Originally posted to Adult BackWash: Friday August 13, 2004  

Could these rules apply to both male and female subs? Why or why not?

I always think it's interesting that men into BDSM like to make rules for their women. How very butch, controlling and bossy of them. Submitting isn't about following a list of rules. It's about sharing something. What are you sharing if you're just ticking off things on his list of requirements?

Anyway, my own ideas for the six rules follow...

The 6 elements of the D/s lifestyle:

"Deportment" means following rules of behavior. This emphasizes knowing correct behavior as well as doing it to the satisfaction of your Master.

"Body preparation" means how you daily prepare yourself, permanent decorations on your body, and even physical exercise routines. This emphasizes accepting the long term and permanent standards of your Master, as well as giving responsibility for your body to your Master.

"Exhibitionism" means displaying your body (clothed or unclothed) in specified ways, including your sexually-intimate parts. This emphasizes knowledge of your sexual image and using it to please those around you, especially your Master.

"Sluttery" means use of your body in sexual ways. This emphasizes arousing and gratifying the lusts of those around you, especially your Master.

"Bondage" means the use of external restraints on your body. This emphasizes the loss of control over your body as well as the development of patience and subservience in the service of your Master.

"Rewards" means the use of rewards and punishments for feedback and control. This emphasizes submission of yourself to your Master for both rewards and punishments, looking to Him for gratification of your desires, and accepting His treatment of you as proper.

Deportment. Back straight, eyes front and if you can't crack a smile you're too damn serious. Get thee to the kitchen and bring me fresh coffee. Now, lets work on your posture. The position of the day is... coffee table. Down boy

Body preparation. Hmmm.. kind of wandered off there. Preparing his body... that's something I like. Keep your hands to yourself boy. It's my turn! You can never be too prepared. (Responsibility for his body! Hah! He can wipe his own butt.)

Exhibitionism. Yes! By all means. Stand at attention where I can see you. A bit more left... yes, good boy.

Sluttery. Ummm... ok. I expect some degree of sluttery 24/ 7. Any less and he will need an examination. Which just has all kinds of interesting possibilities.

Bondage. This works when I've had enough of the standard sluttery. Also, that whole leash idea. Men: the pet for Dommes with allergies to real dogs.

Rewards. Ye olde carrot on a stick. You're the carrot and I get to poke you with the stick. If you're good I'll let you be the stick for awhile.

Originally posted to Adult BackWash: Friday August 06, 2004  

Tired of dating? Fed up with weeding through the singles market only to find yourself spending an evening with yet another dud? Well, I have the solution for you! Date a robot, also known as an android or mechanical human type creature.

Why settle for another lonely, sad night in front of your computer (cybering?) when you could be out with your perfect match, custom made and completely there for you, only you. Designed to meet your specifications for everything from hair colour to taste in movies. Like big hands on a guy? No problem. Like big hooters on a woman? You can help her lift those puppies around when her bra straps snap. Fill out the order form, pay for your purchase and decide when you want delivery. Simple as that.

Well, not quite. As we know there are no robodates. You can't have a date on command, built to perform and live up to all your expectations. We are stuck with each other, for now. But, think, what if there were robodates, men and women made to order?

No more worrying about sexual disease, no need to buy condoms either. You can sleep with your robotic date on the first date or never, however it suits you. But, there is no fear of catching any STDs, AIDS or herpes. Avoiding pregnancy is not a problem, unless you want it to be.

Think of the perfect date, then live it. No waiting for your date to show up. No wondering if he or she will like you, ditch you or pretend to laugh at your jokes. No need to agonize over pick up lines or dressing to impress. Your date will already be impressed. Just as if they had taken a love potion, you are exactly what they want, desire and look for. In short, they are already programmed to want to be with you. No matter what you think of yourself, your date will think you are the greatest thing since sliced bologna.

Of course, robodate is prepared for anything you want to do. If you want to go dancing robo date is a good dancer and can sing along to any song. Like to go camping, no problem. Robodate is athletically inclined and always in good shape. Long for a decent chess partner or someone to cuddle up with and be a couch potato? Not a problem for robodate. He or she will be content with your choice of activity or non activity. Robodate is a great companion.

None of your fetishes will gross out or annoy robodate. Ask for what you want. Whether you want a cuddly sex kitten, a fiery Domme, a total slut, a strong submissive man, a romantic poet or a sadistic Dom robodate can handle it, and you! Make your list and check it twice, robodate doesn't wear out, he or she only needs to be re-charged once a month. If you have no sexual use for robodate you can always enjoy a great full body massage or have him or her clean your car. Whatever you'd like.

Robodate will not forget your important dates such as anniversaries and birthdays. You can bring robodate home to meet your family where he or she will either shock or amaze them, as you choose.

Some may think a robodate would be too mechanical, too perfect or too impersonal. But that's not so. Robodates are programmed to mesh with your personality, your likes and dislikes but there is room for individuality, passions and independence. Just enough to keep them interesting and not sounding like some one with no mind of their own, some mindless drone.

After the date, however things turned out, robodate will be ready for a second date. However if you never choose to call that's fine too. Robodate will not become some crazy stalker or hang around desperately waiting for you, all clingy and needy. After a month your robotic date will simply be recycled back into the system, all the parts are reusable. Robotic dates are environmentally friendly and run on solar power.

What does a human have over an android? Read Scanny's column to see what he thinks.

Originally posted to Adult BackWash: Sunday July 25, 2004

How do I make her Dom me? I've heard men ask that in various BDSM forums. They ask the wrong question.

It's not about making her do something, it's about making yourself in the right place, at the right time. Let her Dom you, if you know what I mean.

First of all, if you want your woman of choice to Dom you, you need to change your attitude. She does things her way, in her own time and you don't get to make lists of instructions or items you want performed. You're not ordering fast food now. A Domme is not EVER there to serve you, unless you're paying for it.

The thing I most mislike about men looking for Dommes online is the attitude that we're unpaid sex workers. Get it straight dickhead. We are not for hire, we do things you may not always like, we may not do everything you want done and we choose what pace we want to play at.

Secondly, what I actually was thinking as I started writing this... if a man puts himself in the right place at the right time any woman can Domme with him. (Note "with him" because it is a twosome, a partnership) Even a shy grrl can watch you, touch you, tease and torment you while you just behave yourself and keep still and silent.

Imagine, you standing in the corner, facing the wall. You do not move, you do not speak. She fondles you, gives you the barest of touches, scratches you with her nails, ignores you, anything she chooses to do to you. While you remain submissive, accepting or enduring whatever she chooses to do with you. That is Domming. It does not have to be about how loud or bitchy she can be. It does not have to be about bringing pain. It does not have to be about sex so much as it's about sensuality and her having fun. If she isn't having fun you're doing something wrong.

Need other ideas? You hold onto the door frame and are not allowed to get your hands in her way while she runs ice cubes over your skin. For variation try soap and water, coloured markers, scotch tape, canola oil, pot scrubbers, feathers, rubber gloves, her pet fire ants, etc. She can add a new element to this by blindfolding you and letting each touch to your skin be a surprise.

You sleep across the foot of the bed or on the floor. You wear a bib at mealtimes. Ask for permission before leaving her presence. Offer yourself as a pillow or footrest. You get up first in the morning and have coffee and breakfast ready for her. Thousands of big and little things you can do, if she approves and is pleased.

If she's not especially interested in bothering with you become her servant for the evening or the whole day as her time permits. Serve her coffee, make meals, clean up, do laundry, read to her and whatever else she desires. Do it all nude or in her costume of preference. Don't forget to smile and say please, thank you and you're welcome.

Ask her if there is some element of being in charge that she likes or has an interest in. Then ask her if she would like to try that, with you. Offer to get any necessary supplies as she might not want to go to the adult novelty store. (That could change as she starts to enjoy herself and begins to feel like a Domme).

In each situation she has the options, she makes the decisions about the pacing, the methods or the lack thereof. The male sub speaks up if something is a problem: if he is allergic to something, if he has a phobia about wearing a gag, etc. Other than that he lets her Dom him. He quits trying to make her Dom him.

That boys, is how you get a woman to Dom you. Also, spend time making sure she knows you desire her. It makes a woman feel strong in the relationship if she knows you lust for her, find her sexy, etc. Don't forget to send flowers, open doors, give her poetry or pretty cards and all those other traditional ways for a man to pay court (submit) to his lady.

Originally posted to Adult BackWash: Monday July 19, 2004  

Is it just coincidence that I tend to think of ideas for this column while I'm in the shower?

During tonight's shower I came up with a theory of sorts, something to explain men's preoccupation with their cock size. Yes, one of the things that women have wondered about for ages. Now, I understand. It all makes sense once you consider their need to know numbers when it comes to a woman's body too.

How many times have you been asked for your measurements, your bust size, your weight, height and so on, right down to the length of your hair. Yet, have you ever heard of a woman asking a man for his measurements? Not me. Why is this?

I have a theory about that too. (It was a long, hot, steamy shower).

Men understand what those numbers mean in relation to a woman's body. Women on the other hand, have no idea. Not that we are ignorant, hardly! But, a man can be tall and weigh 200+ pounds and what does that really mean. Is he muscular or chubby? Men's weight gives no clue to their physical build. So what is the point of trying to figure out the numbers. None!

If you tell a man you prefer a 6. Does he assume you are talking about feet or inches? That was something else I thought about while soaping up my various curvy parts. I like a 6, a six footer. What do the inches matter, who sees those anyway?! No, much more impressive to have a 6 footer on your arm. Everyone can see a nice tall man. No one will ask him to open his pants and show his inches.

I think that works in reverse too. Men like women with big boobs cause they show. Other men can see those DD cups and drool over them, but not touch. Other men can penis envy him so he can strut around like a proud cock and it doesn't matter about his actual cock. Hope you are still on the same page here. By this time the mirror was pretty fogged up and I couldn't even see myself to think.

I think it's one of my best theories yet. But, who knows what will come up in tomorrow's shower.

Originally posted to Adult BackWash: Saturday July 10, 2004

A few weird facts picked up from the web. Made me laugh. I won't tell which ones made me laugh the most.

Actual amount of semen per ejaculation: 1-2 teaspoons

Average number of times a man will ejaculate in his lifetime: 7,200

Average # of times he will ejaculate from masturbation: 2,000

Average total amount of lifetime ejaculate: 14 gallons

Average amount of water it takes to fill a bathtub: 35 gallons

Average # of calories in a teaspoon of semen: 7

Average length of penis when not erect: 3.5 inches

Average length when erect: 5.1

Smallest natural penis recorded: 5/8 of an inch

Largest natural penis recorded: 11 inches

Largest penis in the animal kingdom: 11 feet (blue whale)

Most arousing time of day/season for a man: early morning/fall

Best ways to improve sexual function: quit smoking, start exercising, lose weight.

Foods that improve sex life: lean meat, oysters, seafood, whole grains, and wheat germ

Percent of men who say they masturbate: 60%

Percent of men who say they masturbate at least once a day: 54%

Percent of men who say they feel guilty masturbating that often: 41%

Amount of time needed for a man to regain erection: from 2 min to 2weeks

Average # of erections per day for a man: 11

Average # of erections during the night: 9

In general, the taste of a man's semen varies with his diet:

Some say that the alkaline-based foods (fish and some meats) produce a buttery or fishy taste.

Dairy products can create a foul taste.

The taste of semen after eating asparagus is said to be the foulest.

Acidic fruits and alcohol (except processed liquors) give it a pleasant and sugary taste.

Examples: mangos, oranges, kiwi, lemons, grapefruit, limes, Labatt Blue, Honey Brown

Odors that increase blood flow to the penis: lavender, licorice, chocolate, doughnuts, pumpkin pie. (Happy Thanksgiving!)