When you climb a high hill you have to fall down eventually. At least I'm home again, with bruises but this time I didn't lose an anything I haven't lost before.

There's always the question of was it worth it and would you climb another high hill. I expect I will, in time. I seem to be destined to keep climbing hills no matter how much I wish I'd just stop and stay home where it's always the same, not happy maybe but comfortable.

Right now I'm glad to rest awhile between high hills.

If you wait long enough it'll be tomorrow. Just sit still and feel nothing. Eventually it will be tomorrow and then next year and the next year and the next year. Why blow off the dust when it's so nice and soft and doesn't ask you for anything. I could live among the dust bunnies. Maybe if I'm really quiet they won't even notice me there. If you wait long enough eventually nothing will matter any more.

This is what I'm working on but reading it back it sounds so ick! Definitely in need of more work.

Love, is it a verb, does it still have any real meaning and do you really love making love as much as you love your Mother and your stuffed poodle? I love it, I'd love to go, I love you: what the hell does that mean any more?

When you tell someone you love them does it mean you like them but you really love ice cream with mashed potatoes? Love is overused to the point of being a broken record. Some people say the word far too easily and others can hardly say it at all, unless they're describing something they love. See what I mean?

I don't say 'I love you' to anther person easily, if at all. But, I do say I love ice cream, cheesecake, road trips, etc. So what does the word really mean? Has it become meaningless?

Can you love someone at first sight? Can you love someone you've never met? Or can you only love someone you've spent 50 years with, fighting life's battles together, sharing the best of times and being together in spite of all the little things you just can't stand about them? Is love a battle field? Is love enduring? Is love a disease? Maybe love needs to be tested before it can be trusted.

When someone says 'I love you' you're supposed to say it back. There's a lot of pressure to return the words. But, co-erced words don't count. So it's pretty risky to say you love someone, first. What if they don't feel the same way but cave to pressure and in the end you're the only one in love and they're just in like. What if they really love peanut butter or red flannel shirts? Is that a list you want to fit into?

Greeting cards deal out love. They're just words typed on paper, words not spoken. They're dry and shallow. So easy to mean every word and yet they're meaningless until spoken with the emotion of face to face. So hard to find a sincere greeting card, one without the mushy words you don't mean and don't want to give away so cheaply.

Then there's making love, is it really just sex or are you making love? Are you using your body to express love you might not even be able to say in words?

Well, must get motivated or at least get dressed and in the car heading for work. I don't want to go!!!

We're having our Christmas dinner/ lunch at work today. It starts at noon and then starts again at 5:00 so everyone (on every shift) can have dinner. Last year it was great, they cooked 5 turkeys. Sometimes it's nice working for a department store, especially one with it's own restaurant.

So that's what I'll be doing today. First lunch at the store then Farida and I are going to do our Christmas cards. Mine are mostly ready cause I realized most of my addresses are on the computer and since I don't have a functional printer I wouldn't be able to take them with me. Likely we'll be chatting more than working anyway. After that I wanted to do something with Zack. But, as usual, he has some activity after school and all I can really do is chauffeur him there and back. Not much fun for me but it's something. Funny how life/ fate likes to take you at your word sometimes.

Lastly, the plan is to chat at BackWash. I'm not working till 3:00 in the afternoon on Saturday so I can stay up a little late. Not too late cause I'm working till 11:00 at night most of the week at the store. Really long nights! But it will be over after Christmas, well Boxing Day too. Maybe New Years... but then it will be done with for another year, literally.

I like the little things. Like when he held my hand as we walked to wherever we were going. I liked when he offered (insisted) on carrying the watermelon in from the car. I liked lying in bed together. That time between conversation, reading or playing was sometimes better than doing anything else in bed.

I'm not sure if I'll ever have that again. When I think about having a relationship I just don't know if I could be that trusting again. Not in someone else but my own judgment of someone else. I picked wrong when I was so sure I was picking right. I picked wrong. All the nice little things drained away. I was left like the dregs, the clog in the drain.

What I feel doesn't really matter, it doesn't matter about finding a word to label it. I do want to try again, with someone else. It's a matter of picking again.

I think about the little things. I think if I just pay attention to the little things I'll know him. But, all the little things were misleading last time. They lead me into a hole I don't want to have to claw my way out of again.

So, logically, you move onto the big things. I ignored the big things last time cause all the little things were lined up in a row so nicely. But, the big things do matter. Next time I won't make excuses for them, under rate them or over ride them. Next time, if I can get that far, I won't wear blinders or act soft hearted. Next time, I won't walk into a brick wall at the end of the rainbow, right?

Comment

agingyoungrebel

I wish I could say "right", but you never know what the future will bring. (It would be boring if you knew, IMO.) Trust is always a risk, but sometimes you HAVE to take that risk.