I was thinking that men who talk about wanting a Domme may actually not know what they really want is a Top. A Top is someone who enjoys fetishes with a bottom but there isn't a formal relationship with the rules and respect and expectations of a FemDom. Instead they play, whatever fetish they choose and one is Top and the other is bottom.

When men say they want a Domme and then already have a set of expectations on what she should do, how she should do it and when, they seem to really want a Top. They have not added what she wants into the situation.

If they really did want a Domme they would have to make room for her wishes, wants and needs. They would have to accept that things are not going to go along in the way they expect them too. She might not want to spank them. She might not have any interest in humiliation or forced feminization or a lifestyle with D/s. So often men think a Domme is what they want her to be instead of who she is.

How much simpler it would be for them if they looked for a Top instead. They could make the plan for what each of them wants, what each of them has a limits of where they will not go and they can schedule each activity together. In that way both people are getting their needs met. Neither is trying to change the other or tell the other they aren't behaving correctly, as per spec.

It is time for men who think they want to be submissives to a Domme to realize they don't really want that at all. What they are doing is looking for something so they can change and bend it to what they want. They are Topping from the bottom.

Here's a new idea for some of you. It is not a bad thing for a male submissive to take care of his Domme, even to the point of stepping up and being the one who leads her to bed  when she is tired or not feeling well (as one example).

In the way I see it, a male submissive isn't just the guy sitting in the cage or tied to the bed, he is also the guy who cares for his woman. Isn't that at the heart of your submission? Don't you want to be the guy she desires too and looks forward being with rather than just one more thing on her to-do list.

Yes, you know about things like making her a coffee, rubbing her feet, you may have even heard of The Ladies Tea Society but beyond that have you ever considered taking care of her. Making sure she is warm and comfortable when you sit together in front of the TV in the evening. If she catches a cold or comes down with a fever a male submissive should be bringing her some Tylenol, maybe some gingerale and encouraging her to get to bed and sleep.

A male sub should remind her when they are running late. He should take the initiative and get the car started on a cold day. He should make note of groceries and other supplies they need to pick up. He should pick up the dry cleaning, take out the garbage, fold the laundry when he hears the clothes dryer finish up. When he is first home he should have dinner ready rather than spending that time waiting to be fed. Catch the creepy crawlers for her, open the jar of pickles when it's tight and stick up for her if someone is being less than kind.

When you are out in public be a little old fashioned and open doors for her. When eating out get anything she needs such as extra napkins, a coffee sleeve or ask the waitress to bring vinegar for her french fries. If you know she's tired (and you're ok) offer to do the driving. It isn't less submissive to take the wheel when you are choosing to take care of your woman, your Domme.

In a female led relationship I think it is important for the male to keep some of his power. Few real women want a man who has to be micromanaged and comes across as needy/ demanding all the time. I don't think any woman is going to want a guy who ignores all her needs except for the times he wants her to Dom him. If the relationship is female led then her real needs, wants and her time should be important.

I'm not saying it is a one way street. But, chances are she will be more interested in play time when she knows she has a partner who not only helps her but values her too. If she is stressed out with never ending chores and things to do she won't have the energy, interest or inspiration to play. Her time for play will not be something she can look forward to and relax and enjoy. Wouldn't you rather feel valued and desired too? It is a two way street after all.

I'm not a professional Domme and don't want to become one, though I admit the money is tempting. I am a freelance writer, I live in Ontario, Canada and I like finding new and creative, wicked ways to play with boys. Not children, just those little men who think they would like nothing better than to be tied up and at the mercy of a good woman. I am a good woman. Just ask my family and friends, they all say I am nice, some even go as far as sweet. It isn't my ambition to be the nice one. I'm okay with it. The world could use a bit more nice.

I'm also the one who writes about sex, an actual sex blogger and sex column writer in the recent past. My family didn't approve. I'm kind of surprised I told them. But, honesty just makes life less complicated in the long run and less complicated is a really nice thing.

If you ever heard of a site called BackWash (no longer online), you already know me. I wrote there for years. On the red (adult) side my column was Bait and Switch. I wrote fiction and non-fiction as new and wicked ideas occurred to me. I wrote a newsletter too. Right now I can't remember what I called it, but it was clever. I like clever things.

I'm not well experienced in BDSM. That nice girl thing again, I married the first man I had sex with. We were friends a long time and now we are divorced and living far apart and friendly because that's what nice girls do once they've picked themselves up again. I dated a bit since then but nothing has worked out. I've never been the sort of woman who can settle for a quick screw, I want more. As much as I like to explore and learn new things, I want to do all that with someone I can still wake up to the next day, the next week and for all the wrinkles to come.

I have liked BDSM for more years than I care to count. It started before I had boobs. I don't need to give a detailed list of my wicked ways here. I will be posting about my ideas, illustrations which I find or create myself and whatever is going on with my socializing/ fraternizing with boys. At this time I have been getting to know a man in Toronto. Email only, so far. But, he seems sincere, has a personality and can talk about things which have nothing to do with sex or BDSM.

Femdom Fetish Blog asked:

Finally, what would you say, in your opinion, would be the attributes of the perfect male subordinate? What would be the scenario of the best short term session and for the best long term relationship with a male sub? Would it be different with a female sub?

The perfect male submissive is an unreality. Things I look for in a man as a submissive are understanding that there is more to our relationship than D/s. I want conversation and someone to laugh with too. A warm body to share the bed or get out of it and back into his bondage if the mood to be wicked strikes me.

I don't like the term vanilla in the way people see it as BDSM and everything else is vanilla. Vanilla play is part of the whole for me. It is from the everyday that I get my best inspiration for enjoying him in his submission. For me the play is not some big production but an extension of sex, foreplay and passion. No one should have to rely on toys, tools or a certain wardrobe in order to Dominate. It's the tone of voice and the feelings behind it that matter more than something you buy at a store.

Domming is fun for me. A creative sport. Yes, it is also a turn on physically, mentally and emotionally but I like to laugh too. I like to have him in bondage twitching and squirming and see the humour in all of it. He does look funny. The penis itself is crude and funny looking. No wonder it makes such a good toy, such a good way to torment and tease him.

Being a Dominant is fun. When I stop having fun with it something is wrong. If I start to feel I'm just going through the motions to please him I know I have gotten off track. This basic fact gets missed in a lot of the literature, illustrations and talk about what female domination is. Instead most of the female domination shown online is about pleasing him, I seldom see what she gets out of it. That part is left out, or assumed.

If the Domme is in charge how can her pleasing be assumed? Men tend to assume a male Dom and female Dom will both be pleased just by the act of their submission. But, we are women, and there is more to us. There is more to pleasing us than pleasing you (the little man).

This is a real personal ad from Edmonton, Alberta.

You are a busy woman with a great life. You miss a man in your life, but don’t miss the ego they usually come with. This great looking physically fit man is looking for you. You make the rules and rule the nest. He willingly follows. Your dinner is ready after a long day, your bath is ready - you will be towelled off and then your lotion applied. The shopping is done and the house is clean. Your man cleans up real well and is an excellent outing sidekick. You walk hand in hand, always knowing who really wears the pants. All of your other ‘needs’ are met on cue. I am physically fit and active and you should be the same. Interested?

How could a woman not be interested in that? It’s like having your own butler, manservant or going back to the early days in a relationship where the man goes out of his way to be pleasing - courtship. Why do men stop courting and romancing their women? Do they forget? Do they get too busy? Do they lose interest?

Whatever the reason, I think women need to take back some of the power they give out in a relationship. Stop being the one trying to make things work and be the one who must be pleased instead. If he wants something from you let him deserve it rather than just expect it. Don’t let yourself be taken for granted when there are other options. Options which you can enjoy.

I think this is why women should try to have female led relationships (as they seem to be called these days rather than FemDom and sub or Domme and slave/ slut).

Sex is part of it. But not where it begins or ends. It should begin with what she wants. What she really wants, not what he wants from her. That is a very fine point which gets lost frequently. If the woman can stay focused on keeping the relationship about what she wants and not let his wants sneak in, things can stay on track. Yes, he can get what he wants too. It is not all one way, there can be a balance. But, all too often his needs and wants are put first. She becomes secondary and then the courtship is over. Again.

Keep the courtship alive. Men, let your women lead, stop telling her what you want. Instead find out what she wants. Do you really know or have you just been telling her what she should want?