Today I'm going to look for more templates and see if I can do more with my front page, of the blog. It's fun but since I know so little about coding I don't want to mess things up and not have a clue how to put them back.

Anyway, this morning Todd and I went out for breakfast, just a drive thru thing but I like that. McDonalds sausage and egg is my favourite. Even their coffee has been getting better. I don't go often, not even once a month. We ate in the park which was nice. Things are easier between us now. Makes me almost doubt myself but I don't want to go back. I still remember the 4 months he stopped talking to me and things he said that really knocked me around at the time.

We went driving around to yard sales this morning, after the park breakfast. I didn't want to buy anything since I'm moving and at this point it's all just more stuff. But, at a church sale they were selling everything for a dollar. They handed out grocery bags and you could fill them for a dollar. I put in as many pairs of jeans as I could, Todd added a book he wanted and we got it all for a dollar. I will use the jeans for making things. Ideally a new denim knapsack or purse thing and some kind of denim quilt would be very lovely too. I could embroider it and then make it all patchworked together. I think that would be ideal. I wouldn't really need a pattern since it would be in the crazy quilt style.

Anyway, I've agreed to take part in an auction later today. It's for an IRC channel I have been visiting for a long time, on and off. It's not a nice girl thing but it will be something different. Sometimes I have serious doubts about the whole nice girl/ BDSM girl thing. It seems so over the top for who I think I am. Yet, I do like the ideas behind it. Not all of it, just like with Wicca, I have my own version of it that works for me. In BDSM I think its more about seduction than anything else. I'm not into even the idea of pain, not even so much as spanking. So, we will see how the auction goes. I devoted a column to it on the Adult BackWash column I write: Bait & Switch.

A guy I had known on IRC for a long time was a real jerk last night. I guess I had forgotten that I was on IRC. Never really expect much from IRC people and don't trust anything male there. That should be the number one rule. I'm not bitter about it, angry I guess, but not bitter. I wondered if I would still go to the auction but decided I would because I had said I would. Maybe I will get in the spirit of things and still have a few laughs.

Anyway, the husband is about to get into the shower and go to his company picnic with his Mother. I could have gone but it's a hot day and I'm not really that impressed with all the ladies he works with. They all seem to think I am the evil bitch now that we are getting divorced.

Likely someone has written revised lyrics for that "I'm getting married in the morning" song. I thought about it but I have too much to do and my mind doesn't settle on one thing for very long these days.

Anyway, today is the day. In a few minutes I am expecting my husband, Todd, to honk the car horn from downstairs and then we are going to the local court house here in southern Illinois to sign divorce papers and make everything all legal and official and dry as burnt toast.

Thus ends a big chunk of my life. A lot of child bearing years flushed away with nothing much to show for them. I'm bitter, I'm depressed, I'm angry and I'm afraid I will never trust anyone of the male species again. It's sad that I still want to. Still want to find someone to trust, to love, to admire, to laugh and cry with over the good and bad things in life. I want very much to build a happy life with someone. But, I'm 37 now. Maybe too old for having kids. Could I keep up with them, could I be patient enough and could they be born healthy now so late in my child bearing life? So many questions and never any answers but to keep turning the page and see what the next day will bring.

I better finish getting ready. I'm sitting here dripping from the shower, just wanted to have a before the divorce entry in my new blog. :) I still have a lot to do in setting it all up. But at least I changed the template to one with a better font. The colours need work but I can do that tonight, after the divorce.

It's been awhile since I updated this page. There's not going to be any happy ending to the story for those that like to read 'Once upon a time' type things. Todd decided he wants a divorce and since you can't really have a marriage by yourself I agreed.

Anyway, as far as I know we have heard nothing from the INS about our final (greencard) interview. I'm not staying in the US, I want to go home. I need to start my life all over again, move all over again and figure out a lot of personal stuff. My family are angry about the whole situation. Sometimes I'm angry, most of the time I guess I'm just depressed, sort of empty and drained.

Good luck to the other Canadians going through this. I was going to just take my page down but it might be good for everyone to know it's not a fairy tale at the end of the rainbow. You might just step into a pile of something you need to scrape off your shoe.

The Writer

Writing and publishing online and still putting in time on my regularly scheduled life.

I was born in the Year of the Dragon, more than a few years ago. 2000 was another year of the Dragon, in December I married Todd, moved to the US and became an expatriate. I work as a freelance writer online and in print. My favourite colour is deep, dark red. When I'm having a bad day going outdoors always makes me feel better. I'm reading the same book I started 6 months ago: Sarum by Edward Rutherfurd. I'm not especially musically inclined, I can turn on the radio and be happy leaving it in the background.

"One who says it can not be done, should not interrupt one doing it." Chinese proverb.

posted by Laura T. at 10/3/2001 07:55:48 AM

Found some ornament making projects on a felt makers site. I really like to make Christmas ornaments. posted by Laura T. at 10/3/2001 07:57:47 AM

I'm still here in Ontario, Canada. Or back here. I went to Montreal for the MosaicCulture plant sculpture show. We also saw the botanical gardens. My favourites were the Canadian exhibits, although the Chinese dragons were great to see. I took pictures, as many as I could with the disposable camera. Its such a shame I forgot mine back in Illinois. posted by Laura T. at 9/8/2001 03:41:29 PM

The Ex was good. Not as great as when I was a kid going down there with my brother and sisters. So much is commercial now and very little free stuff for kids or adults. I bought some things for the husband back in Illinois. Its his money so he should get something from it. :) I bought a couple of small things for myself and a lovely angel/ fairy for the Christmas tree. posted by Laura T. at 8/24/2001 02:20:12 PM

Its been awhile since I last wrote. I'm typing from my parent's home in Toronto, Canada now. I'm here to get the dead zone computer fixed. IBM is still finding ways to do nothing.

Anyway, tonight I read a quote I liked from Evhead's blog "To be an artist is a personality/ attitude/ spirit - not an occupation." Evhead.

I'm writing for BackWash now, 2 or 3 journal entries a week so far. I'm going to start a second one for BackWash Kids.

The ASCII Art column for WZ.com isn't going anywhere soon. They seem to be too busy to approve new entries. Todd has been waiting a long time for his to get off the ground. I write to the editor and get things done but its a very slow process. Makes the prospects slim for promoting it. How can you go wild promoting something that isn't there yet.

Just the opposite of HerPlanet where its only because of me that the site isn't already up and active. I'm looking forward to having that one (HerCorner) going. There is so much I can do with it and so many web writers I can help get the confidence to start.

Anyway, I think this will be it for now. I want to get to sleep for all that walking at The Ex tomorrow. posted by Laura T. at 8/22/2001 10:22:21 PM

Found a weblog I like today, Poundy. She even lives somewhere in the midwest. I'm sticking the URL here so I won't forget where I found the site. Doesn't look like anyone is actually reading this blog. It doesn't matter a lot. But it would be nice to have my moment of fame. lol

Talked to my Mom this morning. Graham, my brother, is on his way down here from Toronto. He is going to stay awhile, be here for Todd's birthday this weekend and then I will go back with him and get my money back for the dead computer. I think that is the best way to do things, still not sure entirely. But if I get the money back there will hopefully be enough to buy another new computer here on the US side of the border this time. I went to look at a couple of sites. Gateway seems the best way to go, too bad the closest store is about a hundred miles away in St Louis. Maybe Todd would consider making a trip of it. Though it might mean waiting as long as my birthday, Christmas and wedding anniversary in December. Still, if I can access the net and my HerPlanet site using Todd's computer that won't be too bad. Of course its a pain not having my own computer. I fee like an online transient.Suite 101 is having a really great event now. I think they could have done better in picking links but that they did it at all is pretty impressive. Oddly enough, its the same idea I had for a column. Full-Figured Women: Healthy Mind & Body. posted by Laura T. at 8/2/2001 12:32:21 PM

The Coffee Ring is a blog from a Canadian woman planning her wedding. Nice to read about someone else going through all that, especially when its not me!!

Another site I've ben keeping an eye on is BackWash, the internet organized by personality. I'd enjoy doing a column there but I just don't think I can handle the time commitment. You have to write a fairly good sized article and then add links (not related to your column or each other). That's quite a chunk of time for something you don't get paid for. I don't begrudge them not paying I just think I should put that kind of time into something that pays or has prospects of paying. posted by Laura T. at 8/2/2001 01:00:25 PM

SheBazzle: Julie's Motherhood Journal. This is a good blog, anyone with a scanner or digital camera does have an edge in blogging. Todd hinted that he is getting me a scanner for my birthday/ Christmas. I'll have to get all those pictures developed finally! I'd love to have a scanner. posted by Laura T. at 8/2/2001 01:08:43 PM

I like the name Darla for a girl. Maybe its too girly but I still like it. I hope Todd and I have at least one kid. Two or three would be a lot better, at least two anyway. I don't think Todd wants to, he certainly isn't co-operating sperm wise. I don't know what my life will be like if I never have a kid. It just seems to be the meaning of life, something I can contribute to my ancestors and life, the future and everything. Its important to me personally, I want to raise a child, a person. I want to pass on my thoughts, genes and good and bad times. I want to be part of the world and show another new person all that the world is. There is so much amazing stuff in the world. Not everyone can see it, sometimes they forget to look or forget how to look. posted by Laura T. at 8/2/2001 01:14:28 PM

I'm having a creative day. I made two new ASCII pictures and wrote book reviews for HerCorner. Still waiting for the ezine to be approved for the WZard site. The URL has my byline up already. The editor is just busy with a lot of other new WZards/ writers. Looking forward to seeing my site up and functioning.

The Zeal directory is a mess. I can't see myself putting in any more time there. Its not listed by topics but by country. Which just makes no sense and is bordering on annoying since everything is listed under United States really. Just a little too US centric for this Canadian. posted by Laura T. at 7/27/2001 04:31:55 PM

My computer died on June 27th. I just realized its been a month to the day. We finally found out that its the motherboard that needs to be replaced. I will have to take the computer back home with me when I go to Toronto for Sarah's wedding. It will be great to have my computer back and working again. I miss all my files! Its been terrific of Todd to let me use his computer for checking email and the odd bit of stuff I can still do without my hard drive and its contents. Sarah came up with the idea of transplanting my hard drive into Todd's computer but I can see that Todd is reluctant to allow this brain surgery. So it looks like I will have to hope my hard drive survives another trip back and forth to Toronto. Its about 17 hours on the bus, with a 4-5 hour wait in Chicago. Not a lot of fun. Also, for going there I will need to go to the INS building and get the advanced parole. I will be so glad when I'm finally free, or at least a bit free. The only time anyone is really free is when they are a baby. At the time don't really know it and would likely laugh at anyone who said it. They likely wouldn't consider themselves free, can't do anything they see everyone doing. Must be boring being a baby. Time to get ready to go out tonight. I'm really hungry, skipped lunch. We planned to go to the Chinese buffet tonight so I won't be hungry for long. :) posted by Laura T. at 7/27/2001 04:56:18 PM

Still no computer for me. Todd doesn't want to put my hard drive into his computer. He hasn't said that but he hasn't done anything about doing it. I would do it but its his computer and if he doesn't want to do it, that's up to him. Sarah put up pictures from her birthday BBQ, online. Great to see everyone, wish I was there. posted by Laura T. at 7/20/2001 08:22:26 AM

Here is something I wrote last night. Todd and I had a bad night. Not that he knows about it. I feel like I'm in too deep and the little light at the end of the tunnel is just my imagination. If I try to get to it, it just won't be there. I can't feel motivated. I used to think it was because I was afraid of putting a foot wrong. But now I think its more than that. I think I'd rather do nothing than try anything. Its easier to put nothing, to invest as small a part of myself, my knowledge, talents, personality, etc into whatever the end result will be. Knowing its far more likely that I will hear I've done something the wrong way, not enough, etc. posted by Laura T. at 7/20/2001 08:29:59 AM

I wish I could find my old backscratcher. My shoulder blades are almost always itchy. I've read that itchy skin is caused by dead skin cells needing to be scraped off. I'm not sure that's right. Why am I always itchy in the same spots then and not in others. Just another of those little things. I'm about to go make coffee and get dressed. Hopefully I will hear from someone with good news about my computer. The only thing we've made progress with is to find out that its the motherboard that needs to be replaced. posted by Laura T. at 7/20/2001 08:33:19 AM

Today is the big day at Zeal. They launch the new site, merged with LookSmart. Once I have my coffee on the go I'm going to have a look and see if my login still works. posted by Laura T. at 7/20/2001 08:35:14 AM

Thank you Wayback Machine. I found one saved link from an old site I had at Tripod. Worked a couple of hours to find old Blogger sites but, no luck so far.

Well, I found one but not the one I was hoping for. Likely written soon after this site, 2001 some time. Blogger makes it pretty easy to find an old account but, you still need to have the email you were using at the time. They send a verification code to you there. But, my old email addresses are as old/ older than the site I hope to find. I tried to recover them but two of them are ISPs not in business for about 10 years. The other was at Excite.com, now Lycos and I could not find anything about recovering old accounts. Likely they are not kept that long. Google/ Blogger seems to be the only social network which does care about history. I won't forget that Google took up the old newsgroups and still has them saved from the very early days of the Internet.

I may repost these old posts in order by date. Nice to see them pop up in the right place and remember how long I've been doing this.