousity freedom." Eudora Welty.

"Nothing ventured, nothing gained." Geoffrey Chaucer.

"In the long run the pessimist may be proved to be right, but the optimist has a better time on the trip." Daniel L. Reardon.

"The end is nothing; the road is all." Willa Cather.

"Whatever wrinkles I got, I enjoyed getting them." Ava Gardner.

"Nature gives you the face you have when you are twenty. Life shapes the face you have at thirty. But it is up to you to earn the face you have at fifty." Coco Chanel.

"Do not deprive me of my age. I have earned it." May Sarton.

"Age is all imagination. Ignore years and they'll ignore you." Ella Wheeler-Wilcox.

"we are always the same age inside." Gertrude Stein

"The great thing about getting older is that you don't lose all the other ages you've been." Madeleine L'Engle.