Originally posted to Adult BackWash, when I wrote a weekly column called Bait and Switch: Tuesday June 04, 2002

Most people focus on what they need and not what they can give. To me, that is the secret of male submission. Or at least what makes a real male submissive versus someone who just has a lot of fetishes and likes being ordered around. I've felt a kind of revulsion to the male subs who want to lick shoes, have a woman sit on their faces and assorted other fetishy things. What does that give to the Domme, slobber on her shoes and an uncomfortable seating position.

Today it occurred to me that at the root of all my feelings about what makes a good male submissive is one who knows what he can give, not what he wants or needs to take. Or at least one who understands that there is a difference. After all, Dommes are women, not blow up dolls.

In IRC chat I have had so many men approach me and start telling me what they want or need. It's really rare that one just talks and tells me about himself, real conversation about who he is and what might interest me about him. I don't mean I want a long list of how he will suck each of my toes, my clit and anything else he thinks he would enjoy doing for me.

That is the key, he would enjoy doing those things. What do I really get out of that? I'm probably not in the mood to even listen to some strange man babble on and on about pleasing me. Actually, I'm just contrary enough that anything he suggests will strike me as something I don't want any part of.

What I would really like is a sub male who is genuinely interested in getting to know me, as a person. Then, I'd like to know why he feels submissive, what he gets out of being a submissive (and I don't mean sex, cumming and all that boring stuff). Emotionally, what does it do for him and why? I want to know what he does when he wakes up and gets dressed each day. Does he like his career, how tall is he, does he laugh at life, is he grumpy in the morning, is he a smoker, does he have a hobby/ collection/ family/ pets? These are the things I really want to know. I don't give a rat's ass about seeing a picture of his face (or his cock!) at that point.

Also, I don't want to answer 20 questions about myself without getting any input about the man asking all the questions. I'm not stupid, I know when you are asking me about my measurements, bra size and how often I masturbate you aren't interested in me, just in jerking off yourself. If I get anything out of the exchange it's knowing I left you wanting more.

This is turning into my own private personals ad. But, if there is a male sub out there, about my age (30's) you can email me through BackWash. If you're interesting to me and interested in me, we could meet for coffee. You're buying, you're the giving one remember?

(Note - This post is outdated as I am no longer in my 30's and I am considering a male who seems to suit me).

Original post from Adult BackWash, when I wrote a weekly column called Bait and Switch: Thursday May 30, 2002

I set up this column with Ringman, the Backwash founder, in secrecy. In fact, I've been around Backwash about a year on and off. I write another column over in original Backwash. But, I didn't feel comfortable coming out about my BDSM side. There are a lot of stereotypes for women. Things a nice girl does and doesn't do. Nice girls get treated like nice girls and those other girls, well, they're just sluts aren't they?

At one point in my life I thought I was going to die a virgin. I was over 30 when I had sex with a real live human male. I actually took my own cherry with a vibrator I bought in an adult store and I was in my later 20's then. Even that had to happen when I was thousands of miles away from home.

Not that my Mother was/ is someone prim and proper. Heck, I was her second pregnancy and she was 20 when I was born. The first pregnancy was aborted. If it hadn't been for that kid's being aborted I wouldn't be here today. Mom told me that she didn't want to abort a second baby so she married my Dad. My Dad is a jerk most of the time, I've always thought she should have run while she could.

Anyway, that's all getting way off the topic. I grew up as a nice girl in a middle class neighborhood in the suburbs of a very large city. Sex wasn't something taboo but we weren't about to open up a bordello for a bit of extra income either. You get the idea.

I was a virgin for so long because I didn't meet any guy I wanted to get naked with. You are pretty vulnerable at that point. My Dad spent a lot of years heaping emotional abuse on me, mainly about how I looked. That didn't make me feel better about myself and I often loaded up on goodies to make up for it. So, by the time I was 20 I was chubby, had less than perfect skin and any time I might have a bit of self esteem it would be blown to bits when ever I looked at movies, magazines and all the other places "they" tell us we should all look like air brushed photos of skeletal women.

So, dropping my drawers was pretty much the last thing I wanted to do to attract the opposite sex. I think I choose my husband as my first (and only) lover because he was someone who felt a lot like I did. We were both virgins. But, if anyone asks me what the hottest sex I have ever had was, that was it! To be touched so reverently, cautiously, it made me feel like a goddess- priceless, valued and very sexy. Of course, that's all dust in the wind now.

Anyway, am I a mutant freak? Does anyone else have kinky fantasies or better yet, kinky sex? Does it turn you on to think of being seduced? Do you have rape fantasies? Do you think it would be fun to tie up a strong man and have your way with him? Or do you really, secretly just want to be Daddy's little girl?

Originally posted to Adult BackWash, April 29, 2002

I'm guessing most people have something going on in their head while they give themselves an orgasm. I don't think my fantasies are unusual. I just haven't told anyone about them, before now.

In most of my fantasies I'm being seduced whether its by an older man (a Daddy/ teacher sort of situation) or I'm having a rape fantasy (not violent, its a seduction after all) by an alien or some non-human type thing like a machine. I also have bestiality fantasies. I think those are along the same lines as the rape fantasy, its all being seduced by something other than a human. A force you can't reason with, talk to, etc. I know that has something to do with the appeal of these fantasies to me.

These are not things I would actually like to do. But, fantasies are in a world of their own. You only imagine the good parts, the parts that turn you on. The reality would be very different and not at all pleasant. But, these are the things that seem to appeal to me while I'm sitting or lying around, stroking my clit.

On the other hand, the Domme fantasies are something I think I could do. Not really extreme stuff, although I could get to a point where I would be tempted to explore some of that. The crack of a whip would really add spice to the reality versus fantasy. But, that is something I could learn to do.

One thing that does not interest me is forced feminization. As a women that is insulting really. Both as something that needs to be forced and as something that a man could attain so easily. I don't know why men want to be women, or attempt to dress as one. Women don't seem to be flocking for forced masculinization. I wonder how men would feel if forced masculinization became a fetish.

I also don't like whimpy style male submissives. They make it seem kind of gross in a way. Its more like you are just part of his jerk off fantasy than something that should be good for both of you. But, a male submissive who brings you into the fantasy, one who can crack a joke, let you seduce him and submit, especially when he doesn't really want to. That is the kind of submissive male that I fantasize about.

When I do fantasize about a male submitting to me its along the lines of a Sharon Green story. I don't know if she is still writing her femdom style fiction. They were a good read. I started reading them years ago and the warrior women, especially those in the tribe with the Goddess Mida stayed in my fantasies for a long time. I would see myself as one of the women in the tribe using men as they did. They had some kind of drug they gave them and then they tied the men down on the ground, spread eagled, and whoever could throw her spear farthest would win the first crack at the new male captive. I didn't always win. Sometimes I came back late from hunting and the man was already worn out. He would beg not to be used any more. But, I would trick him into taking the drug again and then I would use him in spite of his protests.

I guess that's why I really need a Switchy man. Someone who could submit and be submitted to as the fantasy occurs.

Originally posted to Adult BackWash: Friday April 19, 2002

I can be dominating and have that power charge, also I think a switch male is more interesting/ challenging to dominate because there is more to him than the desire to submit. I like knowing there is a give and take of power and I don't have to always be dominant and I am being dominant over a man who is strong and can be dominant also. There is less thrill in dominating someone who needs it, than there is in dominating someone who wants it.

I especially like knowing that I can let go and be taken care of or dominated when that's what I need or want. I like having options to suit my needs of the moment instead of being trapped in one role.

I also think a Switch is someone who has explored more of the philosophy and their own feelings about D/s than others who stick to one role. As a Switch you are often questioned about where you fit in - so it's something you explore and can evolved with as time goes on. I think switching allows more movement and creativity.

I also don't trust a man who says he is Dom or a woman who says she is sub. I think those roles are too easy to fall into. They are already a stereotype. It's much harder to step out of the stereotyped role and be something which can be seen as lesser. People see sub men as weak instead of a man who chooses to please women. People see a female Dom as somebody who is bitchy, maybe cruel instead of a woman who enjoys being more involved in the sexual side of her relationship.

For me dominating does come down to that - being more involved. When I'm in charge I know it's up to me to lead - not wait for him to start something - not needing to see if he is even willing to start something. It's my choice and I can take his feelings into account but I don't have to wait for him to lead or touch me in the right way, etc. Its more fun when its lady's choice.

Originally Posted to Adult BackWash: Saturday March 30, 2002

In the BDSM community I'm what they call a Switch. Depending on my mood or the partner I'm with, I can be Domme or subbie. Overall, I prefer Domme. Its a powerful surge of energy to have a good man while he's down. But, its nice being a subbie too. Nice to let go and be taken care of. Not something I want to get into a lot, but nice now and then. I've never found just the right man for that job.

For me, it all started with John Norman. I've never met the man, never wanted to either. Once upon a time I found one of his books left in the living room by my Dad. I was probably 12, had just started having a few very innocent Dr. Kildare fantasies and exploring my body, alone in my bed, with all the lights out. The cover art drew me in. Those perfect, curvaceous bodies, just what every 12 year old female thinks she is supposed to grow into.

I read the back cover, from there I went inside. I only skimmed the pages, reading the scenes that began to thrill me. The capture of the woman and the good parts after that. I didn't care about Gor, about the male warriors and whatever else filled the rest of the pages of that book. That was the first time I felt sexually excited by something I read.

It seemed something bad, something I should not be reading or even wanting to read. I still have that conflict with my good girl image and my private bad girl fantasies. At times I like having the conflict, it means I haven't gone over to the "other side".

That is the root of my questions, my quest or journey. How much sexual lust can a good girl have before she becomes one of the bad girls? Then, is it really ok to have rape fantasies and fantasies of tormenting men, in a fun way. The Domme that is me is definitely not extreme. I like the domestic discipline, teasing torment, mild humiliation variety of play. No doubt someone would read my fantasies and say they are quite extreme, someone else would read them and think they are far too tame, girlish even.

So far the group of BDSM types which has most echoed my own feelings about D/s were The Ladies Tea Society. They really understand that men are to serve their Domme, not the other way around. The Ladies Tea Society has meetings where the ladies dress up, chat, have tea and amuse themselves by tormenting, humiliating the male submissives they bring with them. The men pour and serve tea, now and then one will act as a table for tea cups, plates of cookies, whatever. The men have the original option of being there or not. Once they make that choice they have no options left. There is no torture, just torment and a lot of fun for the women.

So, there you have my introduction. Some of the parts of me. Currently, I have begun with a new online subbie, male. Its very new. I plan to meet him. Right now I'm just enjoying getting to know him. In the past I had one online subbie. I wrote erotica for him. We never met, he lived too far away. He was a great friend and a lot of fun to Dom.