I wanted to add... I drove the old Ford truck today. These days it looks more like something you would leave out in the back 40 acres for picking up hay bales now and then. It does seem to run ok though, I didn't have any trouble with it. I thought I might when I got my first real look at it. I hadn't seen it since Todd and I drove around in it before I started moving down there. I guess that is 3 years ago, or more. Poor old truck, I felt sorry for it.

It was "interesting" to drive. I can't pick another word. Not challenging exactly, I didn't have any real problems. It was exciting really. All that horse power and the hugeness of the truck itself. Rufus, as I began to call him, could easily drive right over most of those other cars on the road and I would have just though I hit a pot hole.

On the deserted backroad, well paved but no cars or houses, I let Rufus have his head. I could tell he wanted to all day, he was just holding back. I took it up to just over 120 k. Rufus is old but I could tell he would have liked me to let him race along and hit that 140 K mark where the speedometer ends and its just Rufus and the bare roadway ahead. But I held him back, images of small animals and the every possible pedestrians pushing themselves into my mind. But driving Rufus was fun, if a little too exciting around some of those corners. Rufus just has so much power, one tap on the gas and he wants to fly off the handle.

I'd definitely take Rufus out on another date again. Beat up as he is, he had a powerful, masterly style. I told him, if he was a real man I'd probably go for him, all the way.

Looking Over My Shoulder

Sometimes you just should not look back.

I got reading that old stuff about the visa/ greencard stuff tonight. Maybe its time to take that page down now. I guess its still a resource for some people though, it continues to get at least 10 hits a week. But I had a lot of mixed feelings looking back at the woman who wrote all of that. Would it have been better to have turned around and never looked back? That time I was stopped and searched at the border, before we started the visa process, I could have just gone on with my life, keeping Todd as a friend. I had doubts then but I passed them off as the doubts everyone has, "who is ever sure about marriage" my Mom told me.

I guess I have my answer now. Mom has started talking about me looking online for another guy. I might like meeting someone, but I don't even want to try to trust them. Maybe that changes. Its only been a week since I moved back here. Anyway, I'm tired about thinking about what I'm feeling or if its ok to feel what I'm feeling or if I'm being overly dramatic or just overly sensitive. Is there ever a time when you are allowed to feel anything at all?

Its nearly midnight, when I'm asleep I'm dead to the world.

A lot of what I think about men and women comes back to the grooming issue. Do I really hate shaving my legs, wearing make-up (the whole girly girl thing) that much? Maybe I just resent them for pushing this lifestyle on us and making us feel less than a woman if we don't adhere to all of it.

Today I was looking at my arms. Not the pit hair, just that lighter hair that has always been there on my arms. I never thought about shaving it. But, a few weeks ago Todd said something about that dark hair on my arms and I happened to read some magazine or hear some yappy TV show about it too. Is that the latest thing we women are all supposed to become insecure about? Oh my gosh! I have hair growing on my arms!!!

When does it get to the point where we are just allowed to be women and exist as ourselves? I don't want to push myself into someone else's image of what a woman should be. I am a woman, I was born a girl and grew into a woman naturally, on my own, without any help from styling gels, hot wax or unnatural diets. I am a woman not because I'm girly girl but because I am a woman.

For the second time in recent history I have poured cold water through the coffee grounds, thinking I had boiled it. But, I forgot to turn on the electric kettle and just assumed it was boiled after sufficient time and poured it through, only to watch the coffee come through looking like weak dishwater (or tea). I decided not to throw the grounds away, just hope it will still taste like coffee.

Ready to Move?

Looking around here I still have things to do. Always seems more to do than I at first thought. I forgot there are some Rubbermaid type containers under the bed. I think I had them almost empty at one point but I don't remember for sure now. Todd is still sleeping so I will have to wait to pull them out later. Behind my chair right now is a green box full of stuff too. I forget what is in there, more paperness I know, but not what kind. Hopefully more that I can toss rather than keep. The pile of kept stuff is getting bigger than the throw away. Though its hard to be sure since the throw away is being tossed out at least once a day so its not stockpiled somewhere to be compared.

I can smell the coffee, brewed and ready for consumption. Funny how that was a deadly disease not so long ago.

Hopefully today is the day my Mom will arrive with the truck. It could be tomorrow though. I will be so glad to have the truck packed up and ready to go. I'm so ready to go, to get on the road and be away.

I've got everything ready really. Just a few odds and ends to finish up and I need to pack an overnight bag for along the road.

I'm still thinking about that scanner I saw at WalMart. It looks like its not available in Canada. But, it would be a bit bad to buy it now when there are so many other things more important which I need to spend money on. Yet, I would love to have a scanner for my websites. I could even scan in a nice looking picture of myself for the HerPlanet managers pages. All I have now is a horrible looking Immigration picture we took for all that paperwork. By the time we took that picture (one of twenty in the process) I had long ago stopped smiling.

Anyway, Todd is still in bed and I guess we will see what the day will bring. I'm going to make myself some coffee (still have coffee cream and ground beans, enough for another pot or two). It's a nice kind of coffee too, French Vanilla Creme.

Being a woman means never having your own name - never really claiming an identity and always being a transient among people with IDs.

At the divorce hearing (is that what they call it?) the judge asked a couple of times about my last name, if I'm changing back to my maiden name. I didn't put a lot of thought into the whole name thing this time. I thought more about it before the marriage.

There was a time when I had decided I would keep my family name when I married. When I told Todd this, before we were married he was surprised that I would even suggest such a thing. He wouldn't even consider that I wouldn't take his name. I don't know why I took his name when we got married. Maybe the simple answer is that I just caved. I remembered all the times my sisters and I talked about having a better name than Brown. Better sounding, more interesting, etc. But, by the time I wasn't a kid any more I appreciated Brown, it's easy to spell all those times I have to give my name for something or other. It's plain but natural too. So, if it wasn't dramatic, it was at least dependable.

Here I am, at another name crossroads. I chose to keep Tripp. I don't feel I can go back to being Brown again. I'm not that same person, the girl I was. Neither name feels like it belongs to me, neither feels a part of me. When I think about the name thing I feel like I have no identity, no name, no home. That's why I wrote that quote above a few weeks ago.

At least I still have my first name, they can't take that away from me.

Trying to Get Through More Paper Stuff

Maybe I will be leaving this week still. I hope so. I have mostly everything packed, some I'm waiting to pack until I know I will be leaving. Some I'm trying to sort through and get rid of more of it. So much is just clutter. Maybe I will make use of it in my writing and maybe I never will. How can you tell and how can you through something good away. I'm trying. I wish I could live more nomadically, just a box of a few things and a pack on my back to move with me. How idea that sounds. Instead I have all kinds of stuff and each time I think about how its too much I realize all the reasons I can't just give it up too easily.

"To make your ideas work for you, you first have to work for them." Thomas Alva Edison.

"It is a terrible thing, this kindness that human beings do not lose. Terrible because when we are finally naked in the dark and cold, it is all we have. We who are so rich, so full of strength, wind up with that small change. We have nothing else to give." Urula K. Le Guin.

"Success is a journey, not a destination." Ben Sweetland.

"Happiness is not a state to arrive at, but rather a manner of traveling." Samuel Johnson.

"Make voyages. Attempt them. There's nothing else." Tennessee Williams.

"Any road is bound to arrive somewhere if you follow it far enough."Patricia Wentworth.

"A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step." Chinese proverb.

"Adventure is worthwhile in itself." Amelia Earhart.

"The cream of enjoyment in this life is always impromptu. The chance walk; the unexpected visit; the unpremeditated journey; the unsought conversation or acquaintance." Fanny Fern.

"Give curiousity freedom." Eudora Welty.

"Nothing ventured, nothing gained." Geoffrey Chaucer.

"In the long run the pessimist may be proved to be right, but the optimist has a better time on the trip." Daniel L. Reardon.

"The end is nothing; the road is all." Willa Cather.

"Whatever wrinkles I got, I enjoyed getting them." Ava Gardner.

"Nature gives you the face you have when you are twenty. Life shapes the face you have at thirty. But it is up to you to earn the face you have at fifty." Coco Chanel.

"Do not deprive me of my age. I have earned it." May Sarton.

"Age is all imagination. Ignore years and they'll ignore you." Ella Wheeler-Wilcox.

"we are always the same age inside." Gertrude Stein

"The great thing about getting older is that you don't lose all the other ages you've been." Madeleine L'Engle.

Likely someone has written revised lyrics for that "I'm getting married in the morning" song. I thought about it but I have too much to do and my mind doesn't settle on one thing for very long these days.

Anyway, today is the day. In a few minutes I am expecting my husband, Todd, to honk the car horn from downstairs and then we are going to the local court house here in southern Illinois to sign divorce papers and make everything all legal and official and dry as burnt toast.

Thus ends a big chunk of my life. A lot of child bearing years flushed away with nothing much to show for them. I'm bitter, I'm depressed, I'm angry and I'm afraid I will never trust anyone of the male species again. It's sad that I still want to. Still want to find someone to trust, to love, to admire, to laugh and cry with over the good and bad things in life. I want very much to build a happy life with someone. But, I'm 37 now. Maybe too old for having kids. Could I keep up with them, could I be patient enough and could they be born healthy now so late in my child bearing life? So many questions and never any answers but to keep turning the page and see what the next day will bring.

I better finish getting ready. I'm sitting here dripping from the shower, just wanted to have a before the divorce entry in my new blog. :) I still have a lot to do in setting it all up. But at least I changed the template to one with a better font. The colours need work but I can do that tonight, after the divorce.