I feel like Yuck. I'm cold too. Wasn't this worth clicking for? sigh I don't feel like being entertaining. Tomorrow I have to be nice to Christmas shoppers for nine hours. At work tonight they asked if I could even come in an extra hour early tomorrow. What sane person could really handle ten hours of being nice to vandalizing, grumpy, often dense, Christmas shoppers? Not me, but I never claimed to have a great deal of sanity anyway.

Current mood: touched. lol Not in that sentimental sappy way. Touched as in a little bit dense. Not a lot, just a little. Knock on wood and you might get an echo.

Now, are you entertained? Please go away so I can bitch and moan in peace. Hug someone you kind of like.

Soon I'll be 39. How does stuff like this keep happening to a nice girl like me? Isn't 38 old enough? Someone should really put their foot down and stop this whole getting old thing. It's a really bad habit.

Ok, back to reality. Thought I couldn't find it, eh? Fooled you.

It still hurts to laugh. Have you ever puked so hard and so deeply that your rib area is sore two days later? I was not drinking and having a hangover. I woke up with what I've been calling asthma headaches and soon after I was puking over the bathroom sink. Couldn't even keep the Tylenol I'd taken for the headache. After trying to distract myself with mindless cartoons on television I finally went back to bed. Donating the last of my stomach lining to the kitchen sink first. I'm sparing you more details but I had a shower to clean myself up after the first round. Aren't you so glad you're reading this now? Doesn't this sound like some old lady talking about her hairy toes, her gout and her arthritis?

I don't want to be old. People still say I look like I'm in my 20's. I laugh. Then I laugh some more. Well, not today cause it hurts too much to laugh.

On December 19th, 2003, I'll become 39. I'm trying to let it sink in a bit at a time now. Like getting tiny amounts of whatever you're allergic to in order to become immune to it. Like poison. I'm not ready to be old. I'm not ready to be looking 40 in the eyeballs. How can I be this close to 40 already?!! I haven't done even half the things a woman my age is supposed to have done. Instead I was lolly gagging around. I wasted time being afraid and intimidated, roiling in self doubt. I'm still roiling in self doubt, it keeps me imprisoned inside myself. Everything comes out in the words as I type them. Nothing comes from my eyes, my hands, or my mouth. People see me everyday and know nothing about me. People think they know me when they read what I write but they only know the bare minimalist details. How could they know more? I don't even know it all yet. I never will, there's just too much inside to sort it all out and find out where it came from, how it works and what the heck it wants from me.

Do you ever think there are aliens directing you? When I'm writing I sometimes feel like it's someone else's brain dictating to my fingers. My fingers just keep typing without caring what my eyes think as they see it all appear on the page in front of me. Kind of like a horror story where you lost all control and can only watch while strange and sometimes dreadful things happen.

Is that bloggish enough? Blogs are so full of dramatic poetry. It's one of their attractions. To see someone else spin away on some tangent and maybe never quite make sense or even really care to.

So, I'm still here. Still going to turn 39 in just mere weeks. Life isn't fair. I'm not ready to be one of those older women I used to watch when I was 16.

I need to update the column at BackWash. But, I haven't come up with anything that makes me feel charged up to write. Plenty of links piling up.

Another hour before I get to leave for another 6 hours of Christmas shoppers. Some days when I'm there I get really fed up. But, it's not horrible really. I've had jobs I liked less. I've had jobs I liked better too. So, at the end of January when the big move happens I'll see what comes along. Not that I'm going to let things slide and settle into place for me. There are just too many balls up in the air right now.

I'm also waiting to hear from GlamKitty. Makes me sick to think what the worst news could be and that it could have happened. I'm hoping so much that she's just busy with the move.

Kind of chilly here but I could get off my butt and get a sweater. I was warmer before I changed for work. This T-shirt deal just isn't working for me. They call it a golf shirt, but it's really just a glorified T-shirt. Short sleeves don't do anything for me. Plus short sleeves all year round don't work. Maybe for those cute girls at work, all slim and cute.

Is it really a good thing that people seem to think I'm 24? I don't mind. But I have this dread that it will all suddenly catch up with me. I'll be stuck with some Dorian Grey deal. What a lovely picture that would be. Still, it's easier to take turning 39 this year if people still think I'm more than 10 years younger. Plus, as I just thought, at least I only look young, they don't say I act that way. At least not in a negative way.

Well, that's enough contemplation.. once you start thinking about how old you really are it's time to get distracted FAST! :)

We'll be moving in January, to a town called Alliston. It's farther north than we are now and I won't really want that much of a commute to keep working at the same Zellers. There's another Zellers in the town but I've pretty much had enough of working in retail. Some people really come in there looking for someone to make feel smaller than they do themselves. It's pitiful. Although they make me angry I feel sorry for them too. Not enough to forgive them or forget them however. There is one guy I'd especially like to see in the last few days I'll be working there. How surprised he would be to have one of the customer service people not put up with his attitude. The mouse that roared kind of deal.

Anyway, we had the Zellers Christmas party on Saturday night. It was ok. I would have had more fun if I'd come with a date. But, that never seems to happen.

Not much else to type about. I've been coughing a bit so I must be catching some cold from customers at work already. That's another fun thing about working in a huge department store. :(

Take care, I won't promise to update more often. If you read these things often you know how likely that is to actually happen. Merry Christmas if I don't see you between now and then.

News flash! I'm tired. :D I'm always tired, that's not news. Some days lots of thing happen but you don't feel any inspiration to write about them. So, here are the facts. I went out to a Pagan store, chatted and bought a silver pentagram to wear on the chain I bought at Zellers last week. I bought a red jasper stone which she made into a pendant for me too. She did a great job weaving the silver wire around the stone, I love it. The Hedge Witch was the store. I managed to chat and discover someone else who doesn't believe in the Goddess either. That was a bonus.

Anyway, from there I drove to the movie theatre only I left as it looked closed. Even after going out for lunch there were no cars there and it was late in the day for them to still be closed. After lunch and checking the theatre again I drove across the street to all the new stores being built. There was a Michael's Craft store so I went in and spent more money. I bought some Christmas craft beading with safety pins kits. I'd like to get into wire beading stuff. Not just beading, any goof any thread beads and tie a knot to keep them from sliding off. The wire stuff looks interesting and not too expensive. The biggest expense would be the copper (or silver) wire itself and the tools (wire cutters and pliers).

I drove home, wished I was in the right lane to hit the Chapters bookstore for the new issue of The Writer magazine. But, I'm working tomorrow and can pop in after work. I came home and Mom wanted to go out for dinner and look at a house in Innisfil which calls itself a town but isn't even on the map as a town. It seems to be a county. It's just one more odd map related issue. So we did go out, found the house and Mom is already coming up with reasons why it's not the right one. I'm sure she will find her right one but (for myself) it would be really nice to know where we are moving to.

Which brings up the whole issue of 'why am I moving with them'. I don't especially want to. That wasn't my intention when I came up here after the divorce. I don't even want to write more about this tonight. I feel like I'm writing to please you (the anonymous busy body masses) not for myself. You always screw up when you put your reader too far ahead of your own self. At least for a journal.

Well, I'm tired. Seems like I've typed that a few thousand times this year alone. Nightie night.

PS- Pat, if you read this before I email you. I got the CD's yesterday. Thanks. :) I haven't even started listening to them. Not in the right mood. Can anyone spend a few hours with their Mother and come away feeling sexy? Of course, now I feel guilty for typing that. It's all a circle.

Comment

agingyoungrebel

I hope you enjoy the music.