What is a journal for if you can't mess around with it? Sometimes I add something here and think... people will think I'm a dork or... people will be tired of reading about dragons... Well, so what?
This is my place to mess up at will, and I will, frequently and intentionally. You are forewarned. I might even spell things wrong and not look it up to fix it.
So there.
Why does any one person need or have so many blogs and journals? I don't know, don't even ask me.
I'm cold tonight. It's like all my ghosts are standing behind me blowing, soft chilling breaths down the bacl of my neck. They are there, ghosts I mean. Not spooky, white sheets. All the ghosts. The people who came into my life, were reflected on my mirror and then sank back into the shadows. Never seen again, but thought of once in awhile.
Karen Pownell, where are you? Lately it's you I've been thinking of. Do you remember the nose picking song? Probably not. You had so many friends and I wasn't even one of them. If I had just been less worried about what everyone thought of me we would have been great friends. I still think of you but lately I've been thinking of you more often. Whatever did you do with the rest of your life? If anyone is about my age (39) and lived in The Rouge (Port Union in general) in the east end of Scarborough send me a note. It would be great to hear from other old people. :) Who knew you really could get so damn old! I was a year back, everyone in my class was one year older than me. They're all 40 now! I still have about 8 months to be in my 30's. Just barely, but still there.
I am ldr (long distance dating) with Eric. I don't like it. I like him I just don't like being with him virtually. It's not enough. I decided to try again it seems only fair that I get that chance. I think I'm going to crack up on this long distance part. It's no one's fault, not even mine. Dating again is hard. I've been dumped every time or found out something that just proved I have no dating sense what so ever. You think you're smart until you do something really stupid. So many things spinning through my brain like lightening on the water. In the end I just come to the same conclusion, keep trying. Give it a chance. Not every guy or every situation or every decision I make has to be a bad one. Just because my track record with these things is pretty ugly... I want it to work. Yes, there are pretty huge details to figure out. Kind of overwhelming when I dare to stop and think. He once said he doesn't want to get married again. I don't want to be the ever ender girlfriend though. Do I want to be some kid's evil step girlfriend? I don't want to be disliked just cause I exist. Then, do I really want to be married again, go through that again, take that chance again? Eric isn't messy or dirty. It won't be like that again, but it still scares me. I never want to be there again, trapped and no one even really believing me. They thought I should have just tried harder. But I was trying my hardest. Trying hard doesn't matter. Some days were so bad and everything was my fault cause I wasn't doing enough, trying enough, being enough. Never enough. Just not enough of me. So empty. So nothing.
I still remember the road kill. It was like a symbol for everything. Road kill, the fresh kind, splattered and bloody and chunky. Or, road kill, the kind that has become plastered to the road, dried up by rubber burning over top of it. Little flakes fly up as the cars drive over. Even the maggots have left it to harden and crust on the road.
I've never looked at road kill the same. I never will. If I had just listened on the way down to meet him the first time. When he was still just a man on paper. All the way driving down there, over 15 hours, road kill was amassed everywhere along the way. At the time I thought it was strange to see so much road kill. More than usual I thought. But, I made my own fate. I didn't listen to the signs though I acknowledged them at the time. Later, there was always road kill. Even talk of road kill, eating road kill deer. Road kill was everywhere, like a theme. When I left I was road kill myself.
But I lived. Crawled away. Peeling myself off the tar. I'm not road kill any more. I don't know what changed exactly, how I fixed myself. I thought I was unfixable for a long time. I'm not sure now if I gave up or not. It was a muddled time. Pure satire that I learned to drive then and became someone capable of making road kill myself. I did hit a chipmunk at some point. There is irony in life.
Anyway, that's far more blab than I intended to get into. Actually, I was only going to post this quote:
"In every corner of my soul there is an altar to a different god." - Fernando Pessoa
Comments
agingyoungrebel
found out something that just proved I have no dating sense what so ever. You think you're smart until you do something really stupid.
Heh! Welcome to the wonderful world of dating, where nobody ever really learns, where everybody can (and probably will) make the same mistakes over and over and over again, and where the only way out is to make a gamble or a guess.
Some are lucky, some are not, and, just like in gambling, some cut their losses (too early sometimes), some keep on playing they win (some are wise enough to quit if they win, some are not), and some keep on playing no matter what (and risk losing everything)...
In the end I just come to the same conclusion, keep trying. Give it a chance.
That's the spirit!
I wish you only the best, I think you deserve it.
me
I hope you find someone special too. You seem to meet so many women but haven't quite found one to tickle all your fancies the right way at the right time. Something like that. :)
Do you think about why you blog or keep an online journal, assuming you are one of the many who do?
For me it's part yap therapy (keeping that idea that someone out there is listening to me) and part seeking eternal and very enviable fame. The fame part sounds better, less wimpy than saying I'm lonely or looking for sympathy. Who wants to be seen that way?
But, when you write, if you really write and not just make impersonal notes or detached observations, you have to write with your heart and your soul. The brain can only do so much on it's own. At least that's my theory.
That doesn't make it easy. Exposing your tender bits is never going to be easy. If you didn't care they wouldn't be tender bits. If you stop caring your words will be empty and lifeless, just letters typed on paper.
So, how do you balance exposing yourself with keeping a few shreds of pride and a sense of self? Or can you? I know I've written things at BackWash that I had second thoughts about. One reason I don't go back over my old columns is that I know how hard it would be to resist the temptation to edit them. I don't mean a spell check or grammar type edit.
Anyway, life keeps things interesting. Writing about it all just makes it all that much more public, and interesting for someone else. At least in theory.
What is your current online diary's URL? (Please provide a link to your diary!)
When did you first start a diary, and why? What did you write about at first? How long have you kept diaries, and was that consistenly or just here and there?
Whether your first diary was electric or paper, do you still have it?
Do you read your old diaries? What do you think or feel when you read your really old entries?
What type of writing do you mostly do now? (examples: 1- talk about what happened to me recently, 2- talk about things I think about, 3- talk about relationships, 4- write down dreams, my art, or any other creative thing, 5- complain, 6- write down quotes and interesting things I find such as in the newspaper).
What is more important, the style of the diary or the actual content, and why? What do you like to see in a diary?
Do you edit your entries or do you just let loose and don't look back?
What are your pet peeves about diaries, such as things that bug you that you notice other people do with their diaries. What bothers you the most about what you tend to do in your diary?
Is your diary anonymous? Why or why not? Do any of your friends or family read your stuff and does that influence what you write about or how you express yourself?
What does keeping a diary do for you? Why do you think that you like it?
I started my first diary (on paper) when I was a little kid. I think my Mom got me going to practice my printing, writing and spelling. It is a good way to get lots of practice. My earliest diaries didn't say much. A few comments about the weather and a line about something going on that day. As I grew old my journal entries grew longer and more interesting.
I do read them, the old ones. Its nice to remember something that happened. Without a journal there are lots of things I would never think of a second time. Most of my diary writing now is just whatever I'm thinking about, a little about things going on in my life and ideas I get about life, the world and everything.
I have an online diary now. But I won't share the URL here. I'm not a kid, I have adult thoughts, experiences and feelings and those aren't things kids need to be reading about. Kids should just be having fun, going to school and all that good kid stuff that you will miss later when it's your turn to be the adult.
The main reason I keep a diary or journal, whichever you prefer to call it, is to have a place to keep my thoughts, ideas and all the little things I don't want to forget later. I also like the idea of a scrapbook but I use my weblog that way with anything that's online or digital.
If you have a diary, what do you think as you write? I used to think that someday an archaeologist would find my diary in a big dig and read about life in "the old days". Sometimes I think that my daughter will read it and other times I think I'm writing to a biographer who is researching my life to turn it into a book about the great woman I became. For me keeping a diary is a way of leaving something of my thoughts, experiences and what I did with my life behind. It's a way to keep a bit of me around even after I'm long gone.
This came from an email list I just joined, Online Diaries.
The Diary Survey
What is your current online diary's URL? (Please provide a link to your diary!)
When did you first start a diary, and why? What did you write about at first? How long have you kept diaries, and was that consistently or just here and there?
Whether your first diary was electric or paper, do you still have it?
Do you read your old diaries? What do you think or feel when you read your really old entries?
What type of writing do you mostly do now? (examples: 1- talk about what happened to me recently, 2- talk about things I think about, 3- talk about relationships, 4- write down dreams, my art, or any other creative thing, 5- complain, 6- write down quotes and interesting things I find such as in the newspaper).
What is more important, the style of the diary or the actual content, and why? What do you like to see in a diary?
Do you edit your entries or do you just let loose and don't look back?
What are your pet peeves about diaries, such as things that bug you that you notice other people do with their diaries. What bothers you the most about what you tend to do in your diary?
Is your diary anonymous? Why or why not? Do any of your friends or family read your stuff and does that influence what you write about or how you express yourself?
What does keeping a diary do for you? Why do you think that you like it?