I'm sure there must be more people like me out there, somewhere. Surely at least a couple of them are male. Why do I keep meeting people who want me to be someone else, or expect me to fit some mould/ stereotype? I don't want to. I like to do things my way, cause my way is good too. It's not the only way, I'm not completely vain or blind to other options. But, I'm pretty clever in my own way. The odd way.

I am tired of trying to become what people want or expect me to. Or, maybe worse, accepting people (men) and making excuses and rationalizations for how it can work out, how I'm just thinking too much or trying to find someone who can't really exist. As if I'M the one who is expecting too much. I try to wrap myself around their little finger. It's damn time I took a coffee break on that.

Surely, there is a guy, who doesn't live so far away as to require long distance relating, who could actually enjoy my company, as I am. The real me, dorky, nerdy, flawed, passionate, artsy, scared, stubborn, caring, unreasonable, impatient, eccentric, unorganized, sensual, quiet, independent, old fashioned, crafty and on and on. And on.

Why do I keep meeting odd guys who don't care about the things that matter to me. Guys who seem to have more problems than I do, guys who want me to come to rescue them, guys who don't care about good punctuation, guys who can't carry a conversation above sex, guys who lie about things that don't really matter, guys who think a woman's body is all that matters. Guys who honestly, really and truly bore me. Why do I keep thinking that is all the choice I have? Why do I sell myself short?

I'm tired of it. But, I just can't believe there really isn't at least one guy out there who is abnormal in enough ways to mesh with all my abnormal. No normal, please, that would be boring. There must be an intelligent, interesting, passionate, optimistic guy out there. One who doesn't need to put me down to make himself feel bigger or better. One who doesn't mind some chaos and doesn't think all the dishes have to be sorted by size and put away right away. One who likes to read and talk about ideas, the weather and other things of interest. Bedsport too but not as a focus, crowding out all else.

Anyway, here I am. Come and get me. I'll leave a trail of typos, chocolate wrappers and spilled coffee. If you have/ know the words you'll find the way.

Comment

agingyoungrebel (Writer from BackWash.com)

Sure, guys like that must exist, Laura. Don't give up hope.

1. WHAT COLOR ARE YOUR KITCHEN PLATES? I eat over the sink or out of measuring cups, microwaves dishes, etc.

2. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING NOW? The Secret Woman by Victoria Holt.

3. WHAT'S ON YOUR MOUSE PAD? Still the big smiley face my ex husband gave me.

4. WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE BOARD GAME? Scrabble

5. FAVORITE MAGAZINE? The Writer

6. FAVORITE SMELL? vanilla, chocolate, citrus, fresh paper.

7. LEAST FAVORITE SMELL? spoiled split pea soup or anything else that makes you gag while trying to clean it up.

8. WHAT'S THE FIRST THING YOU THINK OF WHEN YOU WAKE UP IN THE MORNING? Mmmmmm... nothing in particular for a couple of minutes. Just kind of a satisfied mmmmm kind of feeling. Then I remember I have to go to work, do housework, etc.

9.FAVORITE COLOR? deep, dark red.

10. LEAST FAVORITE COLOR? black

11. HOW MANY RINGS BEFORE YOU ANSWER THE PHONE? I check the messages now and then.

12. FUTURE CHILDS NAMES? Lots of choices, always changing.

13. WHAT IS MOST IMPORTANT IN LIFE? Me! Me! Always ME!!!! lol

14. CHOCOLATE OR VANILLA? Vanilla with lots of chocolate chunks and ribbons of gooey caramel.

5. DO YOU LIKE TO DRIVE FAST? I would love to but it's risky to pedestrians.

16. DO YOU SLEEP WITH A STUFFED ANIMAL? Not even when I was a kid.

17. STORMS-COOL OR SCARY? One of my favourite things. I like to walk outside in the middle of a storm.

18. WHAT TYPE WAS YOUR FIRST CAR? Ford Tempo.

19. IF YOU COULD MEET ONE PERSON DEAD OR ALIVE WHO WOULD IT BE? Me, in the future.

20. FAVORITE ALCOHOLIC DRINK? Irish coffee when I'm in the mood.

21. WHAT IS YOUR SIGN & BIRTHDAY? Sagittarius, December, year of the Dragon.

22. DO YOU EAT THE STEMS OF BROCCOLI? Yes.

23. IF YOU COULD HAVE ANY JOB WHAT WOULD IT BE? Obsessively notorius newspaper columnist.

24. IF YOU COULD HAVE ANY COLOR HAIR WHAT WOULD IT BE? I like my natural colour.

25. IS THE GLASS HALF FULL OR HALf EMPTY? What's it full of?

26. FAVORITE MOVIE? Pretty much which ever one my date pays for.

27. DO YOU TYPE WITH THE RIGHT FINGERS ON THE KEYS? Yes, I type as fast as I think.

28. WHAT'S UNDER YOUR BED? A dust bunny revolution. Have to keep kicking them back under there.

29. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE NUMBER? 3, 6, 4, 19, ....

31. WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST FEAR? Being ignored, I hate that, or maybe that's a pet peeve...

32. WHAT IS YOUR DREAM CAR? One that never needs repairs and never runs out of gas.

33. PERSON(S) MOST LIKELY TO RESPOND? I've been here before.

34. PERSON(S) YOU SENT THIS TO WHO IS LEAST LIKELY TO RESPOND? Ditto.

35. FAVORITE CD? Friends make them for me, I like all of those.

36. FAVORITE TV SHOW? Whatever I can sit through.

37. KETCHUP OR MUSTARD? Relish

38. HAMBURGERS OR HOT DOGS? Club sandwich.

39. FAVORITE SOFT DRINK? diet coke but coffee is better.

40. THE BEST PLACE YOU HAVE EVER BEEN? Where ever I am.

41 what is on your screen saver? I forget, tall ships I think.

42. BURGER KING OR MCDONALDS? Swiss Chalet.

43. FAVORITE PET: Human male.

I don't exactly miss him but I do feel sad that his life ended, his time ran out. But, I also feel a little angry that he let it happen. Not that he could have done much differently at the end, when it was already too late. But, he could have done something far earlier about his heart. You don't get 80% blockage over night. He also had diabetes yet still ate pretty much the same sugar and grease as always. He made his choices. He didn't get the doctors to really check his heart until he was having chest pains every day. Anyway, it doesn't really matter any more. You can whine about spilled milk but it won't put Humpty Dumpty back together.

It's strange to know he is dead but not feel it. Also, last night, I had creepy feelings that I would see him (as he looked in the hospital) in the hall at the house. Standing there looking dead. Silly, but that's what happens to you when you are alone in the house of renovations and have far too much imagination.

As far as I know the only one of us to get any memorable last words from him was my brother. Dad told him not to feel bad about all the lifting and such he had done. Maybe even Dad was able to look outside himself enough to see that Graham would be thinking about that, feeling guilty and wondering if he could have done things differently. Not that he could. Dad liked to be the martyr, poor me. He would tell other people all about how he had to do it all himself. Never mentioning that he never asked for help, let anyone know he was doing anything that he could use help with. He'd only announce that he needed help when he was done and then he would only tell us to blame us for not being there.

Anyway, no memorable last words for me. Unless you count the usual stuff about how useless I am, how ugly I am and how I will never do well. Ne'er do well. That could be engraved on my tombstone. It feels like my middle name by now. So, that stuff can't count as last words since it became pretty much standard, a given each time he was around me.

I used to wonder if there was some kind of final judgement. I think for each person who believes in each god and religion you do have the kind of final wind up that you are expecting. Not even cause it's real just cause you play it out for yourself. Maybe even before you are fully dead. Of course no one will ever prove that theory. Anyway, I used to wonder if for Dad's final judgement someone would show him how all his words affected his family. Me in particular of course, but not only me. I wondered if he would regret his words and his actions. I'd like to think that he would if he ever could finally understand how difficult he made things for each of us. How hard it was to be his daughter.

Not that I want to sound like a whiner or speak ill of the dead. But, he was my Dad, not yours. So you can't sit in judgement of me cause you don't know. I do seem to feel the need to please more than I would like. But, I find that when I break from that other people act like I am horribly nasty. It's as if nice people have to be door mats and let the world run over them. But I think you can be nice and not be stupid or a door mat either. Being nice is not the same as being simple or stupid.

It's now 4:07 AM. Not a lot of sleeping lately, one way or another. I'm at my sisters house tonight, sleeping on the couch with a view of the street. I like the view, the lights and the darkness. It's peaceful and relaxing at night when there is no traffic. Just the the birds, soon. They aren't even awake yet but they will be soon.

Zack accidentally bent the frames of my glasses, twice yesterday evening. So aggravating to feel like I'm looking out of fishbowl now. I hope to find some place open to fix them today. But, it's a holiday here so likely I will have to stick with them as is till Tuesday. I hear young Zack up now. Too early but he is a kid. I used to be an extra early riser too. I guess I still am but now I'm old enough to put myself back to bed.

Comments

elementalmuse

Sorrow and loss always leaves me speechless. I want to give you a hug and tell you I care.

anonymous - Small Nagging Voice

I can hear the pain, hurt and anger in your recent posts. "So you can't sit in judgment of me cause you don't know."

I don't think your response is inappropriate from what I have heard. It is inappropriate for your extended family to interfere with your unique grieving process. You ARE grieving the loss of your father. It is just different for you. He left you when you lost respect for him, long before his attack. He died slowly with every nasty comment. The sadness for you is that he didn't come back to you before he died. He now has no ability to be the dad you wanted desperately for him to be.

Sadly, you carry a small version of his voice in the back of your head and it is likely that every time you falter in something, you will hear this nasty voice.

With faith and hope, this voice will slowly fade.

Tim R, author of The PBGs Path ( http://pbgs.blogspot.com email: Terminalman90{at}gmail{dot}com)

me

That was really insightful. I have been thinking of that over and over these past days. Told my Mom about it too. I'm so glad you posted. Let me stop feeling bad for not feeling what I thought was 'right'. I went to his memorial service and heard people who knew him through the Lions club, business, golf buddies, etc talk about what a great guy he was. Someone called him a teddy bear. Another said how he never got angry and was always fair, listened, etc. He was never those things with or for me. But I don't feel angry anymore. Just kind of sad that he missed out on being a better part of my life and me with him. His choice as he was the adult when I was just a kid. Later it was just too late, too much water under that bridge and he just never seemed to want anything different. My Mom said there were times when he regretted how things were and he tried to talk to me. But I expect they were too few and far between. How can any daughter know that was a day he wanted to change when it seemed just like any of the other days before and after. I think people have to know what they want to change before they can hope for any success at it. I don't think he knew. He always made me feel I was the one at fault, never good enough. If we didn't get along I was too sensitive. If he was mad it was somehow my fault, etc. You can't break a pattern you've put so much time into building in just one minute here and there.

It's Friday and I have the day off. Plus I have money! What a great day this is shaping up to be. It's even sunny out and most of the ice storm is melted or melting. Even our driveway is showing through again. Too bad the path up to the front door is on the sheltered side, it's still snowbound. But they say Monday will be up to 20 degrees C. That will finish all the ice/ snow.

It was kind of neat though. How often is the snow so hard and icy that you can stand on it and not have your feet sink, not even one quarter of an inch. (Using imperial measurements for the Americans).

So, what are the plans for the day? No plans! Those are the best plans. I might go to Chapters, I might go out for lunch to the Swiss Chalet or I might just drive until I stop somewhere and see what I end up with. I might even get lost and find something new. Anyway, I know there is a Tim Hortons donut shop where I can get a coffee to start the day. Its along Woodbine but north of Newmarket. So once I shut down the computer and fill up the gas tank I'm off for adventure of the road touring kind. I could even stay over night somewhere, I have Saturday off too. But, it's a bit too much money for hotels. If only I could win the lottery!

There were some things I could have gone to but they are all in the downtown zone. Even if I could navigate the parking I'd still have to get all the way down there. People have started driving like speed idiots again now that the weather is warming up. So, I am happy to stick with north of the city. Besides, there is more to see and always a possible old house to explore. Not guaranteeing I'll be brave enough to go in but at least I'll see it. I can even take pictures from the road at the very least.

Well, enough typing. Time for action. Have a great day whatever you are doing.

I had a great day yesterday.

The Tim Hortons I remembered from the last time I was lost but it was a LOT farther than I thought. I drove almost up to the lake. It was actually in Keswick. I stopped in Canadian Tire cause that was right there too. I bought some practical rust inhibitor for my car and the pretty impractical sewing machine. It's pretty small but it was $40 compared to the $400 one that someone stole when I moved back here.

After all that driving I never did go to that Tim Hortons. They had it cut off in the parking lot so you had to go back on the highway and then spin around really fast to get into their driveway. Instead I had lunch at the Swiss Chalet across the street. Nice lunch at just the time before the lunch crowd started. Very peaceful and I enjoyed sitting in the sunny window.

On the way back I took a detour or two just to see where they went. I considered going home as I got back that way but instead I drove right past the house and went to Uxbridge for groceries and a Tim Hortons coffee there.

Other than the groceries which I needed anyway and the sewing machine the whole trip cost just over $20, including gas. Pretty nice day and I had the radio cranked up the whole ride. Windows down too cause it was beautiful outside after all our snow and ice.