Has anyone ever died from swallowing pills?

How ironic, to be trying to save yourself with pills only to lose yourself with one stuck before it went down. It seems very discouraging for my possible future as a pill popper.

Everyone and everything in your life is some kind of responsibility. Remembering birthdays, maintaining friendships, dusting, carefully placing so they don't fall off shelves... endless.

I dream, day dream, of being in the world after everyone else is gone. Maybe a virus that didn't affect me. Maybe they all just left in a spaceship. The how or why isn't too important. Just the alone. By myself in the world.

I'd also like endless time, without a lot of aging. I could find myself a place at the top of a high building. I imagine it has a balcony with curtains billowing on the breeze from the lake, maybe the ocean. Inside I have everything I need. Would I get tired of too much time? Possibly. It would be very quiet without people.

Things still need to be taken care of. But, more temporarily than people. Things don't have the same expectations, or needs.

If I could find a way to keep the electricity on, that would be good. Not likely, but good. Even without electric power I could still do most of the things I'd want to do. Reading in the daylight. But, I would miss the Internet, looking for whatever idea comes into my head. Its so easy to find something about anything on the Internet.

I'm not sure what else I'd really want to do, alone like that. If I could also be slim I'd try on clothes. Probably get out my sewing machine and learn to use it instead of hand sewing everything, and then design and make my own clothes. I've always got ideas for clothing designs.

Lots of things I'd like to write too. But, would it be the same with no one else to read any of it? I could write and write and write without caring what anyone would think. Some how that feels just too open ended.

Anyway, that's enough day dreaming for today. Someone once said I wouldn't really like being entirely alone like that. Maybe. We all depend on each other in so many ways, like having someone keep the electricity on. But, its a lot of responsibility. For me. Others don't seem to feel it at all and just go on as if they were already alone in the world.

Tonight she is pissed because I didn't cook the beans and make her drink when she came in from the garden. I spent the afternoon writing. I felt like a person for a little while. She spent the afternoon in her garden. Now I feel like I'm in shit for taking time to have my own life.

She complains that she can't look after the garden herself any more. She used to say when she couldn't look after her garden herself she would sell the house and do something else. Not sure what. I've stayed living with her for more of my life than I have had to myself. I'm almost 61 now, divorced, no children, no future.

Now she's snippy about how she will just make her drink herself and cook the beans herself. I just left her to do it. I don't want her to lose what she loves for however much time she has left. She's 81. I imagine it must be hard to be coming to the end of your years, feeling less able to do everything you used to do. I try to be good, patient, and helpful. But, its every day, every waking hour. I've come to dislike the time I need to spend sleeping.

Even when my brother takes care of her in Florida for a few months, he leaves and has time without her. Here or in Florida, he has time for his own life. I don't. I have two younger sisters who talk to her on the phone, when they want to.

I may not really have a life any more but I'm feeling angry that I have to feel guilty or bad for having a few hours to do something I like to do by myself. I used to think my life would be easier if I had a lobotomy, or could be a robot. I still feel the same way, 50 years later. This isn't a life and I'm tired of whatever this is.

She says I should be glad to give her time/help in her last years. I don't begrudge helping her really. But, what if I die first? Do I get some kind of rebate for all these years? No, I'll just be dead.

I was in a car accident on Saturday. Thought I would write about it, but now I don't want to. I'm still alive, a bit battered, not too bruised physically.

This is what I wrote to my cousin, Pamela. I'd add a bit more, maybe yet.

Today I have a therapy appointment for the accident. I will be fine. Bashed my left knee on something in the car when we were hit. My left boob is still decorated in pretty purple designs from the seat belt. A scratch on my right leg that is a complete mystery. But, its nearly gone now. At first I was feeling ok, but by the time I got home the back of my neck, shoulders and chest were tight and hurting. Tension I'd guess. A hot shower helped. Still having some pain in my back and sides but its getting better.

I've never been in a car accident before. It was so interesting to experience. Especially since I'm ok. When you see movies/ TV shows of people getting hit by another vehicle it is surprisingly just like that. I saw a black truck flying towards our car. It didn't seem real and then it hit and there was a spray of car bits (almost all from his truck) like an instant tornado. Different men stopped to help and I didn't know which were in the accident and which were just passing along at the time. It was confusion, and assorted other words but it also felt like being part of a story, not quite an adventure but something like that. The bits of his truck and the other car were everywhere! Like big pieces of confetti that would not be good to step on.

It (truck) had landed on Mom's driver side door and she couldn't get out. The truck was smoking right by her window and (now) she says she was scared. At the time she kept saying she was fine and I was the one who was showing more affects from it. But, now she says it has taken the wind out of her sails and she hasn't yet gone outside for her garden as she usually would be almost every day. Mom's brother (our Uncle Wayne) suggests she call a lawyer for/ about the accident. We met the man who caused the accident there, at the time. Although I have ho idea why/how he took the turn when another car was that close, he seemed like a regular kind of guy with an orange t-shirt and a long grey beard. Like someone who has a cottage and a boat to enjoy on the lake. But, most people at fault for accidents are likely everyday types of people. That part won't be like the movies and TV shows.

So its not so easy to think about starting anything legal about it. Mom's insurance have decided to repair her car rather than write it off. We were hoping it would be a write off because she still has payments for it and that won't change even though its now a car that has been in an accident. So it won't sell as well any time later. Also, a bit creepy to be in that car again. As if it betrayed us somehow, though of course, it wasn't the car's fault, or ours.