For the second time in recent history I have poured cold water through the coffee grounds, thinking I had boiled it. But, I forgot to turn on the electric kettle and just assumed it was boiled after sufficient time and poured it through, only to watch the coffee come through looking like weak dishwater (or tea). I decided not to throw the grounds away, just hope it will still taste like coffee.

Ready to Move?

Looking around here I still have things to do. Always seems more to do than I at first thought. I forgot there are some Rubbermaid type containers under the bed. I think I had them almost empty at one point but I don't remember for sure now. Todd is still sleeping so I will have to wait to pull them out later. Behind my chair right now is a green box full of stuff too. I forget what is in there, more paperness I know, but not what kind. Hopefully more that I can toss rather than keep. The pile of kept stuff is getting bigger than the throw away. Though its hard to be sure since the throw away is being tossed out at least once a day so its not stockpiled somewhere to be compared.

I can smell the coffee, brewed and ready for consumption. Funny how that was a deadly disease not so long ago.

Hopefully today is the day my Mom will arrive with the truck. It could be tomorrow though. I will be so glad to have the truck packed up and ready to go. I'm so ready to go, to get on the road and be away.

I've got everything ready really. Just a few odds and ends to finish up and I need to pack an overnight bag for along the road.

I'm still thinking about that scanner I saw at WalMart. It looks like its not available in Canada. But, it would be a bit bad to buy it now when there are so many other things more important which I need to spend money on. Yet, I would love to have a scanner for my websites. I could even scan in a nice looking picture of myself for the HerPlanet managers pages. All I have now is a horrible looking Immigration picture we took for all that paperwork. By the time we took that picture (one of twenty in the process) I had long ago stopped smiling.

Anyway, Todd is still in bed and I guess we will see what the day will bring. I'm going to make myself some coffee (still have coffee cream and ground beans, enough for another pot or two). It's a nice kind of coffee too, French Vanilla Creme.

Being a woman means never having your own name - never really claiming an identity and always being a transient among people with IDs.

At the divorce hearing (is that what they call it?) the judge asked a couple of times about my last name, if I'm changing back to my maiden name. I didn't put a lot of thought into the whole name thing this time. I thought more about it before the marriage.

There was a time when I had decided I would keep my family name when I married. When I told Todd this, before we were married he was surprised that I would even suggest such a thing. He wouldn't even consider that I wouldn't take his name. I don't know why I took his name when we got married. Maybe the simple answer is that I just caved. I remembered all the times my sisters and I talked about having a better name than Brown. Better sounding, more interesting, etc. But, by the time I wasn't a kid any more I appreciated Brown, it's easy to spell all those times I have to give my name for something or other. It's plain but natural too. So, if it wasn't dramatic, it was at least dependable.

Here I am, at another name crossroads. I chose to keep Tripp. I don't feel I can go back to being Brown again. I'm not that same person, the girl I was. Neither name feels like it belongs to me, neither feels a part of me. When I think about the name thing I feel like I have no identity, no name, no home. That's why I wrote that quote above a few weeks ago.

At least I still have my first name, they can't take that away from me.

Trying to Get Through More Paper Stuff

Maybe I will be leaving this week still. I hope so. I have mostly everything packed, some I'm waiting to pack until I know I will be leaving. Some I'm trying to sort through and get rid of more of it. So much is just clutter. Maybe I will make use of it in my writing and maybe I never will. How can you tell and how can you through something good away. I'm trying. I wish I could live more nomadically, just a box of a few things and a pack on my back to move with me. How idea that sounds. Instead I have all kinds of stuff and each time I think about how its too much I realize all the reasons I can't just give it up too easily.

"To make your ideas work for you, you first have to work for them." Thomas Alva Edison.

"It is a terrible thing, this kindness that human beings do not lose. Terrible because when we are finally naked in the dark and cold, it is all we have. We who are so rich, so full of strength, wind up with that small change. We have nothing else to give." Urula K. Le Guin.

"Success is a journey, not a destination." Ben Sweetland.

"Happiness is not a state to arrive at, but rather a manner of traveling." Samuel Johnson.

"Make voyages. Attempt them. There's nothing else." Tennessee Williams.

"Any road is bound to arrive somewhere if you follow it far enough."Patricia Wentworth.

"A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step." Chinese proverb.

"Adventure is worthwhile in itself." Amelia Earhart.

"The cream of enjoyment in this life is always impromptu. The chance walk; the unexpected visit; the unpremeditated journey; the unsought conversation or acquaintance." Fanny Fern.

"Give curiousity freedom." Eudora Welty.

"Nothing ventured, nothing gained." Geoffrey Chaucer.

"In the long run the pessimist may be proved to be right, but the optimist has a better time on the trip." Daniel L. Reardon.

"The end is nothing; the road is all." Willa Cather.

"Whatever wrinkles I got, I enjoyed getting them." Ava Gardner.

"Nature gives you the face you have when you are twenty. Life shapes the face you have at thirty. But it is up to you to earn the face you have at fifty." Coco Chanel.

"Do not deprive me of my age. I have earned it." May Sarton.

"Age is all imagination. Ignore years and they'll ignore you." Ella Wheeler-Wilcox.

"we are always the same age inside." Gertrude Stein

"The great thing about getting older is that you don't lose all the other ages you've been." Madeleine L'Engle.

We saw a wild turkey and her chicks over the weekend. On a drive through Crab Orchard Park, on our way out, I spotted something moving on the road ahead. I was pretty sure it was a turkey but Todd first thought it could be a skunk. I drove as slow as I could, hoping we would get a good look before they took off into the bushes. We did. Not as good as I would have liked of course. It was Todd who first noticed that she had chicks. What a shame we weren't ready with a camera to get pictures.

I'm still not sure when I will be moving. I was so sure it would be this week. My Mom told me she would come down with the truck on Monday (today) if no one else had. But now she seems to think Graham will come down sometime this week, maybe. It's hard to live like this. I don't think they have clue how it feels to be packed up and waiting and being put off again each week. I want to go home, to see Zack. I miss that little boy and I know he is looking forward to seeing me too. We always do nice things together. I do my best to make sure he isn't left out, I know how that can feel.

I got my period yesterday so that's my red and white for Canada Day I guess. Todd is going to honk after work tonight and I'm going to get some ice cream at the Farm Fresh store down the street. A treat for Canada Day and Aunt Flo. (Todd started calling my period "a visit from Aunt Flo" when we were first together. I guess its a little nicer than "on the rag" which is from my brother).

I finally got the book review done for HerCorner. Why do I procrastinate so much on doing those? Sure, its hard to find something new to say each time and hard to do it for 300 to 500 words but I did get reviewers copies for quite a few books and now I'm way behind in doing them all. Just one more thing I have to organize and settle when I move.

I know my Mom is expecting me to stay there with them for awhile but I'm beginning to think that could be a mistake. I don't know what else to do though. I won't have a car and I've been spending my divorce settlement money on things I should wait to buy later. Urrrgh! Can I never just get past this same point in my life? I always seem to end up right back here no matter what I do. I'm always moving after a failed something or other. When will I ever have a place to call home.

I bought a book yesterday. It's a bit of all all in one from Peach Pit Publishing - JavaScript for the World Wide Web by Tom Negrino and Dori Smith. It includes some basic CSS and DHTML as well. I was looking at another book for those maybe this will be enough. I did want to learn javascript at some point too. It's part of learning Lotus Notes/ Domino so I guess it could all come together if I take that course or study on my own and get certified.

Well, I should be getting other things done. My Mom was going to email me to let me know the latest.

BackWash Pays

BackWash is officially a site that pays it's writers/ columnists. Not a lot for each columnist but a pretty big pay out for David Ring, the site owner. Congratulations to David and all of us.

This is my latest BackWash column. I think it turned out well.

The Shortness of Being

"Don't sell yourself short."

That is what a couple of the other managers at HerPlanet told me last night when we had our meeting over the Net. We were talking about how we all have some knowledge and together we pool that and make each of our sites and ourselves better. I agreed with that but then I commented something about how I don't have anything out of the ordinary to contribute. That is when they chimed in with "don't sell yourself short".

I was thinking about it tonight. I always assume anything I know is common knowledge. But, it's true that I know a bit about a lot of things and I don't know a lot about anything, any one thing. At least that's how I feel maybe I'm wrong and I'm just selling myself short again.

Could it be that simple? I've felt for a long time that I'm looking for a missing piece of the puzzle that is me and when I find it I will become some sort of wonder woman. A woman who can do it all, have it all and be it all. Oh no, I don't have overly high expectations at all...

Anyway, I always feel like I am struggling to catch up, that I am a fraud, hoping no one will realize all the errors of my ways, the holes in my plans, the missing link that is me. If I'm just selling myself short... then all I need to do is be contrary at how I look at myself, twist it and turn it around and look at myself in a whole new way. I love that, finding a new viewpoint, a different slant on an idea, a turn of logic and the unexpected. When someone says I'm "odd, but in a nice way" that makes my day.

Back to the short comings thing. If all I need to do is realize I'm selling myself short then how do I convince myself it's true and move on to the next step from there. Someone else told me I have a great mind. Another person said I'm wonderfully warped. If I pile all those together would that give me the height I'm lacking in the way I look at myself? I don't think so. Though they help, I still need to change my outlook from the inside out, not the other way around.

So, back to the drawing board. But, I feel I have grown a bit in my own estimation. Like Alice I have to find the 'drink me' potion to fit through the little door on my way to Wonderland.

I just updated my Kids BackWash column. I had a new idea, based on a series of books I read as a kid: Choose your Own Adventure. They were challenging. Partly to resist the temptation to read ahead and find out where each choice would lead you. Partly because you could never really tell where each choice would lead you, into treasure or peril. I see those books now and then, in the used bin at a second hand store like Goodwill or a little retailer. I don't know if anyone still publishes them. I remember they became popular enough to have some copycats back then.

I've wanted a scanner for a long time. Mostly for clip art to use on my personal websites. There is only so much I can do with ASCII art and HerPlanet isn't even all that keen on me using it at all. So far that is my only disappointment with the HerPlanet network.

Anyway, today Todd wanted to go to WalMart so I wandered around looking at this and that: magazines, sewing stuff, purses, greeting cards and the computer section. I saw the HP Photo Scanner 1000, a small scanner geared to people who want to exchange pictures (4x6) over the net. I think its perfect for what I want. It was $78.64 at WalMart, I see it online for $80 to $100.00. Online would also charge shipping and handling so WalMart would be the better choice. But, I will wait to get it when I am in Ontario rather than find out its only waranteed in the US. That is what happened with the IBM computer I bought myself just before I moved to the US and married Todd. Getting it fixed was a time consuming, frustrating process. I ended up taking it back to Ontario to be fixed. I think it was a dead motherboard. They never did tell me.

CNet has a review of the HP scanner. They give it 7 out of 10.