In all my time thinking I would have a husband, I never thought I would have an ex-husband.

While I was married I began to enjoy the services of my husband as a backscratcher and back scrubber. It really is nice to find yourself with someone who you can ask to scratch an itch you can't reach yourself. Also, it was great to have someone who could reach your entire back when you wanted to really take the time to exfoliate in the shower.

These are small things but both became important to me once we divorced and I was on my own again.

I wonder how many divorced people (women or men) come across this too. I was really happy to have the whole bed to myself but I did miss having someone who could scratch my back, get that itchy spot or give my whole back a good scrub in the shower. Of everything that comes and goes between two people the back scratching was the one that I thought of first. I guess, in the early days of the divorce, it was only something small and simple which I could focus on.

It's funny that there is even an old saying about "you scratch my back, I'll scratch yours". I wonder if that was really about trades, business and deal making or did it really come from people alone after the end of a personal relationship, a break up or divorce.

Anyway, when you get divorced, sometime after you start to feel something other than numb, you need to learn how to scratch your back. Some people may have children or pets they can train. Some may have family and friends they don't mind asking. But, I didn't want to ask anyone. I wanted to handle it myself rather than feel I needed anyone or would have people thinking I needed them or could not manage on my own. It was a time I was rebuilding myself and getting back onto my feet again. Asking or needing help was something I avoided.

Luckily, there are backscratchers you can buy without committing to anything or having to offer anything in return (other than the purchase price for the retail

A backscratcher and a shower brush were two of the things I bought for myself soon after the divorce. Mainly because I didn't get far trying to reach the area under my shoulder blades and rubbing my back over the corner of the door frame wasn't getting it. I also tried using a pen and even a pair of scissors (closed) but they were risky because I didn't want to draw in ink on myself or end up being scratched too much by the blades of the scissors.

I've seen a few styles of backscratchers but I prefer the wooden type rather than those made of metal. The wood has a softer edge and doesn't get cold. I don't want my back clawed at by a metal backscratcher after all.

In the case of the shower brush I like a stronger brush, not soft and smushy. I keep it hanging from the shower soap dish and always run the hot water over it just before I get out of the shower. Now and then I run it through the dishwasher to make sure it gets a good cleaning between showers.

I keep my backscratcher right at my computer desk. Ready to serve.

Holidays and events should be celebrated whether you are alone or with family and friends. Celebrate yourself being alive! There are moments of excitement. I loved having the whole bed to myself again and deciding what I wanted when it came to grocery shopping.

Getting on With Life After a Divorce

I had a short marriage and a long divorce.

Two people get married and two people get divorced. Does it really matter who starts (or ends) things officially?

In the end you feel battered, empty and less than sane.

Some women get divorced for obvious reasons like domestic violence. This wasn't the problem with my marriage. He just didn't want to remain married.

I don't have a magic answer for divorced women. But, I've been there and come out from the other side. It happens, you have to stay on track, keep going forward and watching one day turn into night and become daylight again.

Give Yourself Permission and Time to be a Wreck

For me I had a real need to go to a specific beach which I remembered from when I was a kid. Ironically, that beach was far, far away from where I was living when I was married and still far enough to be a full day's drive away from where I moved after the divorce. But, I just needed to be there. I still don't know why. Maybe I just needed a goal, something real to pull myself forward through one day to the next.

I bought a car. I used the last of my savings and the money I had kept from my parents (the money they gave me for my wedding). I paid cash, got the paperwork done and then I made my plans, packed and drove away. I spent a weekend in the town near the beach. I liked the drive itself but I knew I was headed to that beach like a migrating bird with a plan.

I didn't find that part of beach right away and it wasn't summer so things were a bit chilly and wet. I drove down as close as I could in the car and then I got out and walked down to the water. I didn't do anything. I stood there awhile and didn't feel anything. I hadn't felt anything for a couple of months. Then I got back into the car and drove into town, found a motel. I went out to find a grocery store so I could get fresh, new shampoo and soap. Some groceries: fruit and cottage cheese to have in the motel room. I like doing that when I take a road trip. Having new soap and shampoo, like a poor woman's day at the spa.

In the morning I began the drive back home. I didn't feel anything different. But, once I got back I applied for (and was happy to get) the first job I applied for. Maybe taking that time made some difference in how I did on the interview. Maybe getting away to that beach broke the ice inside of me enough that I could seem human again. Even though I wasn't feeling it.

Now, I understand how much I really was feeling buried under all my sand, ice, and whatever else. I was angry. Angrier than I could handle feeling.

Become Part of the World Again

Getting that job helped a lot!

So that's lesson two on how to be a divorced woman. Get yourself out there in the world. Be with people again, even when you don't want to. It helps if you put yourself in the path of no resistance. Like a job where you need to be doing things and you just go and do things without thinking about what you're feeling. Don't spend time dwelling on what an emotional wreck you are. Put that in the background so you can keep living.

It takes time to get through your feelings. They are too strong to work out all at once. Talking to people can help but it's not for everyone. Plus, I would not have wanted to even try sharing what I was feeling then. There was too much of it. As time went by and I could feel myself thawing out I knew I was feeling far more than I would ever want to let loose on another person. Too much of almost every emotion.

I don't want it to seem that I never talked to anyone during this time. Of course I did. I had one friend in particular who helped me a lot. She had a lot more experience with men. My husband had been my first big relationship, first time of being physically intimate and my first marriage. She gave me perspective. Which I really needed.

At one point I was sure I was clinically insane. But that was in the very early days when I still felt less than human and frozen. I kept a personal blog those days. At the end of the time, about the time I started the job, I deleted the whole blog. I really regret that. In my life I would say I really don't have any big regrets, but that is one. There is no way I could remember the things I wrote in those days. But, keeping the journal was so important. Essential, really.

Don't Burn Out: Start Letting Some Things Go

I regret deleting that blog and all my angst, rants, tears and fears. But, I know it was a step I took (a big one, as it was not an easy decision to make at the time I did it) towards letting go and moving away from the wreckage, flotsam and jetsam of the divorce.

At some point you need to begin putting space between the person you were when you were married, the person you became as you were divorced and the shiny, new person you are becoming as you stop being an open wound.

You do begin to heal and to forget some of your feelings. Some of it just becomes less important.

I didn't realize how angry I was with my ex-husband until I discovered he had changed his email address and I didn't have the new one. It really bothered me that I might not be able to contact him, or at least have the feeling that he was there on the other end of the Internet. (We had been friends far longer than we were married). At that point, on that day actually, I discovered a lot of anger and let it go. I couldn't hold onto anger when I understood that I couldn't let go of him, our friendship and all that we had been and done together. It won't ever be the same, but it's something I want to keep. Over ten years since the divorce and I'd say he is a friend again. It changed over time, in stages.

Letting go of anger was such an important step in getting my own self back. I think that was when the last of the frozen feeling finally left me. I began not only being in the world again but feeling I was actually there, in the world, again.

Stop Being a Divorced Woman

Last of all, think about who you want to be and put yourself there.

I started this by typing that I was married a short time and divorced a long time. That is how I felt. I was seeing myself as a divorced woman, not a single woman, not a career woman, not a woman even. I put the divorced as front and centre of who I am.

I don't any more.

Now I'm just me. I happen to be divorced. But, it's just one facet of who I am. It's not how I introduce myself.

So that's how I was a divorced woman and how I found my way out of it - to be myself again.

Caught between calm and chaos she holds her head high... Newly found strength, courage and grace confidently guide her.

My ex and I are becoming friends again. It won't ever be the same as the days before we were married or while we were married. But, I didn't like feeling estranged from him. We are far apart in physical distance but we have never been very far apart in friendship. It's hard to let that slip away even after a divorce.

I don't think every couple can go through divorce and keep a friendship. You have to let go of a lot of anger, sadness and other emotions. You even have to forgive things that you can still hear him saying in your mind. You need to let go (or hold less tightly) to things that hurt you so deeply you can almost feel the cracks in your heart, mind and soul. But, for awhile there is just numbness. That's how you pull yourself away at first. You just don't feel anything.

Then you live through the aftermath. The time it takes to rebuild yourself and your life. It takes a lot of energy to rise from your own ashes. I went through a time of wondering if I could ever feel connected to the world again. I journaled through the worst of it. Writing helped sort out my thoughts and pull some of them out of the muck my mind was in.

Then his email bounced, about six months after our divorce. I felt a shock that I might not know where he was, or that I could not contact him any time. That was the moment I reached back and connected with him again. It wasn't friendship right then. It was more like a feeling of loss, not wanting to lose our connection, whatever state it happened to be in at that time.

Now, about ten years later, we are friends. It's not a comfortable friendship where I just say whatever I am thinking and know he will understand. There are things I don't want to say. There are things that have become too personal. I's not as simple and uncomplicated as it had been. Ironic that the person I have been more intimate with than anyone (other than my Mother in a different kind of relationship) is someone I now feel reserved with and unsure. It's not that I don't trust him. I just feel I have to hold back. Burned once... twice shy. I don't believe he would hurt me but the burn mark is there, it hasn't quite gone away.

I am glad the friendship is there. It's worth keeping. My family wonders if we could/ should get back together. I don't like when they ask that. It's like they deny everything I felt and went through. As if it all were nothing. But, I don't say much about any of it to them.

By the time I actually publish/ post this a lot of what is on this screen right now will be edited out. I don't want to hurt my ex-husband or have him feel bad about what I'm feeling or have felt in the past. I am responsible for my own feelings, for what I take seriously and what I brush off. He isn't. In the end, I think that is how you recover from the divorce and re-work the friendship. You just decide what is important and what your priorities are. You don't choose to be bitter, you just choose to be happy.

What else would you call the anniversary of your wedding once you have been divorced? If Alice in Wonderland can have an UnBirthday, I can have an UnWedding Anniversary. So today I did. I was married on December 14th, some year or other. It was a snowy day in a small Illinois town.

Today was another December 14th, not a flake of snow to be found in a large Canadian city. Being in a city has it’s perks on a day like today. I had a bus pass in my pocket, a map in my purse and the city at my feet - for as long as I cared to keep moving. I began by doing what I had done years ago: a long hot shower, some time to pamper myself and a little breakfast. I decided not to shave my legs or wear my wedding attire because this is my day and I’m not out to impress anyone.

There were so many things I thought about doing: a luxurious lunch out, a movie, a trip to the museum, even a bit of retail therapy, but I’m on a tight budget and didn’t want to be out too late and come home in the cold and dark. So I had a fancy coffee, bought chocolates and a lottery ticket. On the way home I gave a homeless woman a donation. I thought about buying myself things I don’t really need. But, I was happy having a day out and feeling kind of pampered and pretty. It was a good hair day and just enough wind to enjoy the sport of hair flipping. Maybe next year I’ll have more adventures.