It seems a very long time ago but, I was a candystriper at the local hospital. If you consider volunteering a job, candystriping was my first job. I had done other things to make money before that, but not in that day to day reporting for a job kind of way.

My favourite candystriping job was working on the main information and greeting desk at the hospital entrance. We were asked for change for the parking meters and phones more than anything else. But we also directed traffic to the right floor, looked up patient room numbers, took phone calls that the switchboard couldn't immediately direct to the right room.

I also worked as an escort, taking people from their room out to the front door where people were picking them up to take them home. I also took a library cart around to the patient rooms. I delivered and set up the little televisions in the rooms too. I never liked having to collect the money when people forgot or just didn't want to pay for it.

There were other jobs the candystripers did. I forget most of them now. We had the run of the hospital and could go almost anywhere. The place I most liked to go was the very top floor of the hospital. Not the roof, but the floor just one under it. It was never finished being built and didn't even have glass in the windows. Being so high up we could look out over the whole area. I was sure I could see my intersection at the highway. Mostly it was a sea of trees and forest.

What is a Candy Striper?

• Candy Striper & Hospital Volunteer Career Profile

• What is a Candy Striper?

Afterwards

Later I went on to volunteer in other types of businesses and charities. I currently volunteer at a medical charity (again). No uniform this time around, just a lanyard and a name card.

I still have my old candystriping uniform around somewhere. All my badges for volunteer hours are still pinned to the shoulder strap. After 100 hours we got a red bar to pin on our uniforms. I had three of them and then they changed the rewards to something else. I forget what it was now. Not something we could pin on anyway.

My Mother had hopes I would become a nurse after my candystriping days. But, I never wanted to be in the medical field.

Candystriper Paper Doll, 1965

Holidays and events should be celebrated whether you are alone or with family and friends. Celebrate yourself being alive! There are moments of excitement. I loved having the whole bed to myself again and deciding what I wanted when it came to grocery shopping.

Getting on With Life After a Divorce

I had a short marriage and a long divorce.

Two people get married and two people get divorced. Does it really matter who starts (or ends) things officially?

In the end you feel battered, empty and less than sane.

Some women get divorced for obvious reasons like domestic violence. This wasn't the problem with my marriage. He just didn't want to remain married.

I don't have a magic answer for divorced women. But, I've been there and come out from the other side. It happens, you have to stay on track, keep going forward and watching one day turn into night and become daylight again.

Give Yourself Permission and Time to be a Wreck

For me I had a real need to go to a specific beach which I remembered from when I was a kid. Ironically, that beach was far, far away from where I was living when I was married and still far enough to be a full day's drive away from where I moved after the divorce. But, I just needed to be there. I still don't know why. Maybe I just needed a goal, something real to pull myself forward through one day to the next.

I bought a car. I used the last of my savings and the money I had kept from my parents (the money they gave me for my wedding). I paid cash, got the paperwork done and then I made my plans, packed and drove away. I spent a weekend in the town near the beach. I liked the drive itself but I knew I was headed to that beach like a migrating bird with a plan.

I didn't find that part of beach right away and it wasn't summer so things were a bit chilly and wet. I drove down as close as I could in the car and then I got out and walked down to the water. I didn't do anything. I stood there awhile and didn't feel anything. I hadn't felt anything for a couple of months. Then I got back into the car and drove into town, found a motel. I went out to find a grocery store so I could get fresh, new shampoo and soap. Some groceries: fruit and cottage cheese to have in the motel room. I like doing that when I take a road trip. Having new soap and shampoo, like a poor woman's day at the spa.

In the morning I began the drive back home. I didn't feel anything different. But, once I got back I applied for (and was happy to get) the first job I applied for. Maybe taking that time made some difference in how I did on the interview. Maybe getting away to that beach broke the ice inside of me enough that I could seem human again. Even though I wasn't feeling it.

Now, I understand how much I really was feeling buried under all my sand, ice, and whatever else. I was angry. Angrier than I could handle feeling.

Become Part of the World Again

Getting that job helped a lot!

So that's lesson two on how to be a divorced woman. Get yourself out there in the world. Be with people again, even when you don't want to. It helps if you put yourself in the path of no resistance. Like a job where you need to be doing things and you just go and do things without thinking about what you're feeling. Don't spend time dwelling on what an emotional wreck you are. Put that in the background so you can keep living.

It takes time to get through your feelings. They are too strong to work out all at once. Talking to people can help but it's not for everyone. Plus, I would not have wanted to even try sharing what I was feeling then. There was too much of it. As time went by and I could feel myself thawing out I knew I was feeling far more than I would ever want to let loose on another person. Too much of almost every emotion.

I don't want it to seem that I never talked to anyone during this time. Of course I did. I had one friend in particular who helped me a lot. She had a lot more experience with men. My husband had been my first big relationship, first time of being physically intimate and my first marriage. She gave me perspective. Which I really needed.

At one point I was sure I was clinically insane. But that was in the very early days when I still felt less than human and frozen. I kept a personal blog those days. At the end of the time, about the time I started the job, I deleted the whole blog. I really regret that. In my life I would say I really don't have any big regrets, but that is one. There is no way I could remember the things I wrote in those days. But, keeping the journal was so important. Essential, really.

Don't Burn Out: Start Letting Some Things Go

I regret deleting that blog and all my angst, rants, tears and fears. But, I know it was a step I took (a big one, as it was not an easy decision to make at the time I did it) towards letting go and moving away from the wreckage, flotsam and jetsam of the divorce.

At some point you need to begin putting space between the person you were when you were married, the person you became as you were divorced and the shiny, new person you are becoming as you stop being an open wound.

You do begin to heal and to forget some of your feelings. Some of it just becomes less important.

I didn't realize how angry I was with my ex-husband until I discovered he had changed his email address and I didn't have the new one. It really bothered me that I might not be able to contact him, or at least have the feeling that he was there on the other end of the Internet. (We had been friends far longer than we were married). At that point, on that day actually, I discovered a lot of anger and let it go. I couldn't hold onto anger when I understood that I couldn't let go of him, our friendship and all that we had been and done together. It won't ever be the same, but it's something I want to keep. Over ten years since the divorce and I'd say he is a friend again. It changed over time, in stages.

Letting go of anger was such an important step in getting my own self back. I think that was when the last of the frozen feeling finally left me. I began not only being in the world again but feeling I was actually there, in the world, again.

Stop Being a Divorced Woman

Last of all, think about who you want to be and put yourself there.

I started this by typing that I was married a short time and divorced a long time. That is how I felt. I was seeing myself as a divorced woman, not a single woman, not a career woman, not a woman even. I put the divorced as front and centre of who I am.

I don't any more.

Now I'm just me. I happen to be divorced. But, it's just one facet of who I am. It's not how I introduce myself.

So that's how I was a divorced woman and how I found my way out of it - to be myself again.

Caught between calm and chaos she holds her head high... Newly found strength, courage and grace confidently guide her.

It's Not About Bashing Men, or Fatherhood

Note: I'm not writing this to bash men or protest Father's Day. This is not anti-Fathers, it's just about Father's Day and giving some space to people who don't have the same appreciation for Father's Day which will be promoted all over the place, online and offline, over this weekend.

Some people will be feeling sad to have no Father around for Father's Day tomorrow. I won't be one of them. My Dad is dead, about 6 years ago I think.

We didn't get along. I was a kid at the time so it really was his choice. Like most family relationships, it's complicated and I never felt ok with him not really liking me until after he was dead. I don't want to go into more detail about our relationship. But, I did think it would be nice to share what I have felt and thought and concluded about the Father-less Father's Day for people like myself. From SomeEcards

My Own Anti-Father's Day Story

First of all, I don't miss my Dad. I do think it's sad he isn't still here - for his own sake. At the time he died I didn't feel much of anything. I thought I should at least be sad and later I was. Actually sad, not faking it or trying to make anyone else feel good. I didn't understand my sadness. Wasn't I finally able to get out from under his influence? A friend told me I was probably feeling sad because now nothing could ever change. He could never change. He could never tell me he didn't mean the stuff he said. He could never have a pleasant conversation with me. He could never do a single thing to make things better, or even different from what they were.

Anyway, that is something I think about this Father's Day. I feel sad for him to not be here (for his sake) and I feel sorry (for him) that nothing can ever be any different. He won't ever have a loving daughter and I won't ever have a Dad I want to spend time with on Father's Day.

Having a Father-less Father's Day

If you have a Father-less Father's Day you may just ignore the whole weekend and go on as if it were no special day at all.

I don't think you should. Whether you liked your Father or not, he was still someone in your life. Whether he left you with good feelings or no feelings at all, you don't really and truly forget him. I don't think we even want to forget him. He will always be some part of who we are.

Do something he can't do. Go out and enjoy your day. Take a walk, get a latte, buy a new book, play with your own kids (if you have them).

### Maybe You Should Call Him?...

When someone tells you they don't get along with their Father, especially over this Father's Day weekend, don't suggest they call him. Don't make it seem that things can all be patched up and worked out like in some movie.

Life isn't like a movie. Don't make people feel their feelings are not valid just because they don't fit into the sunny side of life.

Not every situation can be worked out by sending a Father's Day card. Not everything can be forgiven or accepted just because of a phone call.

Don't give free advice and ignore the real feelings people have had.

Am I Angry?

Not so much. I think the anger burnt out long ago. I resent him. He left me with a lot of baggage.

But, it takes a lot of energy to carry around anger and hate. So I just don't bother.

It makes my life that much simpler.

I haven't found anyone else writing about Father's Day for people who didn't like their Dad. I guess we are just supposed to quietly not talk about it. Well, I'm talking about it. I know I'm not the only one feeling this way.

People expect a cashier to be friendly, quick and accurate. Cashiers try to be all of those but it's not so simple. The job of cashier is not as simplistic as it seems on the surface, from the other side of the retail counter.

Cashiers will gripe about customers. You can read about that online if you want to. I actually liked being a cashier (most of the time) and I found nearly all my customers were easy to work with. The focus of the cashier is the transaction. Make sure the customer has what they need and be friendly but we always have the store management looking over our shoulder too. The store will tell cashiers the customer is their first priority but, that isn't what they really mean. For me this was the part of working in customer service which I did not like.

Overall, I did like helping people, making sure they left with what they needed and (if I was having a good day) I could even see them leave the store feeling better than when they came in.

The following are points which can help both the cashier and the customer. If you want a speedier check out, friendlier service or more service read all of this and keep it in mind next time you are shopping. You can help yourself to get more from the cashier, if you plan ahead and use some common courtesy for the cashier and your fellow shoppers too.

Conversation

Conversation is nice. It breaks up my day and cashiers are encouraged to interact with customers. But, we also get pressure to keep the line moving, to not say the wrong thing and promote more purchases. As a cashier conversation is tricky.

I had to learn to ignore the line up. There was no other way to be friendly and not feel over pressured, impatient or rushed. I did have customers who came in and ended up staying too long. I was good at starting a conversation and... I really did get personal satisfaction in turning someone's mood around.

Still, the management would put pressure on me to use this time to get people to buy more, apply for credit cards, gift cards and so on.

Also, cashiers are given a formula and the management does not like it when cashiers stray from that formula. Skipping steps, taking extra time with customers are not appreciated by management. Yet, they also tell us to make the customer feel welcome, appreciated and not rushed.

Bags and Packing

Packing up items was something I grew to like. It became a challenge to fit everything in just right, in good order, safely without making the bag too heavy - or using too many bags.

I've since seen some creative bag packing when I am a shopper. One cashier put the heavy bags of milk (that's how it comes in Ontario) on the bottom and the eggs on top. Creative... but not so practical. Milk tends to flop around in a bag. Eggs, being lighter, tend to sink lower in the bag. This is not such a great combination in one bag. Maybe the cashier was bored and wanted to pay a game. I caught it and was careful how I got that bag out to the car, up the stairs and into the house. Someone else probably had broken eggs.

Packing up bags isn't just important for groceries. Clothing needs to be folded and not put in the same bag with anything possibly leaking or heavy. No one wants to get home and discover their laundry soap was not capped as well as they thought in the bag.

Bagging is an art. A creative art but a science too.

You can help the cashier and make it go faster by putting things out in order. Keep frozen stuff together. Keep light and heavy things sorted out. You don't have to think too much, just be aware in case your cashier isn't.

If you change your mind about something while at the check out just give it to the cashier. We have a place under the counter for anything like that. Please don't leave items around the counter, on candy shelves and such - especially groceries which can spoil or small items which roll under something or be stepped on/ tripped over by someone else.

Give the Cashier Some Space (Especially When you're Sick)

Please, if you are shopping because you took the day off work due to illness - please don't lean in to talk to me. Please wash your hands and don't touch me. I only get paid if I show up for work. This means any sick days I take off due to illnesses I catch from customers cost me money. This means I'm making even less per week at what is already not a well paid job.

If you must go shopping when you are sick - keep your germs to yourself.

I don't really understand why people want to come out to stores when they could be home watching televisions, goofing around online or just enjoying a day to themselves while everyone else is at school or work. But, many, many, many people do wind up visiting cashiers and sharing their colds, viruses, bacteria, infections.

At the very least - don't lean in close or take hold of my sleeve to draw me near to you when you know you're sick with something contagious.

On a side note, don't lean on the counter from behind me either. Sick or not. When the store is busy and line ups are packed the last thing an over-worked cashier needs is to feel she has no space, is crowded and become claustrophobic This happened to me during one Christmas holiday. People kept pressing in closer and closer and then some guy, leaning on the half wall next to me, actually jabbed his elbow into my head (accidentally but he did not even bother to see if I was ok). It was all I could do to last to the end of my shift that day, actually my shift plus an extra four hours for another cashier who didn't show up.

Overall, please respect the cashier and give her (or him) some space.

Don't Ask or Expect the Cashier to Leave the Register/ Counter

Understand that I am not supposed to (or allowed) to leave my register unless I have signed off. I can not leave to help you carry things out to your car, or pick up something broken or any other of a thousand things. This is especially true if I am the only cashier at the time. Try the customer service desk, if there is one.

I would like to help you. I would really like to get away from standing hours in the same place too. But, I'm just a cog in the wheel and I can't abandon my counter or cash register until I sign out and leave it locked with another cashier available to keep working.

Of course, there are exceptions for emergencies. But, even then I have to lock up because I will be held responsible if I don't.

Please don't abandon your shopping cart in the way of other shoppers after you have gone through the line. I will have to sign out of the register and walk around (usually the long way) and then return the cart to where ever it needs to go. This holds up the line but I can't have people tripping over the cart or letting it be cluttering up the front of the store.

Sale Prices and Damaged Goods

A cashier should study the store flyer, the sales for the week before she starts for the day. However, this does not always happen during holiday rushes. I was often asked to start an hour early and stay an hour or four late. My breaks were cut to five minutes instead of 15 due to things beyond my control. There was no time to study the sale prices until I was actually behind the counter with customers who expected me to already know the sales.

If you have a flyer with the sale price bring it up. That did help. The store I worked at would allow the cashiers some discrepancy about sale prices, damaged goods and just promoting good feelings with customers.

Do not throw a fit and become loud and demanding. Trust me, this does not actually work with every cashier. It never worked with me. I would just become angry myself and politely deny all their requests and demands. I did not owe them a sale price just because they insisted they were right (when they had only their own say-so).

Have your coupons ready. If you want to do price matching tell me at the start of the transaction. This makes it easier for me to sort things out for the computer. Some stores may still want coupons processed differently, in a manual way. So this will take extra time but it is not a bother - if you give us notice. Lately I have seen stores which are able to jut scan the coupons and the computer catches the items and adds the sale price. The department store I worked at was a bit hit or miss this way. I would make sure the sale price went through if I knew about it ahead.

Don't Interrupt Another Customer Unless someone has passed out in line, or a child is lost or a fire has broken out... it is really very disrespectful and impolite to interrupt another customer when they are being served. I never liked this, it was boorish and rude and though I could not ignore the person, I would not drop everything to help them either

If you need directions or some other assistance find a store employee who is available. In my case, the customer service desk was just steps away but people would sometimes just push their way past the customer I was helping and expect I would help them instead. For me, the customer I was actually dealing with was my focus and I would get rid of the interloper as quickly as I could. I did not always take the time to help them as well as I could have if they had just waited their turn - or at least waited until I was finished with the customer and had not yet started the next.

Cell Phones and Other Distractions

Don't expect great customer service if you come to my counter talking to someone else. Cell phones especially, I'm not sure if you are talking to me or your phone.

It can be tricky dealing with a group of people at the counter. Parents with small children may be distracted watching them, this is understandable, to a point. Children who are out of control are not something I can deal with for you. I can't give them free gifts, make them promises or give them stern warnings. I will keep them from sitting on my counter, taking bags or abusing me. No cashier has to put up with physical abuse from any customer, or their children.

A group of people at the cash is always a bit of confusion. I try to keep track of the person who is actually the customer, the one I am checking out at the moment. If the person is talking and goofing around with friends and not paying attention, I just do the best I can.

10 Items or Less and Express Lines

The idea of express lines is to help speed things up for people who want to get in and out and not wait behind someone who has bought more or wants to take time to chat with the cashier, debate about sales and so on. Please respect your fellow shoppers and stick to the right line.

As a cashier, I'm there for my shift whether everyone in the express line has 10 items or 100. I may not be impressed but I will go ahead and keep working. I leave it up to the other customers to give you the evil eye.

On a slightly related note - if you are my first customer of the day I will not be able to break a $100 bill or a $50. Just take it to customer service and they can get whoever is managing the cash to bring you smaller bills. I won't have them until at least an hour after my shift has started. Cashiers start with a float of cash. That amount has actually become smaller as debit and credit cards are used far more often than cash.

While I'm typing about cash... I can't give you rolls of quarters. Check with customer service though but best of all - ask at the bank where they have the money stashed.

If you are shopping on Seniors Day and want the discount, tell the cashier. It is really awful to ask someone is they are a senior and find out they are not.

Animals in the Store

Some cashiers like pets. Some are allergic to pets. I'm allergic to pets. Don't bring them into the store if they are not welcome and please do not expect every cashier to serve you when you bring livestock. Your pets are your little friends, not mine. They are not customers and never will be.

You may have though it was cute or clever to carry your pet around in the merchandise but now you need to pay for it. Don't take something clean and leave the chewed, dirty or hair covered item for someone else to buy. No one will ever buy something your pet has mangled in the store, or as a return.

I'm not going to mark down an item your animal has wrecked either. So don't ask.

Interact with the Cashier (We Like to be Friendly)

You may be having a really bad day, feeling deeply depressed or just want to be alone in the world. I don't know your personal situation but, please just once during the transaction look up at me. I don't need you to be entertaining but I do like to at least have a moment of eye contact.

Having typed this, I do understand not interacting with people you come across. Being too worn out to make the effort. Being too upset or sad to want to put yourself out there. Still, people who could not at least look at me were worse than people who tried to scam, yell or anything else.

Make a second of eye contact. You don't even have to smile.

Where Is... Getting Directions in the Store

A good cashier, or one who has been working in the store awhile, often does know where a lot of things are and what the store does (or does not) carry. So, I never minded people asking for help to find something. (If they waited for me to be between customers). I liked how well I could answer these questions. Not every cashier does. Some may be new or just never look around before or after their shift.

Many stores, like department stores, will have customer service people on the floor who can also help with directions and finding items. This was actually a job I did for awhile in a department store. (There was a lot of walking and running involved). See if you can find someone like this to help you if the cashiers are busy. Customer service is also there for the same reason. They even get a map of the store so they aren't just relying on their own personal knowledge of the store and the items sold in the store.

Also, try not to ask store staff for help if they are wearing a jacket over their uniform, or carrying their purse, etc. These are likely staff who are off the clock and may be cranky, tired or any of a lot of emotions which will not lead to friendly customer service. Of course, if you really need help anyone should be human enough to help you and there is no reason (even a double shift) for someone to at least find someone who is on the clock to take the time to help you.

My ex and I are becoming friends again. It won't ever be the same as the days before we were married or while we were married. But, I didn't like feeling estranged from him. We are far apart in physical distance but we have never been very far apart in friendship. It's hard to let that slip away even after a divorce.

I don't think every couple can go through divorce and keep a friendship. You have to let go of a lot of anger, sadness and other emotions. You even have to forgive things that you can still hear him saying in your mind. You need to let go (or hold less tightly) to things that hurt you so deeply you can almost feel the cracks in your heart, mind and soul. But, for awhile there is just numbness. That's how you pull yourself away at first. You just don't feel anything.

Then you live through the aftermath. The time it takes to rebuild yourself and your life. It takes a lot of energy to rise from your own ashes. I went through a time of wondering if I could ever feel connected to the world again. I journaled through the worst of it. Writing helped sort out my thoughts and pull some of them out of the muck my mind was in.

Then his email bounced, about six months after our divorce. I felt a shock that I might not know where he was, or that I could not contact him any time. That was the moment I reached back and connected with him again. It wasn't friendship right then. It was more like a feeling of loss, not wanting to lose our connection, whatever state it happened to be in at that time.

Now, about ten years later, we are friends. It's not a comfortable friendship where I just say whatever I am thinking and know he will understand. There are things I don't want to say. There are things that have become too personal. I's not as simple and uncomplicated as it had been. Ironic that the person I have been more intimate with than anyone (other than my Mother in a different kind of relationship) is someone I now feel reserved with and unsure. It's not that I don't trust him. I just feel I have to hold back. Burned once... twice shy. I don't believe he would hurt me but the burn mark is there, it hasn't quite gone away.

I am glad the friendship is there. It's worth keeping. My family wonders if we could/ should get back together. I don't like when they ask that. It's like they deny everything I felt and went through. As if it all were nothing. But, I don't say much about any of it to them.

By the time I actually publish/ post this a lot of what is on this screen right now will be edited out. I don't want to hurt my ex-husband or have him feel bad about what I'm feeling or have felt in the past. I am responsible for my own feelings, for what I take seriously and what I brush off. He isn't. In the end, I think that is how you recover from the divorce and re-work the friendship. You just decide what is important and what your priorities are. You don't choose to be bitter, you just choose to be happy.