The main problem with having a period is the bloody mess. After that the problem is the hormones, or lets just skip a few steps and call it the horniness. Yes, here it is day one and I'm already muttering "squish, squish" and then thinking about all the ways I'd love to make lustful sex with some nice, warm body.

Having sex at this point isn't really what I want. I'd rather just let all the bleeding go on in peace. But, there is plenty more sensuality to sex. At least there should be. No wonder men are from Mars and women are from Venus.

Anyway, once upon a time I found a Yahoo Club called Blood Sisters. In theory women were able to talk about their periods. But, all too often some horny dick posted about how much he wanted to fuck us all. What desperate morons.

Mostly, it made me angry that they had to spoil even this womanly ritual. It's not like any of them have anything to contribute. I don't care who they are, they don't bleed once a month, they don't have cramps and moods and they don't get aggravated because their cute new panties just got stained. Don't you just hate when you get those surprises?

I do. That's why I've resorted to wearing cotton granny panties when the mess starts.

Back to the desperate morons... do you ever think that the real reason men like women to suck their cocks (become cock suckers) is to feel accepted by us? I've wondered about this. I mean, everyone wants to feel accepted. Men do have that silly looking thing. Maybe what they really need is to feel we aren't laughing at it behind their backs. Not that we aren't. But, maybe the illusion would make them feel better.

Though, why do we want to resort to being cock suckers just to spare their feelings/ ego? From what I've read in the Adult BackWash messageboards if they get into the gymnastics of the whole thing they can suck it themselves. Would they call themselves cock suckers?

I'm so curious. That and contrary. Right now I think I will go out and get myself some ice cream. Diet be damned. No wonder I was craving the stuff yesterday. At least I was spared all the pre-period zits this time.

Does anyone have links to something about an erotic mad scientist? Yes, I'll be looking for industrial erotica tonight. May as well just go right to IRC and troll bait.

A lot of what I think about men and women comes back to the grooming issue. Do I really hate shaving my legs, wearing make-up (the whole girly girl thing) that much? Maybe I just resent them for pushing this lifestyle on us and making us feel less than a woman if we don't adhere to all of it.

Today I was looking at my arms. Not the pit hair, just that lighter hair that has always been there on my arms. I never thought about shaving it. But, a few weeks ago Todd said something about that dark hair on my arms and I happened to read some magazine or hear some yappy TV show about it too. Is that the latest thing we women are all supposed to become insecure about? Oh my gosh! I have hair growing on my arms!!!

When does it get to the point where we are just allowed to be women and exist as ourselves? I don't want to push myself into someone else's image of what a woman should be. I am a woman, I was born a girl and grew into a woman naturally, on my own, without any help from styling gels, hot wax or unnatural diets. I am a woman not because I'm girly girl but because I am a woman.

Being a woman means never having your own name - never really claiming an identity and always being a transient among people with IDs.

At the divorce hearing (is that what they call it?) the judge asked a couple of times about my last name, if I'm changing back to my maiden name. I didn't put a lot of thought into the whole name thing this time. I thought more about it before the marriage.

There was a time when I had decided I would keep my family name when I married. When I told Todd this, before we were married he was surprised that I would even suggest such a thing. He wouldn't even consider that I wouldn't take his name. I don't know why I took his name when we got married. Maybe the simple answer is that I just caved. I remembered all the times my sisters and I talked about having a better name than Brown. Better sounding, more interesting, etc. But, by the time I wasn't a kid any more I appreciated Brown, it's easy to spell all those times I have to give my name for something or other. It's plain but natural too. So, if it wasn't dramatic, it was at least dependable.

Here I am, at another name crossroads. I chose to keep Tripp. I don't feel I can go back to being Brown again. I'm not that same person, the girl I was. Neither name feels like it belongs to me, neither feels a part of me. When I think about the name thing I feel like I have no identity, no name, no home. That's why I wrote that quote above a few weeks ago.

At least I still have my first name, they can't take that away from me.

Trying to Get Through More Paper Stuff

Maybe I will be leaving this week still. I hope so. I have mostly everything packed, some I'm waiting to pack until I know I will be leaving. Some I'm trying to sort through and get rid of more of it. So much is just clutter. Maybe I will make use of it in my writing and maybe I never will. How can you tell and how can you through something good away. I'm trying. I wish I could live more nomadically, just a box of a few things and a pack on my back to move with me. How idea that sounds. Instead I have all kinds of stuff and each time I think about how its too much I realize all the reasons I can't just give it up too easily.

"To make your ideas work for you, you first have to work for them." Thomas Alva Edison.

"It is a terrible thing, this kindness that human beings do not lose. Terrible because when we are finally naked in the dark and cold, it is all we have. We who are so rich, so full of strength, wind up with that small change. We have nothing else to give." Urula K. Le Guin.

"Success is a journey, not a destination." Ben Sweetland.

"Happiness is not a state to arrive at, but rather a manner of traveling." Samuel Johnson.

"Make voyages. Attempt them. There's nothing else." Tennessee Williams.

"Any road is bound to arrive somewhere if you follow it far enough."Patricia Wentworth.

"A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step." Chinese proverb.

"Adventure is worthwhile in itself." Amelia Earhart.

"The cream of enjoyment in this life is always impromptu. The chance walk; the unexpected visit; the unpremeditated journey; the unsought conversation or acquaintance." Fanny Fern.

"Give curiousity freedom." Eudora Welty.

"Nothing ventured, nothing gained." Geoffrey Chaucer.

"In the long run the pessimist may be proved to be right, but the optimist has a better time on the trip." Daniel L. Reardon.

"The end is nothing; the road is all." Willa Cather.

"Whatever wrinkles I got, I enjoyed getting them." Ava Gardner.

"Nature gives you the face you have when you are twenty. Life shapes the face you have at thirty. But it is up to you to earn the face you have at fifty." Coco Chanel.

"Do not deprive me of my age. I have earned it." May Sarton.

"Age is all imagination. Ignore years and they'll ignore you." Ella Wheeler-Wilcox.

"we are always the same age inside." Gertrude Stein

"The great thing about getting older is that you don't lose all the other ages you've been." Madeleine L'Engle.