Originally posted to Adult BackWash: Monday July 28, 2003  

I've denied it for a long time but, I have to finally admit, I'm a closet exhibitionist. Even as I type this I'm sitting in front of the computer screen with the fan blowing over the skin of my bare back and my breasts lit by the computer glow.

Why? I'm not sure. I like the daring of it, that excites me. But, it's a calculated risk. Just like flashing on IRC (Internet Relay Chat) or standing in front of a high rise window topless or scantily clad. There is a thrill in being naughty, in performing for an audience and in shocking your significant other if you have one handy.

So, yes, I'm a closet exhibitionist. You won't find me on a nude beach but you may catch me changing clothes in the car. I don't fix my shirt if it slips down and my bra peeps through. I don't feel concerned about exposed cleavage, in fact I admit I revel in being a bit revealing. It's like taking a dare, accepting a challenge no one expects you to take.

Would you ever take off your clothes in public? Ever play truth or dare and risk being dared to publicly strip? Does it excite or terrify you? I don't think it's so much about body image as it is about freedom.

Have fun.

Originally posted to Adult BackWash: Sunday July 20, 2003  

Is unwillingness a turn on for you? Would you admit it? Willing has become like a buzz word in the sex industry/ BDSM community. Just like the 'two consenting adults' thing. But, all those proper willing ideas don't change the fact that unwillingness is still a big turn on. Not just for men either.

Women have rape fantasies and versions of rape fantasies based on being unwilling or unknowing. Women also think of using men. Tormenting them really. I cook up some pretty good ideas along those lines myself. In one case cooking actually is involved.

But, I digress... I'm sure you don't want to hear about my little fantasy...

I'm not sure which I prefer, the one where I'm actually cooking a man or where he just keeps on cooking, doing laundry, windows and so on. In both cases he is not real happy about it. Never fear, I don't actually cook him all the way in the first case. I just like to see him sweat awhile. It's good for his pores, right?  But, I can imagine how his voice would turn just a bit squeaky as I begin adding the carrots, potatoes and onions to the big stew pot he is tied up in. "Getting a bit hot in there, dear?" Just imagine how he would feel as he began to wonder if I was just playing after all?

Being a bit evil is kind of fun. But, it's just a little fantasy. Not even one I pull out often. I'm not a chef after all.

There are so many other fantasies that involve a man who isn't exactly willing or who at least, pretends not to be exactly willing. I'd like to have a man I wanted (over some goofball who begs, demands, or expects it) at my mercy. I really do like the fun of tormenting him. Of course, he will expect so little from such a nice wallflower like me. Won't he be surprised?

Anyway, I was thinking of the whole willing thing today. Having a willing partner is being good, obeying the rules and all that stuff. That's why it's important to find a man who can play an unwilling victim, convincingly. I want to believe he really is just a bit scared. I want to enjoy his surprise, uncertainty and struggles as if he really were unwilling.

Where should your man (lover) pay more attention? I don't mean in the grocery store where he never hears you telling him to pick up a few cans of tuna, a bag of milk, and so on. I mean, when you're making out.

Men look at our bodies differently than we do, of course. Plus, each of us has our own special body areas and ways we want those areas treated. No one would know that, without asking or us making it clear to them. So, what would you like more of, and where?

For me, it was breast play. I found my ex husband would start there and move on, usually forgetting them. But, they didn't stop wanting to be caressed, sucked on and felt up in general.

Do men tend to hit the pussy and think that's coming to the end of their journey? Job's all but done? They should know by now, we're more complicated than that...

...and then there are some of us who just enjoy being contrary far too much... Not me, of course.

Originally posted to Adult BackWash: Monday June 23, 2003

Sex blogs are getting popular, or at least with people who have an interest in reading or writing about sex. This is sort of a sex blog. Not entirely since, for one thing, I'm not having any to write about. For another thing I don't update as often as the blog purists would say is necessary. Anyway, I still don't see myself being a sex blogger. It would be strange to write about my body parts and what I did with them for mass public consumption. It sounds almost pornographic!

For me, wallflower that I am, this is more than enough. It's not easy pulling out some idea worthy of Adult BackWash once a week. Who really feels that absorbed with sex? Not me.

I do think someone who would write a sex blog and keep it updated must have quite a huge preoccupation with sex and sex stuff. Maybe you think it would be easy to write a sex blog cause you think about sex all the time. But, try it.

Anyway, it's interesting to see who writes them. I like to read about the people behind the blogs. What led them to writing a sex blog, what do they get out of it and mostly, what keeps them going.

At least it is a step up from being a phone sex 'actress', at least as I see it. Sex bloggers can set their own hours, be less available physically and emotionally to their customers/ readers. That is an important difference. Pretty much the main reason I can't see myself becoming a phone sex person even though the money would be pretty great if not highly tempting. But, I don't want to have to listen to some guy jerking off and then hanging up on me when he's done. I want to be an important part of the whole process not just some handy tool.

So, the diva in me rises again. No wonder the part of sex blogging that most appeals to me is the fame. Maybe not the fame I always saw for myself when I was growing up, but fame none the less.

Anyway, if I ever do get a sex life again, I'll slip in a few details, a few interesting tidbits, just enough to whet your whistle and keep you wondering if I really did any of that or am I just another wallflower making it all up as I go along. You'll never really know will you. Hopefully I will.

I bought the new Cosmo tonight after work. It's not the Cosmo your Mother once knew. At least that's what you'd like to think. Anyway, before I start rambling on uselessly about Mother's and getting ancient before my time...

The top stories at Cosmo are naked bartenders (want your drink shaken or stirred?), Drew Barrymore's love life, sex positions and how to be a sexy goddess. Well, we already know the answer to that last one. We're all just born goddesses, woman born of woman, how could we be anything else but a goddess. Yeah, I know, you think I must be kidding. I'm not really, not entirely anyway. I wish we all thought of ourselves as goddesses. Thought that well of ourselves as we are.

The article that I wandered into first was about your sex dreams and what they say about you. As if anyone could guess what your dreams mean to you. Each of us looks at the world in our own unique way, no one cold understand your dreams better than you can yourself. Not that it's easy but if you think about how you feel about each element in your dream you have a good start at figuring them out.

Anyway, if you're dreaming of sex with the boss you are admiring something about them. Maybe you want to be more of a leader, have more success, confidence or power. Does that mean all my dreams about the man in charge are cause I want to be the man in charge? Not that I want to be a man at all. Just the one in charge of all the other men. Poor bastards.

If you dream about your best friend's guy you are admiring her taste in men. It doesn't mean you want to go out and grab him for yourself. Well, sort of, but you have more class than that, right?

You're dreaming of sex with an actor... you just want something kind of wild and no strings attached. Wham, bam, thank you man. Kind of like sex with a one night stand. You don't know the celebrity, he could be a total jerk and it wouldn't matter cause you don't really want to know him or spend real quality time getting to know him. You just want his body.

My personal favourite... you're doing kinky stuff with your guy, in your dreams. According to the article you want to do more kinky stuff outside of your dreams. You want him to take charge and lead the way to bondage, fantasies and other naughty stuff you might not even write in your diary!

The last one isn't a dream about sex but it's one that I have often, strangely enough for an almost virgin wallflower. The dream of flying and enjoying it means you are happy with your sex life. The feeling of soaring through the air means you are feeling free sexually. Oh well, shows that these dream articles don't hit all the bases.

So what base will you and your guy get to tonight? Don't let him score too easily, the longer he takes the more time you get to enjoy it.