"Life's more enjoyable if you pretend that you have an audience." Jeff Martin.

This was from a link in The Unholy Trinity's column this week. It's such a delicious quote. Made me think about why we do anything. Isn't there always some element of performance? Isn't that why we get out of bed in the morning? Isn't that the real reason we drive ourselves to look like seductive wenches even though we're just going to pick up a few things at the grocery store? That audience is why we do just about anything not necessary for our immediate survival.

Just like boys playing hockey, when they are by themselves they like to narrate the event. I listened to my brother do his hockey narration against the garage door. Back then he wanted to be called Gus. (I doubt he knew Gus was short for Augustus, I never told him.)

Anyway, do you ever do your own narration? I do. Even if I'm not thinking about it it's there, somewhere in my mind. I evaluate how I get out of the car. "She did it again, a perfect exit, keys in the pocket with that stylish flip of the key ring." Did anyone see how graceful that was? Or, countering that, did anyone see how ungainly that was, do I get a redo? Take two, getting out of the car... ok Action! Ok..., that's perfect, cut and print! The audience applauds.

It's wonderful to be admired. To be the adored one. I think we all have some fantasy of being the movie star, worshipped by millions of men. The top model, the one who leaves all men with their jaw hanging down, drooling and hoping for one scrap of our notice. That woman, the one who seduces men with just a casual smile. Look at her, everyone, isn't she ever so worthy of watching?

Certainly we have performance anxiety at some point, when there is a real audience. But, that's different. A real audience isn't under our control. You can ignore the imaginary audience or have them laugh with you over your goof ups. They always laugh with you. How could they not, you're so incredible!

Maybe you feel less alone in the world if you have an audience. Or maybe it drives you to a better performance. Whatever it is, life is more enjoyable when you're performing for an audience.

Applaud now.

This is going to sound pretty flaky but, sometimes I image aliens (those little green men type guys) are watching me, recording all the knowledge I gain and will some day turn me off. Well, I'm not sure about the turning off part. I'd prefer to think they'll just finish this learning project and move along to something else.

I told you it was flaky. Flakier than a single pie crust made with a whole pound of lard. Why do you think I've never told anyone else about this?

Today I was looking up a word in the dictionary, it wasn't even in the dictionary (that's how smart I'm getting). As I looked I thought about how pleased the aliens would be to learn a new word today. Somedays I wonder if they get bored. I mean, I don't learn something new and exciting every day.

Maybe, the little things I take for granted are monumental to them. Who knows? Certainly not me. I guess the aliens would know. I have no way to ask them. All our communication is one sided. Of course, they don't know I've caught onto their plot. They think I'm just some sort of education cow, or whatever farm animal seems suitable. I don't really like to think of myself as any type of bovine. What women does?

I think their ultimate goal is to have all human knowledge. Even stuff like changing light bulbs and shoveling snow. I don't know what they want to do with all of it. I've never really thought about that side effect. But, for now they just keep watch, picking things out of my grey matter. Luckily I'm not a shut in or someone who doesn't like to read. I also like to explore and experiment, take the odd risk and do things without really thinking them through. I bet they even like that I skim instead of reading every last word.

Does anyone else think they have little aliens in their head, writing down facts and learning English as a second language? Perhaps it's just me. Few people get these flaky sort of thoughts. I think the aliens put them in my head.

I think I'll use this for my BackWash column.