Originally posted to Adult BackWash: Friday February 27, 2004
Originally, I wrote this for someone who wanted ideas for getting started into BDSM. Mainly bondage as most people getting started aren't really looking for the SM type of things. It's a bit much to rush into something really hard core and you can't go back and undo anything you regret later. So, my best advice is to take it slow. I wrote this to a guy, but it works for either partner, man or woman. Start discussing your thoughts and desires. Tell your partner why you want to do these things before you just suggest doing them. Why does the idea of bondage, spanking or some other fetish turn you on? If you're lucky your lust will rub off on them. If not, you can try a moderated, more tame version if possible.
Get close physically at least once before you try anything BDSMish. Have some idea of what each of you are like sexually before you bring in that whole element. Use a 'safe word' and mean it. Don't make a game out of it or use it to tease, etc. If the word is used it means someone is in panic mode and everything has to stop right then. Mostly talk and talk and talk about fantasies, things that scare or concern each of you. Don't rush into some sub/ Dom thing. That should be an extra element not your focus. Just go slow and enjoy the ride.
Try bondage without bondage. Like, instead of tying her or yourself with rope have her hold onto the back of a chair or the sides of the bed. That way there is an escape open if one of you gets worried or needs a break to regroup.
When you feel ready, you can use real rope but don't actually knot it. Leave it untied. Try handcuffs but don't lock them and make sure you have a key where it won't get lost in the sheets, the rug, whatever. Try timed bondage too. Freeze the key in an ice cube and run the cube over her body. When the cube finally melts she is set free.
Try a light spank as a surprise. Just one and see how it goes. If you're both into it make it a bit harder or go for three light ones. Think of different positions too. Over the knee is one option, how about having her bend over the bed, or by the side of your desk, try new ideas. Just use your hand. That way you will both feel it. You need to have some idea of how hard you are spanking. Using an inanimate object leaves you guessing. You can't rely on guessing when you could be hurting her and making the whole experience negative rather than fun and something she's likely to want to do again.
Talk about what you want to do as you're doing it. That is so sexy. To hear someone take charge and tell you what they're going to do and how you are theirs to do it with. Do it with feeling though. The Dom is doing it to show love not to show he/ she is boss. Have a nickname just for your BDSM play, little one, minx, etc. Then when she hears it she will know you're in THAT mode and it will put her into THAT mode too.
You don't need toys and gear, most of it is brain work. Feelings and how you touch and not touch sometimes. Withholding a touch is a good way to build suspense. Bring in a new element and just let it be seen. Don't even use it. For instance place a pair of handcuffs on the bedside table and hang the key on a string around your neck. Use sound effects too. There is something kind of sexy about the sound of a whip, for me. But I'd never want to be whipped or have some amateur with no clue attempt to play with one around me. Still, the sound could be recorded and played back at key moments.
It's all about exploring and trying things to arouse and tempt your partner. Go for it, but play nice and don't be a jerk. Men might find they like being submissive even though they think they have to be a Dom. Try switching. Women might find it a real turn on to suddenly be the one in charge. Make him do things your way and at your pace. Go for it.