How does it work? I go out of my way to be a good friend, a pleasant person in general and yet, I'm always alone at the end of the day. Here I am, alone again. Sitting in a house with ghosts for company. When I need a friend I'm alone. I must have done something really wretched in a past life. I hope I had a hell of a good time doing what ever it was. I'm tired of this life of striving to be good and never having anything good for it all. What is the point to being a good person? At the end of my life I'll just be alone in a dirt hole. How will it be any different from today, right now. I'm tired of being good to people. Let them all rot. Eventually they will, and what will any of it matter?

There are times, moments, when I feel like I'm on the edge of figuring it all out. Then something comes up and gets in the way. So, I never quite figure it all out. Eventually, I will. I'll catch up to myself, tap myself on the shoulder and say, "You've been doing it all wrong."

Comments

cloverbee

I wanted to introduce myself and tell you hi. I stumbled across your journal through a random search and enjoyed your postings so if you were curious as to how you ended up on my friends list - that's how.

But I don't think there is a right answer to the questions you ask above. But I hope that LJ offers you some contact when you need at least a human touchpoint. It helps me a lot when I can simply ask my LJ friends a question and get their advice and counsel. Not that I always listen, mind you :) but I like knowing I can ask. I hope you find the same thing through whatever avenue you pursue.

me

Hi to you. :) Thanks for the introduction. I visited your LJ. YOu write well. I've had a pretty emotional day today so I'm just going to get to bed and let it all wash over me awhile.

agingyoungrebel

Laura (thatgrrlca) DOES have webfriends, cloverbee (I'm rather proud to be friends with her, myself), but even though webfriends can be understanding and supportive, they're still only virtual.

The Amazing Disposable Woman did it again. But, this time I'm still breathing. I thought getting tossed out again would be more than I could live through. But, I'm actually starting to be ok just hours later. I've thought about it you see. I've learned and I've improved on my comphrension. In short, I picked wrong again.

You can't be in a relationship by yourself. You can't have a relationship with someone on paper or in a digital/ cyber version only. If someone who hasn't met you says he loves you, realize it's not based on anything concrete. Likely, he's putting you in some reserve file to be analyzed, inspected and perhaps acted upon in the far future. Like a time capsule. He doesn't really want you to be a part of his life in the here and now.

Also, any guy that doesn't send real birthday cards isn't going out of his way to include you in his life in other ways. If you get something physical then you can rely on getting more physical. Romance isn't a story book to be read on paper, taken out and dusted off when it's convenient. It's in the here and now and it's messy sometimes. At times it's gushy and mushy and really inconvenient. But, it's there, physically there.

Watch for guys who want a 'partnership' and then start laying out the rules. You should be in there somewhere, your rules. If you're not then it's not a partnership. If all the rules are his there isn't any space for you.

So, more lessons learned. As if I wasn't already perfect enough.

I'm Ok! I'm really going to be ok. I'm so surprised and glad. At first I thought I'd just curl up and die. But, here I am. Typing and everything. I might even go make fresh coffee and have a really great orgasm before bed. I'm free and I'm just fine! I don't have to explain myself to anyone.

Sometimes I feel like a tiny pin prick of an island on the huge map of the world. Who knows anything about one pin prick sized dot. Maybe it's only a bit of fluff dropped from someone's clothes? Maybe it's just a bit of sauce from the french fries served at lunch? Maybe it's a squished bug? Or maybe it's a whole island unto itself.

There is so much to do with the moving. Still. Always. Eternally so. But, in this moving there are really only two days left to get it all done. Sickening, frustrating, maddening and far too crazy for me.

I got mad at the garage door opener when I came home last night after work. It fell apart and when I couldn't get it to work I rolled down my car window and pitched it out into a handy snow bank. They'll find it in the Spring.

I'd say I'll be glad when this is done. But it won't be done. I've moved too many times to want to tackle the unpacking. It seems pointless to unpack only to pack again. I drift along, rootless and at times pot bound. Too much family with opinions about all I do wrong and how I should be doing everything in a different way. Where am I in all of this? I reach out to grab at some trailing part of myself and there are just boxes, waiting to be packed, or unpacked. I can't see inside.

Current Music: cello music from Kareem (Friend from writing at BackWash).

Getting tired already so I doubt I'll last till midnight. The plan is to take a shower and do a little home spa deal before the end of the year. I'm also drinking hot chocolate with a splash of Kaluha (however you spell it).

Happy 2004!

I'm kind of scared. I'm trying not to be. David probably isn't scared, not much anyway. I'm not sure how he is doing it. How do you take a big chance on someone? How do you just let them become such a big, important part of your life? How do you love someone? I'm starting to love David.

But, I've been here before with these online things. At least three times that come to mind now. One was Dave, the helicopter pilot. He wanted me to move to Oregon. He wanted me to do kinky things to him that I wasn't really sure about. But we talked a lot. He was the channel owner of the chat channel on IRC. I liked being the main squeeze of the guy in charge. I know that was probably what made him attractive to me at the time. Then, one night the rug began to slip out. I had to drown a few kittens that day, a mercy killing. It was horrible and I came online pretty upset and just wanted him to listen and sympathize. He couldn't. He just wanted to talk about himself. My needs were pushed aside so he could tell me about his own. That was when I knew this wasn't going to be the guy I wanted. Later he had a terrible accident in the helicopter, delivering Christmas trees. But, even before that I knew I wanted out. It was just harder not to feel like a bitch when I left. I did though. Yes, he needed someone, but it didn't matter if it was me or some other female. Anyway, he was never the same after the accident.

There was Sherkhan (Richard) before helicopter Dave. But that ended as friends, good friends. I do miss him and wish him all the best. Last I heard he was with another online friend. They've been together awhile now. I wish I hadn't lost their email addresses. Too much moving and computer death.

There are three more I've thought of as I type this: Artistry (Dale), Chris and Lynn my dragon friend. Lynn and I were never romantic. But, I wondered. I loved him in some way, more than just a friend. I don't know what he felt, he was kind of closed off. A hard person to really know. I did feel love for him but it wasn't romantic or like brother and sister really. Maybe it was a seed that never sprouted.

Artistry, there's a story I'll never know the end to. I was brand new online. I fell madly in love. I thought he felt something. I don't know really. I think he played games and even if he really did have feelings for me I think the games mattered more to him. He made a sudden departure. It was a crushing defeat for me, for awhile. I lost all those feelings of being in love. I'd never felt that before or since. Not the passion, the way the colours in the world were all brighter and the way I could read a romance novel and really... get it! Artistry betrayed me, lied and then never would tell me what changed. Maybe he never felt anything. But I did. That much I've kept.

Chris then, the one that hid himself away. I think of Chris the most of them all. I wrote erotic stories for Chris. I made him my online lover. He was an Englishman living in Hong Kong. When I wrote him an email it was noon my time and midnight his time. But we were friends, real friends. I could tell him anything and I did tell him a lot. I know he cared for me at least as much as I cared for him. But, he couldn't take that final chance of actually meeting. He was a Scorpio. I've come to know how secretive Scorpios are. He just kept to the pattern. But, I'd be glad to talk to Chris again. I would love to know he missed me and our talks and our stories. I don't need him to love me. That's passed. But I miss that wonderful, warm friend. He will always be special in my life.

I married Todd. But I don't include him in the online romances. We were penpals for over 20 years then we met face to face. He kissed me and said there were sparks. But it ended in a divorce a few years later.

Now there is David. He tells me he loves me and I believe what he says. I just find it hard to believe it's me this is happening to. I'd given up after Todd. But I'm forever an optimist. I tried to meet more men. I answered their brief emails with as much of my whole heart as I could dig up. But each one fell flat. No answering beat, no pulse, no feeling. After a few of those I didn't even want to try. I wanted to beat men up in general. Those unfeeling clods! How dare they not see me. How dare they talk about the great woman they want to meet and then ignore me when I'm sitting right here! How dare they start something they can't bother to finish? How dare they strike a match and leave it to burn itself out, unnoticed.

So here I am now and there's David. I'm afraid it will be some joke of fate. After all this time how can I now find someone that really does want me in spite of everything. It can't be real. I keep sending him reasons he shouldn't love me. In case he changes his mind now when it's not too hard for me to lose him. But he still says he loves me and he'll wait right here for me. He's coming here for me. He didn't even expect me to move there. He's moving here, uprooting his life and his computer and coming here. There is nothing here but me. How can I live up to that? What if I'm not good enough? Not that I think I'm not. Mostly some of the time. Now and then I feel I'm half of a really great couple, the sort of couple who grow old together and are the envy of all their grandchildren. Now and then it's so close I can almost taste it. But I'm still alone. It's not easy to have faith but I'm trying. I'm trying for David cause I think he's worth it. I am too.