When your Mother is a gardener there seems no point in wearing clean clothes.

Something I wrote as a note in my date book last year. It seems every time I put on something nice, and clean, I go outside (or get called outside) and there is something to dig, dirt and plants to lift, something that leaves me wearing dirt.

Halloween night was pretty here. Lots of leaves fell from the trees so the ground was coated with orange, yellow, and red. I loved the rainy Halloween nights like that when I was a kid. You could hear the leaves smooshing as you walked through them.

Yesterday was a stressy day. My coffee slipped off my desk and all over myself and everything else. It was a particularly GOOD coffee day and the mug was full. I was looking forward to coffee and writing. For whatever reason losing the coffee just flipped my day. I even cried a bit. I'm a bit worried I'm just getting old and upset about little stuff too easily. I wouldn't mind getting old so much if I could keep the parts of me that I actually like, as they are.

Sometimes when I'm upset and feeling kind of lost and hopeless the song, Mona With the Children, by Douglas Cameron, comes into my head and gets stuck there.

On social media I wrote:

OK. So you hate Israel, hate Palestine, hate Iran, HATE HATE HATE. They are all just people. Who are you really hating? Mona with the Children - Never forget Doug Cameron's song and the real young woman who was murdered for the hatred of others.

I don't know what it says about me that this is where my mind goes. Is my brain just telling me to stop hating myself? Only my brain knows. Do you remember the song? Hard to believe (for me) that its already 40 years ago since that song came out.

I feel that people these days are on constant Witch hunts. As if there is some great prize for rooting out anyone who does not strictly and completely adhere to the public's expectations/ demands. Its like walking/ talking around in a big trap with a hair trigger. Why do they want to live this way?

Tonight she is pissed because I didn't cook the beans and make her drink when she came in from the garden. I spent the afternoon writing. I felt like a person for a little while. She spent the afternoon in her garden. Now I feel like I'm in shit for taking time to have my own life.

She complains that she can't look after the garden herself any more. She used to say when she couldn't look after her garden herself she would sell the house and do something else. Not sure what. I've stayed living with her for more of my life than I have had to myself. I'm almost 61 now, divorced, no children, no future.

Now she's snippy about how she will just make her drink herself and cook the beans herself. I just left her to do it. I don't want her to lose what she loves for however much time she has left. She's 81. I imagine it must be hard to be coming to the end of your years, feeling less able to do everything you used to do. I try to be good, patient, and helpful. But, its every day, every waking hour. I've come to dislike the time I need to spend sleeping.

Even when my brother takes care of her in Florida for a few months, he leaves and has time without her. Here or in Florida, he has time for his own life. I don't. I have two younger sisters who talk to her on the phone, when they want to.

I may not really have a life any more but I'm feeling angry that I have to feel guilty or bad for having a few hours to do something I like to do by myself. I used to think my life would be easier if I had a lobotomy, or could be a robot. I still feel the same way, 50 years later. This isn't a life and I'm tired of whatever this is.

She says I should be glad to give her time/help in her last years. I don't begrudge helping her really. But, what if I die first? Do I get some kind of rebate for all these years? No, I'll just be dead.

Today I was fired from writing for the Sims Community site. Fired is not the right word because it wasn't so much employment as getting paid a little for writing posts for the website, more like contract work (there's probably another word for it). Anyway, that's not so important.

Here is the note I was left on discord:

Hope you're doing well. I was emailed last night by one of our readers about your Twitter profile containing several negative and harmful remarks about the trans community. While I fully support the free exchange of viewpoints and opinions, I can't in good concience continue to work with someone who actively talks negative about the marginalized community that makes up our reader base, and our team of authors who are a part of the LGBTQ+ community.

This decision is effective immediately. Any finished content that you've completed for Sims Community that hasn't been paid for yet will be paid when / if you provide the filled spreadsheets.

Wishing you well in your future endeavours, Jovan

Cancel culture strikes again. I was fired for personal posts on a different social media account (I only posted about The Sims 4 on the bluesky social media account I used for my writer profile) by someone anonymous. They must have put in time to dig into my social media accounts. I haven't posted often or lately about women's rights. I guess the anonymous reader felt it was worth their time. Of course, I had no say in the firing. No information about what I actually posted that was so upsetting. But, who am I? Just one of the people who used to "make up the reader base" and thought I would enjoy contributing to the site.

Funny, because I only made 5 posts to the site. How many people actually read or knew about me there, not many I'm sure.

What I've thought about since, after being surprised and disappointed in society in general, is that most people who play The Sims 4 are women. Real, biological women. Also, most of the readers at the site are likely real, biological women. Like myself.

I'm not going to get into posting about the issue of women's rights now. I'm just making note of the facts. Cancel culture is very strong, determined and does not care about facts, understanding, or discussion. (In spite of what they claim).

I don't really care who made a point of digging into my social media and sending it to the site owner at Sims Community. It could have been one of the other writers who strongly supports trans people over biological women. The writing was on the wall really, when I attempted to write about the DEI mod and was denied because I did not write strongly against it and turn the post into a strongly worded advocate for trans political beliefs, bashing all those who disagree, or feel otherwise and don't say much.

Sims Community is just one site, about a game. In the grand scheme of things it doesn't matter a lot. I won't miss writing for it. I'd begun to lose heart in it after the DEI thing. If you want, you can read the very strong trans positive post they did post instead of mine. I'm not going to link it. (Comments were not allowed with the post).

I think its rubbish really, very slanted and biased. Its not what journalism should be and, I guess, its fair enough for them to post as they like. Its not a site with journalism standards. I'm not intending to backlash or put the site down. There are plenty of sites out to make money by getting people to click on ads, more of them are running AI instead of having people write any more. AI is cheaper and can spew out posts much faster with all the right keywords. I don't think a website, or a game, can have integrity if they push their own agenda so belligerently.

Back to the point about The Sims players mainly being women, biological women. What do we think about the game these days? I'm a player myself. I've bought far too many of the packs, etc. I've spent more money than I even want to admit. It bothers me, as a player, that the game is focused on gender issues far more than I am. If some players want it that way okay. But, there is no option to turn it off, to run the game your way. Why not? The Sims is a virtual dollhouse, run by one person, one player. Why can't I have the dollhouse my way?

Are we being brainwashed by EA, or whoever has recently bought out the franchise now?

What will the new owners bring? I'm curious. If they are of the Middle East culture they may not go with the trans culture and beliefs currently pushed in the game. I've read some people posting about this already, concerned about it, one way or another. I'm not so much concerned as I am interested. I'd feel better about spending more money on more packs and such for the game if the gender politics were removed, or became optional at least. I'm tired of feeling like a biological woman in a trans/man's world.

The most recent pack about imaginary friends for children, I am not buying. It gave me a sick, icky feeling in a game with so much focus on gender control and stereotypes. Of course, its being heavily plugged on the Sims Community site. I won't miss that part of writing there.

This is what I posted to the site owner. It may not have gone through because I deleted his account and the site from my discord account. No point in keeping them around, "effective immediately".

OK. But, I will post that I was fired for posting for women's rights on social media. I have nothing against you or the site, but it makes me angry that people are not allowed to discuss or disagree at all regarding trans issues. Anyway, no point in talking about it, as per usual. You can remove my author profile (if you haven't already) and show my posts as written by an unknown author or whatever you like. I won't send in for payment, that wasn't so important for me.

I was in a car accident on Saturday. Thought I would write about it, but now I don't want to. I'm still alive, a bit battered, not too bruised physically.

This is what I wrote to my cousin, Pamela. I'd add a bit more, maybe yet.

Today I have a therapy appointment for the accident. I will be fine. Bashed my left knee on something in the car when we were hit. My left boob is still decorated in pretty purple designs from the seat belt. A scratch on my right leg that is a complete mystery. But, its nearly gone now. At first I was feeling ok, but by the time I got home the back of my neck, shoulders and chest were tight and hurting. Tension I'd guess. A hot shower helped. Still having some pain in my back and sides but its getting better.

I've never been in a car accident before. It was so interesting to experience. Especially since I'm ok. When you see movies/ TV shows of people getting hit by another vehicle it is surprisingly just like that. I saw a black truck flying towards our car. It didn't seem real and then it hit and there was a spray of car bits (almost all from his truck) like an instant tornado. Different men stopped to help and I didn't know which were in the accident and which were just passing along at the time. It was confusion, and assorted other words but it also felt like being part of a story, not quite an adventure but something like that. The bits of his truck and the other car were everywhere! Like big pieces of confetti that would not be good to step on.

It (truck) had landed on Mom's driver side door and she couldn't get out. The truck was smoking right by her window and (now) she says she was scared. At the time she kept saying she was fine and I was the one who was showing more affects from it. But, now she says it has taken the wind out of her sails and she hasn't yet gone outside for her garden as she usually would be almost every day. Mom's brother (our Uncle Wayne) suggests she call a lawyer for/ about the accident. We met the man who caused the accident there, at the time. Although I have ho idea why/how he took the turn when another car was that close, he seemed like a regular kind of guy with an orange t-shirt and a long grey beard. Like someone who has a cottage and a boat to enjoy on the lake. But, most people at fault for accidents are likely everyday types of people. That part won't be like the movies and TV shows.

So its not so easy to think about starting anything legal about it. Mom's insurance have decided to repair her car rather than write it off. We were hoping it would be a write off because she still has payments for it and that won't change even though its now a car that has been in an accident. So it won't sell as well any time later. Also, a bit creepy to be in that car again. As if it betrayed us somehow, though of course, it wasn't the car's fault, or ours.