I'm feeling sad today. Yesterday my Mom and I went out for a drive. She likes going out, driving around, looking at this and that. Usually we find old buildings, wildflowers, something I take photographs of. For her its a plant and a rock to bring back for the garden. Its a lot of time talking/ listening about our family, about houses and lives and children we see. Things I don't have, will never have now. So, it just makes me feel sad.

Mom wants me to write about everything on our adventures. I know she is feeling her age and wants our adventures and generally as much as can be, recorded. Mementos written about her life and her children and what she has done. I understand, I feel the same: older, less time, less potential, less healthy, a lot of less with things younger people will only begin to know about when they are old enough.

I try not to let myself feel regrets, or sad, or angry about myself, my life. But, its not easy. It doesn't change or fix anything so there is no point in feeling anything about it. So I put my time into other things, distractions but also real things that can take over the sadness and push it out of the way.

Last night I had a dream about Mom getting things together, with my help, she was going to sleep in the basement. She was leaning over her walker, as she does these days, and standing at the door to the basement, saying "Good Night" in that way she does now. I can't think of the right words to describe it, sad but not sad. Maybe a quiet happiness, something like that. The thing is, we have a finished basement but someone else is living there. Also, how would Mom possibly get down all those stairs? She couldn't. If she did - getting back up would be incredibly difficult for her and myself however I would figure out some way to get her back upstairs again. It was an odd thing to dream. But, dreams can be odd. Sometimes I have odd dreams I don't understand so much but later they come true and then they make more sense. So, this dream is bothering me. Of course Mom isn't going to live forever, none of us do. But, I'm not looking forward to her last day. For either of us. It would actually be the day after her last day, you don't know on the day of.

We don't drive as long or as far as we used to, even just a few years ago. Maybe the car accident is part of that. I think we both feel differently about the car itself now. (The accident was not our fault, we were sitting at a stop sign, waiting for traffic and deciding which way to turn).

I'm thirsty, thinking I will stop here and make coffee. Good Night, Good Evening, Good Morning, Good Day!

Has anyone ever died from swallowing pills?

How ironic, to be trying to save yourself with pills only to lose yourself with one stuck before it went down. It seems very discouraging for my possible future as a pill popper.

Everyone and everything in your life is some kind of responsibility. Remembering birthdays, maintaining friendships, dusting, carefully placing so they don't fall off shelves... endless.

I dream, day dream, of being in the world after everyone else is gone. Maybe a virus that didn't affect me. Maybe they all just left in a spaceship. The how or why isn't too important. Just the alone. By myself in the world.

I'd also like endless time, without a lot of aging. I could find myself a place at the top of a high building. I imagine it has a balcony with curtains billowing on the breeze from the lake, maybe the ocean. Inside I have everything I need. Would I get tired of too much time? Possibly. It would be very quiet without people.

Things still need to be taken care of. But, more temporarily than people. Things don't have the same expectations, or needs.

If I could find a way to keep the electricity on, that would be good. Not likely, but good. Even without electric power I could still do most of the things I'd want to do. Reading in the daylight. But, I would miss the Internet, looking for whatever idea comes into my head. Its so easy to find something about anything on the Internet.

I'm not sure what else I'd really want to do, alone like that. If I could also be slim I'd try on clothes. Probably get out my sewing machine and learn to use it instead of hand sewing everything, and then design and make my own clothes. I've always got ideas for clothing designs.

Lots of things I'd like to write too. But, would it be the same with no one else to read any of it? I could write and write and write without caring what anyone would think. Some how that feels just too open ended.

Anyway, that's enough day dreaming for today. Someone once said I wouldn't really like being entirely alone like that. Maybe. We all depend on each other in so many ways, like having someone keep the electricity on. But, its a lot of responsibility. For me. Others don't seem to feel it at all and just go on as if they were already alone in the world.

Tonight she is pissed because I didn't cook the beans and make her drink when she came in from the garden. I spent the afternoon writing. I felt like a person for a little while. She spent the afternoon in her garden. Now I feel like I'm in shit for taking time to have my own life.

She complains that she can't look after the garden herself any more. She used to say when she couldn't look after her garden herself she would sell the house and do something else. Not sure what. I've stayed living with her for more of my life than I have had to myself. I'm almost 61 now, divorced, no children, no future.

Now she's snippy about how she will just make her drink herself and cook the beans herself. I just left her to do it. I don't want her to lose what she loves for however much time she has left. She's 81. I imagine it must be hard to be coming to the end of your years, feeling less able to do everything you used to do. I try to be good, patient, and helpful. But, its every day, every waking hour. I've come to dislike the time I need to spend sleeping.

Even when my brother takes care of her in Florida for a few months, he leaves and has time without her. Here or in Florida, he has time for his own life. I don't. I have two younger sisters who talk to her on the phone, when they want to.

I may not really have a life any more but I'm feeling angry that I have to feel guilty or bad for having a few hours to do something I like to do by myself. I used to think my life would be easier if I had a lobotomy, or could be a robot. I still feel the same way, 50 years later. This isn't a life and I'm tired of whatever this is.

She says I should be glad to give her time/help in her last years. I don't begrudge helping her really. But, what if I die first? Do I get some kind of rebate for all these years? No, I'll just be dead.