They've just started that song, "Let me be your Hero", on the radio station I'm listening to. That was the song of my divorce. I'll never be able to hear that song without feeling near tears or some other emotion. So much to feel for just a few words.

Part of it all is that I doubt I'll ever have any of that. Too old, too un-pretty, too hard to trust or believe, too unlikely that anyone will look at me that way.

Would you dance If I asked you to dance? Would you run And never look back? Would you cry If you saw me crying? And would you save my soul, tonight?

Would you tremble If I touched your lips? Would you laugh? Oh please tell me this. Now would you die For the one you loved? Hold me in your arms, tonight.

I can be your hero, baby. I can kiss away the pain. I will stand by you forever. You can take my breath away.

Would you swear That you'll always be mine? Or would you lie? would you run and hide? Am I in too deep? Have I lost my mind? I don't care... You're here tonight.

I can be your hero, baby. I can kiss away the pain. I will stand by you forever. You can take my breath away.

Oh, I just want to hold you. I just want to hold you. Am I in too deep? Have I lost my mind? Well I don't care... You're here tonight.

I can be your hero, baby. I can kiss away the pain. I will stand by you forever. You can take my breath away. I can be your hero. I can kiss away the pain. And I will stand by you forever. You can take my breath away. You can take my breath away.

Listening to that song is like picking at a big scab and wondering how long it would take to bleed to death.

I am the wind beneath many wings. I'd like to sprout some wings of my own but they seem to be taking my own sweet time. But, it's not so bad being the wind.

My ex-husband needed wind. We met as pen pals when we were both 14. I saw his ad for a pen pal in a pen pal zine. He wrote about being a science fiction lover, that's really all I remember. He was looking for friends, nothing romantic. So I wrote cause I didn't want romance either.

It wasn't till much later, after years of keeping the letter writing communication going, that I found out he was agoraphobic. It was something that grew in him over time. He went to school, finished high school, applied to college. But that's where it stopped. You'd have to talk to him for the specifics. But, to me, it seemed a lack of confidence, to make it simple. Of course, nothing like that is ever so simple.

Anyway, when we met face to face we were in our early 30's. I stayed just a day, didn't even see him in the morning as I left back for my home in Canada. It was a very long drive (down to southern Illinois) for such a short visit. But, that was the start in our next phase. He began to change, I helped. Maybe my ignorance of agoraphobia helped too. To me it seemed he just needed to get over thinking everyone was looking at him or even cared who he was or what he looked like. So, he started making trips out and about. Eventually, he made the big trip up to Canada to visit me.

After that I was the trippy one. I went back and forth from Canada to the US many times. All of it as an illegal alien. When I did get stopped at the border that put us into the next phase. But between then he had already gone through a big metamorphosis. He was working full time, driving a car, getting out a lot more and being his own person, not so afraid of the world, the people walking around on it.

I've been other people's wind too. Right now I'm mentoring a columnist at BackWash. She doesn't really need me but if nothing else I'm helping her find her feet around how things work. There are others here and there who I give a little wind, an encouraging word or a bit of cheer when it helps. Over all the years of my life I can look back and see I was a lot of people's wind beneath their wings. Most of it small stuff, but the odd case where I really did help someone accomplish more than they thought they could or would.

It's great helping people. But, in the end it's lonely. That's the problem with being the wind. Once someone has their wings they tend to fly away. Not that I want them to come back really. I like watching them soar.

-- This is what I have just written for my next update at BackWash. Not sure how Todd will like it when he reads it. He has never liked having himself revealed. Me on the other hand.... I feel like I'm writing to a flock of strangers.

Talking about ourselves seems so boring at times. I think it's that inferiority complex thing. Everything some one else is doing seems so much more interesting and worthwhile that whatever we are doing ourselves.

My sister is having her second baby on Thursday. That's my biggest news and it's not even about me, directly.

I have a hundred things I need to be doing but this cold is sucking the life out of me. I coughed so much at work I was feeling light headed. Then, in the car I coughed so much there was actual leakage in another area. I had to go home instead of taking a trip to Chapters for an hour after work. Being sick really messes things up.

New ASCII Collection

I'm working on HerCorner tonight. I got the OK to put up an ASCII art gallery there. I had it already started on my personal site. But, I'm moving it to HerCorner for the traffic boost. The ASCII art part of my site has always done well, about 200 hits a week. I really need to get back to doing more ASCII. It must be boring seeing the same stuff every time they come.

It's after 1:00 am. If not for the insanity I would already be in bed. I work at 9:00 am and it's not a short day like today. I've washed the uniform all I need to do is log off the Internet. Silly me, I seem to have forgotten how to do that.

August is pretty sad looking. I haven't felt like writing. Nothing seems to be working out and life is just plodding along, taking me along with it. I wrote a few columns in BackWash but this is more personal and I just didn't have the spirit left to put something into this, the weblog.

My sister's baby shower is this weekend. I haven't told anyone how depressed this is making me feel. I don't even want to write about it.

Lot's of stuff on my mind but that's all I want to put into print.