Originally posted to Adult BackWash: Wednesday February 26, 2003  

Originally I had written something which ended up as an angry rant against men in general. I read it back over and I wondered, why am I so angry? Even to myself it seemed too angry over issues that have been around since cave men and dinosaurs. Some things will not change.

Anyway, the issue I was writing about was not worth the energy and passion I had put into my rant about it. So I took a break and went downstairs to make coffee. I concluded that I'm not really angry at men. I'm angry because there is a stereotypical ideal which is built up in most women and one that no man can really live up to. Yet, we are taught to expect to find this stereotypical hero/ lover. In short, the perfect man. No human man is likely to ever be so perfect as the hero/ lover we read about in steamy romance novels, see on soap operas, daydream about in magazines, and so on. It's hard to let go of that illusion and the need for that perfect man in our lives.

Just imagine having that shining hero in chain mail and riding a white horse coming to your rescue, treating you like a lady (all the time) and making you feel so special and treasured, always knowing when you need to be taken care of and always being there to do it. Put the shoe on the other foot. Could you be that for someone else? Not likely, it's too much self sacrifice, too much intuition and too much to ask of anyone.

But, that doesn't change the fact that I've grown up looking for that man. I remember being in high school, reading those romance novels the other girls were reading. Always thinking how much better my life would be if I had a 30 year old man to love me, solve the problems, stick up for me, always be on my side and of course love me, cover me with affection while encouraging me to become the best me I could be. Don't laugh, I bet there are high school girls and grown women too who still hold on to that ideal. I admit I've got a firm grip on at least a corner of it myself.

But, that's fantasy. A pleasant, warm fuzzy fantasy that isn't going to happen. But, having to give up that fantasy hero/ lover isn't easy. It could make some women pretty angry at men. Myself, I'm going to work on forgiving them for not living up to all my expectations of perfection.

Originally posted to Adult BackWash: Tuesday February 04, 2003  

I have a secret fetish. My fetish stimulates my mind, whatever brain cells make me feel "in the mood". If sex is all in your head then I'm taking a lot of interesting trips.

Does that sound weird to you? Good. A good fetish should sound weird to someone, that's what makes it unique and individual. What's your fetish? Would you even tell, the genuine, real answer not just the one you feel safe giving.

BDSM is considered a fetish. But, I disagree with that. To me a fetish is something on a smaller scale or something very narrowed down. Such as my figure skater with long hair. BDSM includes many smaller scale ideas which could be called fetishes. As a whole I'd pin it to a theory of sexual play. Not a lifestyle or a religion as some seem to feel. I never want to live as if BDSM was the focus or the core of my life. Also, I never want to make sex into a religion. I just can't take it that seriously for one thing.

Now and then I read about other couples or groups, who have made BDSM into a lifestyle, something they do 24 hours a day and 7 days a week. I have to wonder how they fit having a life into their lives. Would you really want to be that much in command or that subservient all the time? I couldn't stand it. I wouldn't want to always be the one making the footsteps or the one always following in them. How could you be your own person? I think we all need freedom from our roles in order to grow. If you stop growing you're in a rut.

Anyway, fetishes are very interesting. There are an endless variety. I've come to think there is a fetish for anything you can come up with. Likely someone in the world has a fetish for eating horse hair and someone else just goes wild thinking of cans of soup and yet another has a fetish for rubbing the pages of a book over their body. Where does it end? Likely that's some kind of fetish too.

Originally posted to Adult BackWash: Saturday February 15, 2003  

Do you do unto your man as he does unto you? It's only fair. Isn't it?

I don't think so. But for a few reasons. Mainly, not everyone gets aroused by the same things. Maybe he likes sucking your toes but unless this interests you I wouldn't suggest you return the favour. If the idea of sucking his toes is revolting that won't make the experience good for either of you.

Also, he might not like his toes sucked. Do you like it when he sucks your toes? If not you should let him know. That is one thing women don't do often enough. Let the poor sap know you don't like something and let him know when you DO like something. You need communication in order to make the sex good and the relationship grow.

One concern I always had during sex was that I wasn't doing enough. I read about women who just lie there. But, it's fun just lying there, feeling and enjoying everything. It's not good if he feels you aren't involved in the process. Would you like making love to someone who didn't do anything? It would be lonely and eventually you'd lose interest. Make some noise, pat him, rake your nails over his back, whatever it takes to keep him going. Does he like his nipples sucked or nibbled? Does he go wild when you grab his cock, even if that's all you do with it? Kiss him, if that's kind of bland kiss him in some unique place where you've never kissed him before.

But, don't let him get you into a lock. If he is behind you, you're locked into a position where there is very little you can do. Our arms just don't function well that way. Also, they tend to get in his way. Suddenly it's like an octopus has just invaded your bed. (Or wherever it is you're making love). Try to shift around, or just tell him you want to be able to touch him too. What guy wouldn't like to know that!

One reason BDSM is really good for the women is that it gives you the right to not do anything. If you're tied up you can't do much, just wait for what will come. You have less pressure to perform if you can't do more than whimper and moan. If you're the one doing the tying then you get to set the pace. You are the one who chooses how things go and where they go. When you get tired of ordering him around, order him to please you. Sit back and let him get to work. Be spontaneous or give him a list of what you want before you start.

However, back to the do unto plan, you should not be so close minded that you can't try new things. Give his fetish a chance too. Try sucking his (freshly showered and scrubbed) toes once before you decide it's gross. We can be fair, to a point.

Originally posted to Adult BackWash.com: Friday January 31, 2003  

When I'm writing, especially erotica, I try to include appeals to all the five senses. In case yours are a bit rusty: touch, taste, smell, sight and sound.

Why shouldn't it be the same in real play? Have you thought of ways you could make things more sensual by working on an extra sense, usually ignored? The sense of smell is one which gets ignored in writing erotica. I think it's also least likely to be thought of while making lust too. Probably a close second to sound.

What would happen if you both were blindfolded and under instructions not to touch each other. Could you find each other in the room? (Assuming that you started in different places of course). Would body heat and the odd whisper of sound be enough? It would be an interesting game, sort of the adult version of blind man's bluff. Maybe it wouldn't be all that interesting. Some people would get bored, some would laugh and others might turn it into a feast of the senses. It's just an idea.

But, I wonder, how would sex be without any sense of smell or sound? Even if those aren't put into play a lot I think they do give the whole thing a finesse. That little something needed to pull the whole thing together. Could you make love, have sex, tease or torment your lover without enjoying the sounds and smells? Remember, little things mean a lot.

The other senses are easy. Sight is a big one for men. For women, or me at least, I find touch is more important. Maybe that's because we don't feel it's real until we really FEEL it's real. Is that what lets men get turned on by naughty pictures that don't do all that much for women? Taste is taken care of, unless you're the straight missionary position, no fuss no muss type. How can you not want to taste your lover? A bite here and a nibble there. That's what love is for.

Originally posted to Adult BackWash.com: Friday January 24, 2003  

There is one complication with FemDoms and their male submissives that doesn't get talked about very often. It's the whole idea of who is serving who.

Does the Domme (FemDom sounds like some robot to me) really dress that way because she chooses to or is it part of the performance for the male submissive? Those spiked heels that she has to be careful walking in, who are they really for? All that make up, sticky leather and black colours... who is the tormented and who is the tormentor?

It creeps into the play itself. If a couple practices BDSM does the Domme have to be on call for the submissive, or can she choose to take a night off? If she isn't in the mood does he respect that because she is the Domme or does he expect her to cater to his wishes? What does she do in the end? Does she please herself or is it all a performance for him?

If you are a Domme evaluate your own relationships with submissives. How often are you catering to him? How often does he really serve you in a way that you want to be served? Does all that toe licking really serve you or would he be of more use cleaning your floors? Do you really want to sit around having your boots licked or would you rather be out somewhere, letting him stay home and watch TV, locked up in his cage, awaiting you. Do you really like spanking or would you rather have him pleasing you, sucking your breasts, kissing your back, sitting naked at your feet, acting as your table while you read or brushing your hair all those one hundred strokes you don't have the patience to do.

It's also interesting to look at punishments and discipline. Do you discipline him because he earned it or because he begged for it? Does the punishment fit the offense or is it just a gimmick, playing along with his desires? Has he ever really been punished, something he genuinely does not like or want to do? Are your punishments a game or a threat?

Not that having a male submissive should be a one way street. The male submissive's needs to have met, to some extent. But, the point of being Domme is that you are the one in charge. Are you? Or is he?