Listening to people, family, and the media go on about your life and health as you get older, some days it feels like living with a jack-in-the-box. Any time it could pop up and that's it your time is up. I'm going to be 60 at the end of this year. I do wonder how many days I still have. I don't feel stressed about it but, I don't like it.

I wonder if there have been people who also didn't like the unknown date lurking in their future. Has anyone ever decided they didn't like the suspense and chosen their own expiry date? Not due to despair, or ill health. Just because you don't want to leave it random and unknown.

I don't think its suicide. It's not a decision made due to sadness, or ill health. I don't think its morbid either. Younger people may see it that way. Your experience is different. But, unless immortality becomes an option, I think its entirely reasonable.

Compare it to doctors deciding a birth date for babies by scheduling a caesarian for women. They don't know what the real birth date would have been, if the baby had been left in the womb until it made its own way, in its own time. I think choosing your own death date would be the same really.

You could have all your affairs in order, make sure your will is done right, write instructions for your funeral, burial, or whatever you want done with your leftover body. Decide where your possessions go, are distributed, knowing there isn't much of anything you can take with you. Spend that extra time with family and friends you've kept meaning to visit but didn't make time for. If you are a bucket list person, finish your list. Find a good spot and plant a tree! Otherwise, do those things you'd like to have done, travel to those places you would have liked to see, knowing your plan for how many days you've decided you have left.

In the end, you might choose to extend the date. There would be not reason you couldn't. That alone would be a good reason not to tell anyone else about what you're doing and the cut off date. Who wants someone reminding you about it. You might change your mind entirely. But, if you wanted to stick to your date and not keep waiting for it to come along and happen to you - why shouldn't a person take their own fate in their own hands and choose their last day for themselves?

A living wake can bring peace of mind to the elderly or the seriously sick/ ill. A living wake brings everyone together to hear last words and share loving words and thoughts of their own.

A traditional wake was meant to celebrate the life of the newly deceased. A living wake should be the same. Bring everyone together to remember and to celebrate while the guest of honour is still able to partake, enjoy and share memories too.

A living wake is a get together with family, friends, co-workers and anyone else you choose to invite to your pre-death wake. You have a living wake while you are still alive. This gives everyone a chance to bring the flowers, food and good bye wishes before you are actually deceased and can no longer appreciate them or give thanks for them.

I've always thought it was sad that the funeral was only for the living family and friends. The deceased doesn't get to see the flowers or hear what people say about them. A living wake lets everyone share the memories, thoughts and happier times while the family member or friend is still alive.

It is still not an easy event to attend. It will still be sad. But, it gives everyone to share their appreciation and love while it can still be heard.

A living wake can also be good for someone who is afraid of dying. Even if there is no reason for them to have this fear. The living wake gets everyone together so they can feel they have not left anything undone, no words unsaid. They can take time to plan it, decide who will attend and plan out their own speech to give to all the family and friends in attendance.

I don't think a living wake should become an annual event, that would take away it's specialness and it's purpose, but a living wake can bring peace of mind to the elderly or the sick.

Planning a Living Wake

Don't be afraid to have a good time.

If the guest of honour has always loved dancing and music make sure that is a big part of the event and get people up dancing. Maybe the guest of honour likes humour, in that case consider turning the event into a roast where each family member and friend gets a few minutes to make a speech roasting the guest of honour. Maybe there is a particular sport or handmade craft which everyone can participate in and play or create together.

You will know the best theme for your own group. Keep in mind, a wake was never meant to be depressing, people celebrated the life of the deceased.

• Send invitations early. Give people time to plan what they will wear, what they will say, etc.
• Make sure the invitations explain what the party is for, what will be expected and what the plan is for the event.
• RSVP is essential for this party. Make sure this is highlighted on the invitations. Anyone who is unable to attend should arrange to send a letter or have another guest bring a video to be played at the living wake in their place.
• Create a collage of photographs and make a video with clips from the past.
• If someone has created a family tree ask to enlarge it to poster-size and display it. Not only nice for family but friends will understand where the family fit in as they meet them.
• Moderate how much alcohol is being consumed. If people want to drink a lot let it be later in the event, once everyone has had time to be heard and to listen.
• Don't let it get too gloomy. Include reminders of happy memories, funny memories and memorabilia.
• Encourage everyone to bring the flowers, greeting cards and such they would have brought to a funeral. That's part of the reason for having a living wake.
• Get a great cake, or make one if you can. Use candles, celebrate all the past birthdays.
• Serve all the favourite foods of the guest of honour. Start with favourite breakfast, then favourite appetizer, favourite salad, etc, right up to favourite dessert.
• This probably isn't the best time to discuss a will or distribution of assets. But, it is a good time for the guest of honour to give their favourite things to family and friends while they are around to talk about what each favourite thing has meant to them and why they want that person to have it.
• Have a quiet room for anyone who needs to breakaway for a bit and have time to themselves. Not everyone wants to share their sadness.
• Have a guest book for everyone to sign. Give them space for comments. Encourage them to add anything they have written but didn't want to share publicly, with everyone.
• Get at least one group photo, with everyone gathered around. Have disposable cameras on hand in case someone didn't bring their own or doesn't have a camera.

What do you write when someone has died and you want to offer condolences and sympathy? You may not even know the family. It could be someone you worked with and you're expected to sign the card from everyone at work. It could be the family of a close friend and now you need to find something right to say. It's not easy to pick out the right words. We don't want to make a bad impression, say the wrong thing or seem uncaring.

From my Experience

I've been there, as the person writing and the person getting the condolences. From my experience it was best to be kind, keep it short and be honest rather than trying to be nice, polite or neutral.

From my experience, after my Dad died I found many people did not know how to express sympathy or condolences. It's actually not as complicated as they were making it. The best condolences were honest and simple words. One person, in particular, said just the right thing and gave me a new perspective on my own feelings. But, that's not going to happen in most cases.

The friend who had the right words was a good, longtime friend who knew a lot about myself, my life and we had been long time confidants through my divorce too. That kind of friend has a far better chance of knowing the right words.

Here are some ideas, help, and tips to get you through picking the right words to offer your support, sympathy, and encouragement.

When you are sorrowful look again in your heart,
and you shall see that in truth you are weeping
for that which has been your delight.
-Kahil Gibran

Tips for Writing a Sympathy/ Condolence Card

• Mention the loss in some way. Don't send a note that could sound generic. Mention a name if you know it.
• Avoid clichés. They make you seem a little uncaring and less than sincere.
• Keep it short. Unless you are a very close personal friend, stick to just a few words or a couple of sentences.
• Keep it light, think easy reading. Big, dictionary words will just make you sound smug and superior.
• Avoid negativity. Don't complain, claim anything owed or air grievances of your own.
• Be sincere. Don't write anything you don't mean.
• Offer sympathy or condolences but don't say you're sorry. Unless you are somehow responsible for the death.
• Keep religion out of it, unless you know they are religious and which traditions they follow.
• Don't say nothing at all. Even just a simple "thinking of you" is good if you really feel too intimidated, upset or angry.

When it is dark enough, you can see the stars. Then, when it seems we will never smile again... life comes back. - Mark M. Baldwin

Here in Canada and the US people plant flowers still, but the cemeteries don't like it any more. The groundskeepers want to keep it simple and no work. So people take artificial flowers instead. Plastic flowers last better in the rain but tend to blow away and then don't look nice for long. The silk flowers don't handle the weather very well and soon look pretty ragged.

Cut flowers are allowed. But cemeteries will not be responsible for anything like a vase, which the flowers come with. The simplest thing is cut flowers without any accessories. These will not need to be picked up and disposed of as they can usually be cut along with the grass and disposed of along with the grass clippings.

I've gone to the cemetery and collected artificial flowers which had blown away and still looked nice. I brought them back and put them on my kitchen table, in a vase. Some people would think that's in poor taste. But, the groundskeepers will collect the flowers too. Then he or she will throw them all away. I just see my gathering of the flowers as recycling.

Flowers for a Funeral

Typical flowers sent or given at funerals are:

• lilies
• carnations
• gladiolas
• chrysanthemums

Other flowers which work well and last as cut flowers are good choices:

• daisies
• iris
• tulips
• zinnias
• cosmos
• daylilies
• sunflowers
• marigolds

Picking Colours

White flowers are traditional mourning flowers in many countries. My older relatives all disliked white lilies because, for them, they were the flowers of funerals. So, you might not want to go with the traditional colour (or the traditional flower) in every case.

White carnations are pretty traditional too. They have the advantage of being durable, able to last well as a cut flower. Some will also smell nice. But, I've found most of the carnations sold in stores no longer have the cinnamon smell, as I remember it.

Red flowers are meant to show passion, even in death. You would pick red flowers for a husband or wife, or someone else you've been intimate with and don't mind having it known by all.

Purple was a royal colour and a mourning colour as well. In Spring, purple tulips would be suitable for just about anyone, men or women.

Conditioning Cut Flowers

Cut all stems at an angle. This helps them to get water up the stem while they are in the vase/ arrangement. Use sharp scissors or a knife so the cut is clean and you cut it without pinching the end closed. If possible, cut the stem under water.

Remove any foliage (leaves) which touches the water or lies below the waterline. Anything in the water will encourage algae and bacteria which will stink and cause the foliage to rot as well.

Florists will often provide cut flower water additives in a package with the flowers. If you are doing your own arrangement you can create the formula yourself. For every quart of water, add two aspirins, a teaspoon of sugar, and a few drops of bleach.

Check the water often - make sure the flower stems are covered. Change the water about every 5 days. You will probably need to trim your flowers too. Deadhead them and cut more off the stems - anything beginning to rot needs to be cut off.

Keep your flowers out of direct sunlight and avoid heat or cold from any other source. Heat will cause them to wilt sooner.

The best time to cut the flowers in your own garden is the early morning.

Some people add a copper penny to the bottom of the vase but there is so little copper in pennies now, I doubt this advice has the same value. The Canadian Mint stopped making pennies this year even.