Originally posted to Adult BackWash: Saturday November 08, 2003  

Don't tell anyone but... I'm having a secret love affair with a guy who doesn't know anything about it. It's much more fun this way. Trust me. No hang-ups, on the phone or otherwise. No mountains of luggage, baggage and social issues. It's so nice to come home to secret love affair guy too. Sometimes he picks me up at work and comes walking around with me as I work. We chat. It's always light hearted fun chat. Secret love affair guy is never difficult or moody. I don't allow it.

Too bad you can't just make some kind of robot man to behave exactly as you want. Life would be so much friendlier and simple. Not to mention all the romance and great sex.

I guess that is my personal best as far as fetishes go. The robot man, may rust in case of rain. Tends to collect dust and require frequent doses of oil and spare parts. Lifetime guarantee. You can even inherit robot man from your Grandmother. Now there's a picture!! Ick!

If robot man could feel would he feel like a used condom? I wonder about these things.

I wonder about many things so it's no surprise that I can add a hundred more things to wonder about to my list of things to wonder about at the drop of a hat. How's that for a complex sort of run on sentence? I'm not even going to fix it. I know what I mean, the rest of you can follow the bouncing ball and I wish you the best of good luck.

Anyway, back to the secret lover. He is based on a real man. I don't indulge completely in some misty fantasy land. It would be hard to drive that way for one thing. So far I have no tickets or warnings, not bad for a flake, eh? Flake of what you may wonder. I've wondered that too, on and off, as wondering flakes tend to do.

So, ok, this column is supposed to be about sex you're probably thinking by now. So here's your dose of sex.

Was it good for you? What, can't you read between the lines? Was the invisible ink too light for you?

I guess you missed it then. The secret love affair guy who doesn't know he's the secret love affair guy said he loved it. Made his hair sizzle. Not to mention other bits that tend to stick out.

Anyway, don't tell him who he is. That would spoil everything. Just smile and keep them all guessing. Won't that bug him when he reads this.

Originally posted to Adult BackWash: Monday November 03, 2003  

What shocks you? Men are more shocked or flustered by a discussion of menstruation than they would be if you flashed your pussy at them in a crowded shopping mall. It's kind of funny, really. If you could even flash in public, you could test out the theory.

Of course, if you were menstruating at the time, that would be the real test. Would he be shocked, aroused or angry?

Anyway, I'm having my period. Who would have guessed, eh? It started at work, so glad we don't wear white pants as part of the work uniform. The black pants don't show anything and I know there was something to show. It was one of those days when I hoped I was wrong and I was too busy to dash off to check until a bit later when it was already too late. Then, I still had to explain that I was going out to my car, no I'm not leaving early, just getting something from the car. It's funny when men question you about this sort of thing and you know they won't like the answer. The more you try to spare their delicate sensibilities the more they seem to feel they need to know. So, I tell them, bluntly at times since, really they shouldn't have insisted on all the gory details in the first place.

Of course it was one of those times when I had bad cramps. For you guys still suffering through to read this, cramps are like someone trying to twist your internal organs into a pretzel and then force the whole mess of your insides through an opening the size of a zit. It's not fun. I was bent over double and thinking how much I hate all people in general. Of course, I don't get PMS. That would be too easily explained. I just get actual MS, it all happens in the first hour. Not that I become psycho bitch, I just don't feel like making the effort to be nice for awhile. To say that I hate everyone is really exaggerated since I was still functioning at work, being pleasant to co-workers and cleaning up after shoppers. I didn't even bite!

Eventually, I decided the pain was worth a second trip out to the car. This time I just walked out and only told one of the other women I was taking my break early. Let them wonder.

I tried something new this period. Have you ever tried Mydol or Pamperin? I haven't, still haven't exactly since I'm not wealthy enough to pay double for them when I can get the generic drugs for $4.00. Yes, I did drugs! I know, some of you will be shocked. The wallflower on drugs, it's pretty out of character. I actually did hope I'd feel kind of high too. Well, it would have been an improvement over how I was feeling at the time.

Anyway, I took two pills, they smelled nice. I waited for them to work. Waited and waited and suddenly I realized they actually were working. It was great. I had asked to leave an hour early and I still did. But, before that I was feeling fine again. More like my usual self.

So, just letting you know that wallflowers can be bitchy but there are drugs to help. Send drugs to a wallflower you know today. Do you think we could found a wallflower drug drive charity sort of thing? I could try the non-generic brands.

OK, you men, it's safe to read again. In case you skipped to the end hoping there would be some part of this that wasn't too dangerous for you to read. Come back next week (on the 16th) when I'll have something brilliant and sexy in prose for the Scribbles Festival at BackWash.

Originally posted to Adult BackWash: Wednesday October 29, 2003  

The best part of my orgasm is the length of time I can hold onto it right after it starts. At first there is the build up, sometimes it builds slowly. Then that moment when time stops, that little death. It does seem you could die at that moment and not even know it. Then my orgasm starts, the juices flow and the muscles of my vagina contract over and over and over. I'm not sure if that's what they call a multi orgasm. The best part is how long I can keep it going before my fingers get tired or I just can't take any more without becoming vocal. I've spent too much time living with other people to let myself be loud.

My standard method is clit fingering these days. I'm an expert on my own clit and how to touch it just right. I don't get finicky and try different fingering. The same old rubs, strokes and touches work just fine. At some point I don't know exactly how I'm doing it just that I don't want to stop.

The clit stroking is nice too. Even though it's not the main event I do enjoy the build up, that feeling of getting wetter and tighter. Once in a while it's not enough and I want something inside my vagina. That's just the odd time and I often wonder if it's linked to my menstrual cycle in some way. We do get typical skin break outs, cravings, tender breasts and such just before it starts. Likely we can be different in our arousal too.

Do men have real orgasms? Or is it more of a sperm release than a whole body experience? I know men traditionally fall asleep after sex. I do too. Unless I'm too tired to stay awake I have an orgasm every night when I go to bed. I always thought most women did the same. It's a great way to fall asleep, doesn't cost a thing and is good for your body and mind.

Originally posted to Adult BackWash: Thursday October 16, 2003  

Puppety of the Penis is playing in Toronto, it has been for awhile. I'm not going to see the show but I admit I'm curious. First of all, isn't twisting that thing supposed to hurt? Or, have they been lying to us all these generations? Somehow, I don't think any of them (them being men: mobile sperm banks, penis carriers, etc) would let me test out my theories.

What have you (being other women) always wondered about the penis and it's accessories? As a young woman I always wondered if it got in the way when they sat down. Do they ever sit on it and have to jump up again, suddenly. Also, I wondered about the zipper issue but I found out later that I was right. Kind of careless of them isn't it? After all, they make such a to-do about having it hanging around you would think they'd remember to move it out of the way at strategic moments.

Now, when I'm older, somewhat experienced (well, at least I've seen the gear outside of magazines) I wonder about other things. For instance, would they be annoyed if I laughed? I once read a romance novel where the hero was walking around naked, actually he was pacing. The heroine was laughing (trying not to) as his cock swung back and forth while he paced. I'd laugh too. At least I'd think it was pretty silly looking.

Another thing I've come to learn is how much smaller they are than they have been reported to be. In romance novels every hero is well endowed. A girl grows up expecting... well... something along those lines. It's kind of a surprise to find out most are not more than 6 inches on a good day. Then, it's really disappointing to have it slip out during intercourse. As an avid romance reader (in my high school days) I was so sure nothing like that could ever happen once I was speared with his mighty lance.

I did like penetration, however it just didn't last very long. Vibrators just don't cut it either. They aren't warm and friendly. I've given up on them completely. I only use the current one when I'm desperate, like a cat in heat. It happens. Not every night, but about once a month at the right stage of the cycle, these things happen.

Anyway, why does the tip of a penis look like a flying saucer? I think this is proof that men really are from another planet.

Why does hair grow on the balls? It's not like it's really enough to keep them warm. They just look kind of scraggly, like a winter coat that's seen too many toboggan rides.

If you left a cock ring on too tight would his cock get all tingly like your finger does if you have a Band-Aid on too tight?

If you asked him to let you play Puppetry of the Penis with him would he say yes?

Let me know if you figure any of this out, especially if you get to experiment about that whole puppetry thing.

Doesn't sex seem just too icky when you really think about it?

"Hi, could you stick that thing you pee with in the most sensitive and vulnerable part of my body? Thanks." Oh Yeah, that sounds real sexy, can't wait for some of that.

NOT!

Luckily there is more to sex than actual sex. At least there should be.