I have the interview this afternoon for the job with the local newspaper. I don't even know what the job is but it sounds good. I've gotten advice from friends and acquaintences about the interview so its just up to actually doing it now.

I wish I felt better about how I look. My skin is clearing up, better than the zit farm its been. But its much harder to get rid of the extra pounds.

Do you ever think of your life as a team? I can remember my brother playing hockey against the garage door. He was always Gus, I guess it was a manly sounding name to him as a kid. Little did he know the full version is Augustus.

Anyway, he would always narrate the game for himself. Sometimes I would be tossed in as the adoring fan/ groupie. I love my brother, I'll spend the rest of my life cheering for him, back them it did feel a little silly though. I was the only fan.

Is it a man thing, the whole team narration type thing? Its kind of endearing. I've never done it out loud but there have been times when I've narrated privately, in my own head. Sadly, my narrations are never as uplifting as those hockey games between my brother and the garage door.

All this rambling today is taking up space. I'm scared. I don't think I can get back into living my life and all that trying again. I've tried a lot. To get into it would be reavealing too much of my life, some of the wounds scraped into your soul are just too sharp to share randomly.

So, I think this week my team is losing. Maybe I will sleep on it tonight and things will be all fresh and rosy in the morning. I promised one of the other BackWash columnists that I would find someone to talk to when I got back here. But, inside I really thought I could do it all on my own. I don't like talking to someone face to face and telling them all the really deep feelings, the fears and the fact that I don't even trust myself any more. I think I must be part drama queen, but how much is real emotion? Am I allowed real emotion?

Anyway, this week my team is losing it. But, somehow hope always springs eternal, I'm the eternal optimist. Each time I get really down some part of my brain clicks on and starts coming up with new ideas, new solutions and once again I'm not ready to give up.

Look at this!!!! On a day when I thought it would be dangerous to get much lower... this was waiting for me in my email. I only wish I had someone to tell. So, I'm posting it here for the world and all the randomness on the Internet.

I'm so glad I got the idea to ask if they wanted a column or articles about the Internet and sent in my resume to back it up. What a great thing it would be to have a job doing exactly what I love!!!

Hello, Laura. Ian passed your letter and resume on to me. I'd like an opportunity to meet with you in person to talk about your skills and experience. I'm leading the internet strategy team at our news group and perhaps there may be some mutually beneficial opportunities we could explore. Can you let me know what your schedule is like next week? I could meet you at our office, if that's most convenient to you. (In my job, I travel all over the region, so it's not an inconvenience for me.) Let me know if you can meet Thursday, Aug. 8 in the afternoon in. Thanks for sending your resume and letter. Regards,

I wanted to add... I drove the old Ford truck today. These days it looks more like something you would leave out in the back 40 acres for picking up hay bales now and then. It does seem to run ok though, I didn't have any trouble with it. I thought I might when I got my first real look at it. I hadn't seen it since Todd and I drove around in it before I started moving down there. I guess that is 3 years ago, or more. Poor old truck, I felt sorry for it.

It was "interesting" to drive. I can't pick another word. Not challenging exactly, I didn't have any real problems. It was exciting really. All that horse power and the hugeness of the truck itself. Rufus, as I began to call him, could easily drive right over most of those other cars on the road and I would have just though I hit a pot hole.

On the deserted backroad, well paved but no cars or houses, I let Rufus have his head. I could tell he wanted to all day, he was just holding back. I took it up to just over 120 k. Rufus is old but I could tell he would have liked me to let him race along and hit that 140 K mark where the speedometer ends and its just Rufus and the bare roadway ahead. But I held him back, images of small animals and the every possible pedestrians pushing themselves into my mind. But driving Rufus was fun, if a little too exciting around some of those corners. Rufus just has so much power, one tap on the gas and he wants to fly off the handle.

I'd definitely take Rufus out on another date again. Beat up as he is, he had a powerful, masterly style. I told him, if he was a real man I'd probably go for him, all the way.

Looking Over My Shoulder

Sometimes you just should not look back.

I got reading that old stuff about the visa/ greencard stuff tonight. Maybe its time to take that page down now. I guess its still a resource for some people though, it continues to get at least 10 hits a week. But I had a lot of mixed feelings looking back at the woman who wrote all of that. Would it have been better to have turned around and never looked back? That time I was stopped and searched at the border, before we started the visa process, I could have just gone on with my life, keeping Todd as a friend. I had doubts then but I passed them off as the doubts everyone has, "who is ever sure about marriage" my Mom told me.

I guess I have my answer now. Mom has started talking about me looking online for another guy. I might like meeting someone, but I don't even want to try to trust them. Maybe that changes. Its only been a week since I moved back here. Anyway, I'm tired about thinking about what I'm feeling or if its ok to feel what I'm feeling or if I'm being overly dramatic or just overly sensitive. Is there ever a time when you are allowed to feel anything at all?

Its nearly midnight, when I'm asleep I'm dead to the world.

A lot of what I think about men and women comes back to the grooming issue. Do I really hate shaving my legs, wearing make-up (the whole girly girl thing) that much? Maybe I just resent them for pushing this lifestyle on us and making us feel less than a woman if we don't adhere to all of it.

Today I was looking at my arms. Not the pit hair, just that lighter hair that has always been there on my arms. I never thought about shaving it. But, a few weeks ago Todd said something about that dark hair on my arms and I happened to read some magazine or hear some yappy TV show about it too. Is that the latest thing we women are all supposed to become insecure about? Oh my gosh! I have hair growing on my arms!!!

When does it get to the point where we are just allowed to be women and exist as ourselves? I don't want to push myself into someone else's image of what a woman should be. I am a woman, I was born a girl and grew into a woman naturally, on my own, without any help from styling gels, hot wax or unnatural diets. I am a woman not because I'm girly girl but because I am a woman.

I've just signed up for the 3 months of AOL Canada so I could get online. If it works out I could keep it. I think it will at least be interesting to explore AOL while I'm here anyway.

Best of all I am back online after the move back to Ontario. I can only get online in the evening and nights due to having just one phone line. That's a pain but I can handle it. Hoping it won't be long before I find a job, car and place to move to, my own place.