Today (November 27th) would be my Dad's birthday. I think he would be 77 years old. He isn't here any more however. He died several years ago. We never got along well, he was not my best supporter in life or anything else. His theme in life seemed to be "Don't bother" and those were, in fact, his last words in this life.

There are not a lot of second chances in life. In his case, there are none at all. I don't know if he ever regretted how things were/ are in the family with him. I wonder sometimes if people do see how their families live on after they have died. I think of him watching the fallout from his actions in life. I like to think of someone telling him that he could have been a better Father, a better person. (Not that he was awful or that I blame him for everything I'm not happy about myself and my life, that would be silly). But, I do like to think that he would have some regrets. I won't ever know of course. Or, not while I'm still alive anyway, after that... maybe I will see him again when we are both deceased. That isn't something I can predict.

Write about meeting someone who disappointed or hurt you after you are both deceased. How does the meeting go, how does it start? When it is all over do you feel better or worse?

From Bev on Facebook: 12 Things (You Shouldn't Really Tell People About Yourself).

1. What is your most obsessive thought? So hard to pick just one. Seriously. I guess it would be the feeling of being oppressed and trapped by people and circumstances. I've often thought my life would be so much simpler if I could have a lobotomy and then just go along and do what everyone wants me to do without feeling I want to do anything my own way or have something of myself ever again.

2. Where is your favorite place in the world, and why? Right where I am at this moment. Anything else is either a memory or hasn't happened yet. I like to think of places I have been sometimes, wonderful things I have seen but my favourite place in the world is always right here and right now. From this moment in space and time everything is ahead of me and here I am right in the middle of the past and the future, in this moment, living it.

3. What's the one thing your parents don't understand about you? I'm not as stupid as they think I am and yet I'm actually stupider in a way.

4. If you could relive a single day or moment, what would it be? None, nothing. I don't want to go back for anything. Though I would like eternal life so I don't have to stop and leave the ride.

5. Under what circumstances have you been closest to death? Three different times in my life when I came really close to suicide and madness. Once as a teenager, another time during my divorce and another time when things were very desperate and I was very trapped and alone.

6. What is the worst betrayal you have ever experienced? I don't know. I just don't hang on to those things. There are people I wouldn't touch with a ten foot pole but I don't remember why, just that they've burned every bridge and won't be getting any leeway from me.

7. What is the most meaningful "I love you" someone has said to you, or that you have said to someone else? I don't say it and when I do it is hard to push the words out. I can tell my nephew I love him cause I've been saying it since he was a little boy. I couldn't tell my Dad I love you before he died and I'm not sure if I really even regret that. Either way it's done. I don't think I really believe it any more when someone says it to me. The words just don't seem to mean anything to people and they mean too much to me. But, in family it is there and has been tested enough over time that the words don't really need to be spoken. I know we love each other even if we hate each other for a short while.

8. What was the single most terrifying moment of your life? Going through a divorce, very alone and being trapped by circumstances. Having a day when I realized how thin and flimsy it was to go from sane to madness and knowing I was there but for the leap. It was terrifying to know I could lose myself, the only thing I really ever had to count on.

9. If you have experienced a moment of sudden faith or loss of faith, what prompted it? Having your best friend, husband and the man who said he loves you turn around and start mentally abusing you is a pretty nasty moment of having your faith crushed.

10. If you could take back one thing you have done, what would it be? I'd take back eating all these Valentines chocolates I bought on sale today.

11. What is your greatest talent or accomplishment? Art whether its photos, crochet embroidery, sewing, ASCII art, drawing, writing or anything else I have tried, I am who I am because creating makes me feel I'm more than just who I am. I feel I have accomplished something, talent or no.

12. What is the most joyful moment you have experienced? Thinking I was really in love and loved in return. I saw the whole world in brighter colours and everything looked so much better for awhile. I finally understood what romance and love were about.

Tomorrow the birthday hits the fan though. Has anyone ever wanted to be 44? It just sounds old. Repetitive too. 42 wasn't so bad. For a year I was the answer to life, the universe and everything. 44 is just a waste of space. Like a stutter. Not that I'm willing to skip it and rush into 45 though. Now that I think about it... 44 isn't all bad.

It's been quite awhile since I really wrote anything. Laziness? Possibly. I do think of things to write. Then something else distracts me. For instance, I am still working on a post for Thursday Thirteen. Kind of sad that is it now Saturday in some places in the world, 11:48 PM here. I'm trying to work on an article about rural exploration, which I actually wrote last year, wrote again a few months ago and have spinning around in my head again this week. I'd be so proud to see not only my article but my photos appear in one of our nationally well known Canadian publications, Canadian Living or Chatelaine. It's a lofty goal perhaps.

I went out on a couple of dates and didn't mention a thing about him. The first date was nice and I had hope for good things to come. I was wrong. He is ok but did not really show an interest in getting to know me. I asked about himself and he really only talked about a few special interests and did not answer about little things (not so little to me) that I wanted to know. Then we had a second date where he had to end it early for work, which was fine as he works on call. But then there was nothing except an email invite for kinky play.

I really want a relationship where I don't feel I'm alone, again. What is the point if you don't have someone you can talk to and know he is listening and actually cares about what you say? Maybe I will just never find anyone at this late stage in the dating game. All of the men I have tried to meet seem to end up in the same boat. None of them want to get to know me. I really want a guy I can spend time with, out of a bedroom. Don't men want that too? Sure I like sex and in past relationships (all two of them) I have lead in that area. But, I want more! I want romance! I want to be courted and have flowers brought when I get picked up. Yes, Eric did that once and that was lovely. But... it ended with me alone, abandoned without explanation. I had to tell him I was giving up on him and then he said something about why he had given up on me.

Anyway, relationships and dating posts are boring. Really. Aren't they all about the same? Do you really expect to find some great long lasting insight among all this space sucking babble? Good luck! I don't have anything figured out. When my life is perfect I'll get back to you with all those omniscient answers.

Tomorrow we are off early (early for me) to Elmvale. The town is a giant street/ garage sale. We are on the hunt for a summer bike for Zack, the 12 year old giant nephew. The boy is taller than I am now. Not right to call him a boy but he still has that boyishness and since he won't ever be in my age generation without the use of a time machine... he is stuck being the boy for awhile more at least.

Of course, I'd like to find another abandoned farm house during the trip.

Sadly, I am pretty much unemployed and having to watch my dollars. I found a $20 I had forgotten in my wallet yesterday so that was kind of sweet.

I do not want to get another job. I am sick of working. I just want to sit here and blog, write, watch brain killing TV (soap opera afternoons) and take road trips. Well, a few other things too but that's about it. I'm sick of customer service type junk. I'm so tired of obeying rules. How did old fashioned women stand taking the marriage vows knowing they were owned and had no rights. Even their children did not belong to them. I think it is strange that women went from primitive (though I think primitive is in doubt if they were bright enough to have a Matriarch) matriarchal societies to being servants in their own homes. How did we allow men to have the upper hand like that?

Doesn't it seem that women really do have a lot of power, in life. In the space of approximately nice months we cart around a new life. In that time we can decide to keep that life or let it go. Drastic yes. But, in some cases a woman should think of her own self preservation and that of the child to be born into the same world she lives in.

Although, I really don't think things between men and women should be about power. Or who is greater, etc. We need each other. In cases where men and women understand that I think the relationship can really flourish. So, here we are back to that dating thing again. Ick!

I should be shutting the computer down. It's been making more noise than it should be. I keep wondering what it is that is running against my wishes or directions. Windows has really evolved into a little monster. You never really know what the MS creature inside your computer is doing. Likely eating sections of my hard drive on a whim.

It is getting hotter tonight. I thought it was decent all day. Warm and muggy outside but I hid in here under the fan all day and it just seemed breezy to me. Now it is after midnight and it seems the heat has leaked into my sanctuary. I'm anti summer when it comes to heat and humidity. I'd rather have a snowstorm, a blizzard would be just peachy too. The only redeeming feature of summer is the greenery and edibles, peaches come to mind right away. I was thinking of peach pie yesterday. Nothing like peach pie made at home.

Well, this should be enough babble for anyone to read. Likely you are all drooling over your keyboards or shaking your head in an effort to keep your eyes from closing. Wake up and get a fresh coffee or get to bed. Nightie night blogging people.

Setting up Mom's computer to be on the wireless home network. Have to find a way to make the hardware/ software compatible with Windows Vista. The guy at Future Shop said it would be fine. But, seems I returned this same hardware to WalMart cause it didn't work. Yet it cost double the price at Future Shop. So, even if it does work I may return it and go back to save $50 by shopping WalMart. Kind of sick that they would have such a huge price mark up at Future Shop. But, will make sure it actually does work first. Haven't even told my Mom about that side of things yet.

Also, woke up this morning still thinking about a guy at the grocery store last night. Funny thing is that I never even looked at him. Just noticed his hand reaching down to put the divider thing on the conveyor belt. Said thanks. Then noticed him turning my cereal box so he could read it (I assume). After he was gone my Mom (we had a shopping day together yesterday) said he was really good looking. I hadn't even looked. But, I've been thinking about that little bit of time over and over. It will make a good story, when I get writing it.

It also made me think about writing something about romance. My sister has been on my mind too. Not the one with kids but the whiskey drinking, soccer playing, single redhead. She doesn't seem to notice guys that like her. Seems to think it is just a co-incidence that a friend calls her on Valentines Day. Duh! Some people seem to be Romantically Challenged. I thought that would be a good name for the column/ blog/ whatever. But, it couldn't be a daily. I don't have that many romantic thoughts rattling around in my brain. Weekly could be do-able. I took over a romantic topic for a very short time on Suite101.com once. Before things went kind of silly there and I gave up on the network.

Off to find software updates...