My ex and I are becoming friends again. It won't ever be the same as the days before we were married or while we were married. But, I didn't like feeling estranged from him. We are far apart in physical distance but we have never been very far apart in friendship. It's hard to let that slip away even after a divorce.

I don't think every couple can go through divorce and keep a friendship. You have to let go of a lot of anger, sadness and other emotions. You even have to forgive things that you can still hear him saying in your mind. You need to let go (or hold less tightly) to things that hurt you so deeply you can almost feel the cracks in your heart, mind and soul. But, for awhile there is just numbness. That's how you pull yourself away at first. You just don't feel anything.

Then you live through the aftermath. The time it takes to rebuild yourself and your life. It takes a lot of energy to rise from your own ashes. I went through a time of wondering if I could ever feel connected to the world again. I journaled through the worst of it. Writing helped sort out my thoughts and pull some of them out of the muck my mind was in.

Then his email bounced, about six months after our divorce. I felt a shock that I might not know where he was, or that I could not contact him any time. That was the moment I reached back and connected with him again. It wasn't friendship right then. It was more like a feeling of loss, not wanting to lose our connection, whatever state it happened to be in at that time.

Now, about ten years later, we are friends. It's not a comfortable friendship where I just say whatever I am thinking and know he will understand. There are things I don't want to say. There are things that have become too personal. I's not as simple and uncomplicated as it had been. Ironic that the person I have been more intimate with than anyone (other than my Mother in a different kind of relationship) is someone I now feel reserved with and unsure. It's not that I don't trust him. I just feel I have to hold back. Burned once... twice shy. I don't believe he would hurt me but the burn mark is there, it hasn't quite gone away.

I am glad the friendship is there. It's worth keeping. My family wonders if we could/ should get back together. I don't like when they ask that. It's like they deny everything I felt and went through. As if it all were nothing. But, I don't say much about any of it to them.

By the time I actually publish/ post this a lot of what is on this screen right now will be edited out. I don't want to hurt my ex-husband or have him feel bad about what I'm feeling or have felt in the past. I am responsible for my own feelings, for what I take seriously and what I brush off. He isn't. In the end, I think that is how you recover from the divorce and re-work the friendship. You just decide what is important and what your priorities are. You don't choose to be bitter, you just choose to be happy.

They've just started that song, "Let me be your Hero", on the radio station I'm listening to. That was the song of my divorce. I'll never be able to hear that song without feeling near tears or some other emotion. So much to feel for just a few words.

Part of it all is that I doubt I'll ever have any of that. Too old, too un-pretty, too hard to trust or believe, too unlikely that anyone will look at me that way.

Would you dance If I asked you to dance? Would you run And never look back? Would you cry If you saw me crying? And would you save my soul, tonight?

Would you tremble If I touched your lips? Would you laugh? Oh please tell me this. Now would you die For the one you loved? Hold me in your arms, tonight.

I can be your hero, baby. I can kiss away the pain. I will stand by you forever. You can take my breath away.

Would you swear That you'll always be mine? Or would you lie? would you run and hide? Am I in too deep? Have I lost my mind? I don't care... You're here tonight.

I can be your hero, baby. I can kiss away the pain. I will stand by you forever. You can take my breath away.

Oh, I just want to hold you. I just want to hold you. Am I in too deep? Have I lost my mind? Well I don't care... You're here tonight.

I can be your hero, baby. I can kiss away the pain. I will stand by you forever. You can take my breath away. I can be your hero. I can kiss away the pain. And I will stand by you forever. You can take my breath away. You can take my breath away.

Listening to that song is like picking at a big scab and wondering how long it would take to bleed to death.

I am the wind beneath many wings. I'd like to sprout some wings of my own but they seem to be taking my own sweet time. But, it's not so bad being the wind.

My ex-husband needed wind. We met as pen pals when we were both 14. I saw his ad for a pen pal in a pen pal zine. He wrote about being a science fiction lover, that's really all I remember. He was looking for friends, nothing romantic. So I wrote cause I didn't want romance either.

It wasn't till much later, after years of keeping the letter writing communication going, that I found out he was agoraphobic. It was something that grew in him over time. He went to school, finished high school, applied to college. But that's where it stopped. You'd have to talk to him for the specifics. But, to me, it seemed a lack of confidence, to make it simple. Of course, nothing like that is ever so simple.

Anyway, when we met face to face we were in our early 30's. I stayed just a day, didn't even see him in the morning as I left back for my home in Canada. It was a very long drive (down to southern Illinois) for such a short visit. But, that was the start in our next phase. He began to change, I helped. Maybe my ignorance of agoraphobia helped too. To me it seemed he just needed to get over thinking everyone was looking at him or even cared who he was or what he looked like. So, he started making trips out and about. Eventually, he made the big trip up to Canada to visit me.

After that I was the trippy one. I went back and forth from Canada to the US many times. All of it as an illegal alien. When I did get stopped at the border that put us into the next phase. But between then he had already gone through a big metamorphosis. He was working full time, driving a car, getting out a lot more and being his own person, not so afraid of the world, the people walking around on it.

I've been other people's wind too. Right now I'm mentoring a columnist at BackWash. She doesn't really need me but if nothing else I'm helping her find her feet around how things work. There are others here and there who I give a little wind, an encouraging word or a bit of cheer when it helps. Over all the years of my life I can look back and see I was a lot of people's wind beneath their wings. Most of it small stuff, but the odd case where I really did help someone accomplish more than they thought they could or would.

It's great helping people. But, in the end it's lonely. That's the problem with being the wind. Once someone has their wings they tend to fly away. Not that I want them to come back really. I like watching them soar.

-- This is what I have just written for my next update at BackWash. Not sure how Todd will like it when he reads it. He has never liked having himself revealed. Me on the other hand.... I feel like I'm writing to a flock of strangers.

Talking about ourselves seems so boring at times. I think it's that inferiority complex thing. Everything some one else is doing seems so much more interesting and worthwhile that whatever we are doing ourselves.

My sister is having her second baby on Thursday. That's my biggest news and it's not even about me, directly.

I have a hundred things I need to be doing but this cold is sucking the life out of me. I coughed so much at work I was feeling light headed. Then, in the car I coughed so much there was actual leakage in another area. I had to go home instead of taking a trip to Chapters for an hour after work. Being sick really messes things up.

New ASCII Collection

I'm working on HerCorner tonight. I got the OK to put up an ASCII art gallery there. I had it already started on my personal site. But, I'm moving it to HerCorner for the traffic boost. The ASCII art part of my site has always done well, about 200 hits a week. I really need to get back to doing more ASCII. It must be boring seeing the same stuff every time they come.

It's after 1:00 am. If not for the insanity I would already be in bed. I work at 9:00 am and it's not a short day like today. I've washed the uniform all I need to do is log off the Internet. Silly me, I seem to have forgotten how to do that.