Originally posted to Adult BackWash: Sunday April 18, 2004  

What women want in bed...

Why do they think this is a great topic? Instead let's work on the real question... What DON'T women want in bed. That will take more work than the other version.

Why do you people read this column, really? I wonder that so often. I know people read it. I see the crusty fingerprints on my monitor. I wipe the fog of your breath off my screen. But, always I wonder what is the interest factor here. I'm so sexually bland. Nothing happens. Maybe that is it. You just wonder how anyone can get to such an advanced age and not be sexually active, at least a spark or two. Me too. If it wasn't for frequent self inflicted orgasms I would blow away, dust on the wind.

Another columnist over on the blue (we are the good guys) side is contemplating a column on the red side. Go for it! I don't remember why I started really. Pretty much gave into the temptation. Thought I had something to say. Wanted to see what would happen. Some combination of those. If you know the columnist I mean send him an email. Tell him to get over here, cum here, in effect.

Anyway, now that I'm, even more distracted... Did you know that I said the F word to Eric? It was in context at the time.

So anyway...

Did I mention how much I like Eric? Ok, stop gagging, Sarah!

After the divorce I thought I would never touch a guy's cock again. Let alone the whole kissing, sucking and licking thing. But, now I want it! Eric's in particular, well probably only Eric's really.

So, what don't women want in their bed? We don't want men who are unclean. Shower before you think about getting us to play with any of your parts. Make sure you are clean all over and under. Don't miss any spots. Got that? If not, get it, soon!

Originally posted at Adult BackWash: Sunday April 11, 2004  

One unusual thing that does make me kind of hot is... bug sex.

Yeah, I bet you're laughing now. But, really, bugs are very kinky creatures. Bugs have been kinky since before it was a fashion statement. Bugs don't even care if it's fashionable, socially acceptable or gets them off. Well, not in that way exactly. I mean to a bug getting off isn't about orgasm so much as it's about having a good meal.

Bugs get away with extreme kinkiness. They eat their lovers, it's pretty routine for them. They think nothing of a little boyfriend after a good screw. For those who think smoking after sex is bad... HAH! Try ripping off your lovers head and see who's really bad!

Plus, bugs wear all that kinky armour. You thought leather and rubber were tough, you haven't seen tough until you wear armour plating to bed. No wonder bugs have so many kinky positions. No one wants to poke an eye out and miss the main event.

Bugs have all kinds of sexual perversions. From where they lay those eggs to how long they can stay at 'it', bugs are pretty unique. Think about it... they may exist a short time but they pack a lot of sex into that time. Bugs really are the sluts of the animal world.

I was going to write about a woman who spreads peanut butter on her personal areas and gets her dog to lick it off. But, that is so tame compared to bug sex. Who would be impressed by a pussy licking dog compared to lovers who have sex for four days, then she eats him and uses a passing pedestrian to...

Oh well, you get the idea. Bug sex is hot!

Originally posted to Adult BackWash: Saturday April 03, 2004  

Women clean mess and men tend to make mess. There are exceptions. But, generally, women clean and men mess. Looking at links this morning, gathering porn for the masses, I started thinking about this whole mess issue.

Men talk about cum shots, cumming on her, and how it drips down her face, etc. My first reaction is ewww. In my mind I'm thinking about having that stuff on me. That mess. Then, how long do you have to wear that mess to make him happy? How will it feel when it's sliding along your skin, starting to feel more like cold muck and getting kind of crusty. Ewww. Messy! Icky!

I am willing to try this. You should try to try things before deciding you don't like them. But, I do have that whole ewww mess idea in my mind. Not that I'm a neat freak. It's just the idea of having mess on my skin. If it was just my shirt I could take that off and still be clean underneath.

Maybe for the men it's kind of marking their territory. That seems feasible since we know animals pee all over the place to mark their spots. Men are territorial. So maybe the cumming on their women is just proving that is their woman. Something like that.

I can see how for him it could be very erotic, even romantic in a way. Consider the whole swallowing issue. Do you? I haven't gone there yet. It won't be so new next time. It's a matter of deciding to do it. In a way it's kind of a shame women have the tidy gene to get over before doing any of this stuff. For him it could be a very personal thing, about trust and love. But for her it's about getting over that whole mess thing first.

Originally posted to Adult BackWash: Sunday March 28, 2004  

I've been going to use this title for ages and ages. But each time I start writing something erotic and fictional to go with it I end up pulling the plug somewhere along the way. It's a good title but nothing I have written lives up to it.

You were hoping I would say "until now..." But I'm not. No, still nothing fictional to come along after this introductory ramble. But, I do think of Eric as the Mad Scientist in the Bedroom. At least my bedroom.

It is really comfortable to have someone you can try out ideas with. He doesn't get shocked or look at me like I'm trashy or over sexed, etc. He likes my ideas. Of course, there is a down side to that. It is kind of fun being shocking. I liked to flash Todd knowing the street was right outside our big window. Now, how will I shock Eric? It will really take some extra devious thinking. I'm pretty sure I'm up to it. I won't offer any previews cause that Brat reads this side of BackWash first.

Our first night together was maybe the best. Which is funny considering how uptight I was to begin with. We went out for dinner, like a real date (I haven't done much of that) and then we came back to my place. Like a real different kind of date. Why is it that I always end up doing the very things other nice grrls don't do? My life is so odd. Not like me at all.

Anyway, we came back to my place. We talked a bit, it was kind of awkward for me at least. Mostly I was thinking "OK, now what do we do!". No TV cause there wasn't any comfortable place to sit with him. No place to sit at all really but for the beds in the bedrooms upstairs. That is just one of the problems of having your house renovated when you meet some mad scientist and bring him home with you.

We ended up talking in the bedroom upstairs. Looking out the window into the backyard and looking past that to the road crossing my street. Talking about him and his family and whatever else came along. I don't really remember. I was still in that "what do we do now" limbo. At some point I just decided that I wasn't going to stay in limbo. I said something and left the bedroom, with it's king sized bed and single pillow and single man. When I came back I was wearing the nightgown I had planned to wear for him that first night. It was long, silky and burgundy. Low cut in front. I shouldn't admit that I originally bought that one for my honeymoon.

I can't quite remember how things progressed from there. For me it was taking a mad leap, kind of daring and a turn on too. Eric was pleased. He said nice things about how soft I am. I liked the way he touched me. We stood together just holding each other. I wasn't quite ready for the full light treatment so he plugged in the bedside light after hunting for the plugs (renovations/ new house).

We ended up in the bed, after lots of time standing together. I liked it all. I liked being nibbled on. I liked being held and told how pretty I am. I think I said nice things too, I really don't remember now. The parts that stand out are the holding, the neck biting and later when I bawled and interrupted everything until I could shut off my water works. The eyeball kind, not the kitty kind. Now you're curious... It wasn't a big deal I just suddenly realized how empty things were before with the ex and how I never really was allowed to touch him. He used to like lying spoon fashion. When you lie that way he has access (if he wants it) but you can't really move your arms back there to do any touching of your own. It's an empty way to lie in bed with someone. Maybe at the end when you've touched all you want to.

Anyway, I'm still kind of the wallflower virgin. Yet to finish and completely have sex with anyone. Late to the party. It's really funny when you think that I don't have sex cause I might get pregnant. Yet, here I am, approaching 40, looking menopause in the gaping jaw and knowing I'd still like to have a child of my own. But, maybe when it's all over and I'm taking hormones so I won't grow too much facial hair I will finally get some, sex that is. Maybe by then I won't even care any more. I don't think my Mom is as interested as she used to be. That may squick some people but I've never been squicked by the thought of my parent's having sex. Knowing them as I do I just find it amazing that they have 4 kids.

No one knows how life will fall out. Did you know there is a computer game called Fall Out? I played it once long ago. I remember it as being chased by zombie things that can only move painfully slow yet somehow manage to catch up with you when you least expect it. Life is like that too. Full of unexpected things. Some are not great, like zombies and some are exceptionally wonderful, like a mad scientist in your bedroom.

Originally posted to Sex Kitten (2003 - 2004)

Do you handle your stress or does it handle you? I've found a way to do both, to my satisfaction.

Stress should be spelt with a few zeds, it's just that kind of word. Trendy geek types have been adding zeds to words like crackz, hackerz and warez. But, they missed strezz.

How do you handle strezz? Do you throw things, yell at people or take it out on other people in more random ways? My Dad handled strezz by abusing his family. I have tried not to be that way. Maybe I've tried too hard. I'm not aggressive enough. I don't really go after things as hard as I could cause I don't want to be pushy or step on toes.

How do I handle strezz? Sometimes I hit inanimate objects. When the trunk of my car slammed into my head the other day I retaliated by slamming my hand into it. Then I chose my next strezz handling option, crying. I cried all the way into the house. Then I started my next strezz handlation, denial. The next day I was over it but for a very sore head and bruises on my wrist. Denial works, sort of, it keeps everything from swallowing me up. If I really thought about everything I think I would just sink into some dark abyss and never been seen again.

My best strezz handlation (sure that's a word!) is orgasm. In bed at night, if I'm not so tired I fall asleep before I have an orgasm, that's where I beat strezz. None of the other options really work but strezz orgasms aren't always available. You can't have a strezz orgasm at work. I guess you could go into the public washroom but some part of my mind wonders about security cameras and those jerks who set up spy cameras to later sell upskirt and other (not illegal apparently) pictures on the Internet.

In the end the best time to relieve strezz for me is late at night. After I've dealt with email, family and work in general. It's quiet, dark, the bed is comfortable and I'm by myself. It's nice to be alone in the dark. No one making demands or expecting anything from me. Just me, my clit and my fingers. I don't need anything else but now and then I add a toy, filler literally. I don't know why it is that every now and then I just want something inside me. It doesn't give me a better orgasm or make me orgasm any sooner. It's just a needful thing, the odd time. Usually, I just stroke my clit. I know exactly how to do it, I have plenty of practice.

I started when I was a kid, not even a teenager. Back then I didn't know why I did it and I stopped long before having an orgasm. It was years before I let that happen, I had no idea what it was or if I wanted it to happen. Curiosity led me to it. During one of my fantasies I just kept going past the point I usually stopped at. Those orgasms weren't nearly as good as the ones I have now. They were ok.

These days my orgasms are long and drawn out. I think I could make it last forever, or until my fingers got too tired. I've found if I rub my clit very slowly right after the first barely there rush of the orgasm the thing just goes on forever, not finishing, just hanging in there till I remove my fingers. It's good. Then, strezz released along with other things, I go to sleep. Nights when I can't sleep I have an orgasm too. If I curl up and get comfortable right after it always works. As an added plus, on really cold nights an orgasm warms the bed up too.