I want to go farther than Ontario. At least as far as Manitoba, the next province over in a westerly direction. I was looking up the Greyhound bus fares tonight. If you get your tickets two weeks ahead it's $124 return. Not sure if that includes those pesky taxes though. Still, under $150, not too bad. It should be even better in off season, around my birthday. If I can hold out until after my birthday (and all that Christmas stuff that just keeps getting in the way, taking credit for the holiday) the fares will be pretty cheap.

Once upon a time when I was not 30 yet, I went out to Vancouver with a $400 pass, good for 3 months worth of travel. Those were great trips. Solo woman traveler, the best way to go!

Anyway, I really really really want a trip! Did I mention that? I wish I could drive out there. But, the car is not making happy anymore. It stopped being fun to drive afer the radiator blew a few weeks ago. Now I dread every shake, noise and grind that thing makes. I have a terrible feeling there is something wrong with the transmission now. If so, that car has seen it's last roadkill.

I'm washing my work uniform. One good thing about having a uniform to wear to work, you always know what you'll be wearing. I wish I had an extra shirt and pants though. I do have 2 but it would be nicer to have 3. Still, I don't have to worry about them getting worn out from all the washing. The company provides more shirts and the pants were just cheap polyester.

I work at 3 this afternoon. I've been getting some morning shifts, that was really nice. Easier on the car too. I still worry every time the heat gage goes past the second line. No more big problems so far though.

Sounds like someone is back, just walked in the door here so I guess I'm offline until tonight.

This is what I sent out for the personal newsletter for my column at BackWash. Just thought I'd stick it in here too. Now I'm going to nuke some pizza for dinner.

For awhile I saved these little newsletter chit chats. But, you can't keep everything. That's one of the little lessons life has taught me.

If I stayed in one place and had no one bugging me to put everything away I could become the pack rat old lady living in her house surrounded by cats, paper and assorted other things. There would just be a pathway through all the junk and it would pile up to the ceiling. You know what I mean. Every now and then you read about some old person who was found dead in their house. They are always the ones who liked to be alone, insisted on being left alone and seldom went anywhere for anything.

That, or I'd be a baglady hauling around a shopping cart with twisted wheel. It would squeak and squeal and I'd often give it a swift kick to get it moving again. The cart would be loaded up with mementos from my life. All the standard paper which is even now all around me. The odd coupon for groceries, forgotten and expired. That sort of stuff. Every now and then something would fall out of the cart and be lost. But, soon I'd find something else to put in it's place.

You may be wondering what made me think of shut ins, bag ladies and heaping garbage... I'd wonder if I was you. In our local newspaper there was a story about just such an old lady. She died alone, found in a house so full of garbage they think the only option is to knock it all down and haul it away in chunks. It was an old family farm. In the family for generations. Now the family is gone, the house will be destroyed, but the land is still there. It alone endures.

Hope you are all doing great. Spring is here. Today it was hot here. Hot for this time of year - 24 Celsius.

I'm not tired of Winter exactly. I'm just sick of being cold. It's ok when I'm outside, brushing off the car, shoveling off the path or walking around just cause that's what I choose to do. But, I'm really getting sick of being cold all the time inside the house.

We have electric heating. It's expensive and since each room is on it's own heater you don't heat the whole house. Instead you choose which rooms you will keep livable. In my case I've pretty much kept that to the bedroom. So, the rest of the house is freezing and I'm sick of it.

I want to be warm. I'm warm when I go out somewhere, even if that means going in to work an hour early. Mostly I'm warm sitting here in my bedroom, in front of the computer.

Really, if it wasn't for things like eating, washing clothes and actually going to work, I could just hibernate right here until Spring. Would that be so bad? Now that I think about it... I could save all kinds of money. No need to shave, brush my hair, or even my teeth, just sit right here and be extremely frugal. If I gave up eating I'd be thin by Spring. This idea is sounding better all the time.

But, I don't think I could really stand it. For one thing I'd have a raging case of cabin fever. For another, I like being clean, or at least cleanish. I'm not a fanatic about it. No one is every going to mistake me for Miss Perfectly Groomed.

Plus, in the long run, I'd become a complete Internet addict. Probably a recluse or hermit type person. Or maybe one of those oracle types who people come to for great advice and my powers to see into the future and the past and understand and know all things. Yeah, that would be kind of cool.

I have to go to work on Tuesday. I'll just be a recluse oracle till then.

Can you take praise or accept help graciously? Not me, at least not without an inner debate/ struggle over the whole thing. I've come to think it's all part of how I belittle myself. Undervalue would work too.

Another element of the belittling is how I feel I can never do enough. I constantly take on more jobs and projects, more than I can really handle. But, no matter how many balls I'm keeping spinning there is always someone else who seems to be doing more and doing more better than I am.

Then there is the whole thing of comparing everything I do to everything everyone else does. Almost everyone I look at is more capable than I see myself. I read another BW column and feel my own columns are about nothing, not interesting, lacking substance and not about anything important. I see a beautiful quilt and think that I should be doing more of that, I love sewing and quilts have always been my favourite sewing related items. Of course, the whole quilting thing is one more project I put upon myself and never complete.

When I take on so many things I end up frustrated and feeling like I never get anything done, or at least not done on time. If I do meet deadlines I feel I could have done better if I had given myself half a chance. Other people always make quilts, write articles, drive, talk, walk, etc. better and easier than I do. All those 'normal' people with their simple, happy, normal lives. I get wondering what I did so wrong that I'm here on the outside looking in. What part of me is it that never fits in?

But, there isn't any one part. It's me as a whole. I just can't seem to get past the feelings of not being good enough. When someone gives me credit for something I did well I try to accept it graciously and not listen to the belittling comments going on in my mind. I haven't been very successful at taking on less but I know it's out there so that's a start.

Some day I'll figure out how to be ok inside my own skin, how to stop putting down everything I do and accept that I do things well, or at least well enough. Someday I'll stop belittling myself or worse, waiting for that perfect Mr. Right who will finally make me believe I'm ok. No one will ever make me believe it until I really believe it.

This is my latest BackWash column. Just posting it here as well cause it's pretty personal. I have no idea why I publish these things on BackWash. Must be yet another twist of character.