A flying saucer lands in your backyard. Yeah, those kids next door are practicing juggling with the dishes again. You gather up the remains and take them over. A babysitter is home with the kids. She's cute, chatty and isn't sure what to do with the broken dishes. You stash them in the kitchen sink. Just in case the parents want to try gluing them back together again versus buying yet another new set of dishes.

Walking back to your place the shrubberies are shaking. You hear giggles and squeals with whispers here and there, until you whip around and scare the cooties out of the little brats. Pretty funny. Pretty funny until the real space alien flattens the shrubbery and snarls right in your face.

You can run, but you really should say something first. What witty remark do you make before taking off?

This is going to sound pretty flaky but, sometimes I image aliens (those little green men type guys) are watching me, recording all the knowledge I gain and will some day turn me off. Well, I'm not sure about the turning off part. I'd prefer to think they'll just finish this learning project and move along to something else.

I told you it was flaky. Flakier than a single pie crust made with a whole pound of lard. Why do you think I've never told anyone else about this?

Today I was looking up a word in the dictionary, it wasn't even in the dictionary (that's how smart I'm getting). As I looked I thought about how pleased the aliens would be to learn a new word today. Somedays I wonder if they get bored. I mean, I don't learn something new and exciting every day.

Maybe, the little things I take for granted are monumental to them. Who knows? Certainly not me. I guess the aliens would know. I have no way to ask them. All our communication is one sided. Of course, they don't know I've caught onto their plot. They think I'm just some sort of education cow, or whatever farm animal seems suitable. I don't really like to think of myself as any type of bovine. What women does?

I think their ultimate goal is to have all human knowledge. Even stuff like changing light bulbs and shoveling snow. I don't know what they want to do with all of it. I've never really thought about that side effect. But, for now they just keep watch, picking things out of my grey matter. Luckily I'm not a shut in or someone who doesn't like to read. I also like to explore and experiment, take the odd risk and do things without really thinking them through. I bet they even like that I skim instead of reading every last word.

Does anyone else think they have little aliens in their head, writing down facts and learning English as a second language? Perhaps it's just me. Few people get these flaky sort of thoughts. I think the aliens put them in my head.

I think I'll use this for my BackWash column.