Femdom Fetish Blog asked:

Finally, what would you say, in your opinion, would be the attributes of the perfect male subordinate? What would be the scenario of the best short term session and for the best long term relationship with a male sub? Would it be different with a female sub?

The perfect male submissive is an unreality. Things I look for in a man as a submissive are understanding that there is more to our relationship than D/s. I want conversation and someone to laugh with too. A warm body to share the bed or get out of it and back into his bondage if the mood to be wicked strikes me.

I don't like the term vanilla in the way people see it as BDSM and everything else is vanilla. Vanilla play is part of the whole for me. It is from the everyday that I get my best inspiration for enjoying him in his submission. For me the play is not some big production but an extension of sex, foreplay and passion. No one should have to rely on toys, tools or a certain wardrobe in order to Dominate. It's the tone of voice and the feelings behind it that matter more than something you buy at a store.

Domming is fun for me. A creative sport. Yes, it is also a turn on physically, mentally and emotionally but I like to laugh too. I like to have him in bondage twitching and squirming and see the humour in all of it. He does look funny. The penis itself is crude and funny looking. No wonder it makes such a good toy, such a good way to torment and tease him.

Being a Dominant is fun. When I stop having fun with it something is wrong. If I start to feel I'm just going through the motions to please him I know I have gotten off track. This basic fact gets missed in a lot of the literature, illustrations and talk about what female domination is. Instead most of the female domination shown online is about pleasing him, I seldom see what she gets out of it. That part is left out, or assumed.

If the Domme is in charge how can her pleasing be assumed? Men tend to assume a male Dom and female Dom will both be pleased just by the act of their submission. But, we are women, and there is more to us. There is more to pleasing us than pleasing you (the little man).

This is a real personal ad from Edmonton, Alberta.

You are a busy woman with a great life. You miss a man in your life, but don’t miss the ego they usually come with. This great looking physically fit man is looking for you. You make the rules and rule the nest. He willingly follows. Your dinner is ready after a long day, your bath is ready - you will be towelled off and then your lotion applied. The shopping is done and the house is clean. Your man cleans up real well and is an excellent outing sidekick. You walk hand in hand, always knowing who really wears the pants. All of your other ‘needs’ are met on cue. I am physically fit and active and you should be the same. Interested?

How could a woman not be interested in that? It’s like having your own butler, manservant or going back to the early days in a relationship where the man goes out of his way to be pleasing - courtship. Why do men stop courting and romancing their women? Do they forget? Do they get too busy? Do they lose interest?

Whatever the reason, I think women need to take back some of the power they give out in a relationship. Stop being the one trying to make things work and be the one who must be pleased instead. If he wants something from you let him deserve it rather than just expect it. Don’t let yourself be taken for granted when there are other options. Options which you can enjoy.

I think this is why women should try to have female led relationships (as they seem to be called these days rather than FemDom and sub or Domme and slave/ slut).

Sex is part of it. But not where it begins or ends. It should begin with what she wants. What she really wants, not what he wants from her. That is a very fine point which gets lost frequently. If the woman can stay focused on keeping the relationship about what she wants and not let his wants sneak in, things can stay on track. Yes, he can get what he wants too. It is not all one way, there can be a balance. But, all too often his needs and wants are put first. She becomes secondary and then the courtship is over. Again.

Keep the courtship alive. Men, let your women lead, stop telling her what you want. Instead find out what she wants. Do you really know or have you just been telling her what she should want?

It’s not all official until you have a first real meeting I think. But, I have met a submissive male and he does sound good. Knows, really knows, that he is to serve me. I have met a lot of submissive males (so called) who quickly give me a list of what they want and how I should treat them, how I should make them behave and how they can please me. All of this ignores the fact that I know my own mind and I know how and when I want to be served. I don’t need a list given to me by the very man who says he wants to serve me. You can’t serve me if you are making up all the rules, treating me like a McDomme, a fast food service for your instant gratification all done your way.

These kind of submissive men seem immature in the long run. When I don’t fall into their plan they soon ignore me, forget my email or just don’t show up when they had said they would. Does this sound like a man you would expect to know how to serve you (if you were a Dominant woman)?

Finding a submissive man who is strong (in mind and body), mature (not just in age) and independent and creative is unusual, in my experience. Yet, I think it takes a strong man to really be a great submissive. If he has never been strong how can he really appreciate giving up some of his strength and power? You have to have it to lose it, right? Also, as a woman, it is a huge turn on to be the woman leading a man like that versus one who wants it too much and takes it too lightly.

I found a quiz for male submission today: The Male Submissive Potential Test.

I’ve been trying to find a submissive man to suit me for quite some time. Most have the wrong attitude. Pushy! Yes, you want to serve her, you want orgasm denial, you want, you want, you want you want you want you want. See a theme there?

I’m not putting you down, though you may feel that way as you read.

I’ve met lots of men who wanted to be submissive. They almost all think that means serving a woman in the way they want to do it. Wrong. If you are really serving a woman that means doing it her way. Maybe she doesn’t want to deny you an orgasm, maybe she likes sex and wants to have sex with you. Maybe she likes watching you play with yourself and seeing you come, or maybe she does not like that at all. Maybe she wants to tie you up and leave you there, ignored for awhile. Maybe she wants to spank you cause you’re really starting to piss her off with all your demands.

I’ve been frustrated with men who go on and on about what they want from a Dominant woman. They hardly stop to ask me what I want. They assume they know or they think any Dominant woman will want the same things they do, pulled from the same list. They assume there is some rule book that all Dominant women must follow in order to be Dominant women. To stray from that means they are not really Dommes. Wrong again.

If you want her to be Dominant, if you want to be female led then let it happen. Stop trying to take charge and have it all your way.

Is it possible you are already in a female led relationship and you just haven’t really noticed it? Maybe you have had what you wanted all along? Look at what you have rather than what you do not have.

Want to see what I look like?

Men want to meet Dommes, real women who enjoy Dominating men. However, men don't seem to understand that we are real women, people too. We have interests, thoughts and lives that have nothing to do with tying men up, teasing and tormenting them. (As much fun as all that is).

I'm writing this blog for myself mainly. I used to write a weekly column called Bait & Switch for Adult BackWash. (BackWash is closed now). I would write about sex, kinky stuff, online dating, romance, passion and sensuality. I also wrote about my views as a woman who likes treating men as my own personal sex toy.

Don't think that I'm some experienced professional, cause I'm not. I never have been. I'm a woman you could meet any day and pass without suspecting I was anything but someone's sister/ daughter/ aunt. Just think about that... how do you know you didn't see me today? I'm a nice girl, a romantic. I tend to be quiet and polite and I'm thinking a lot behind my glasses. I'm the woman your Mother would like you to bring home.

Isn't that ironic?

I like teasing men while they can't do much about it. I like the idea of keeping a man in a cage or tied hand and foot to the frame of the doorway, or told to wear a bib in the restaurant. I like having a man who does it all, not because he has to, not because he could not escape the bondage or just say No, but because he wants to. I like a man who is strong, independent, intelligent and submissive (but only to me). I'm not into sharing quite that much.

I like a home made brand of D/s. Where instead of spending money on toys from a catalogue I am creative and use my own ideas and imagination. I really like having something ordinary become extraordinary fun in a kinky way. It gives you a whole new outlook each time you open a drawer in the kitchen, especially that junk drawer with all the odds and ends. 

I also like writing fiction, Femdom fiction. I've won 2nd place in an erotica writing contest run (in part) by Gloria Brame but that was several years ago. Still, it was quite an honour to me at the time. I've been published in The Dominant's View at least twice. I was there in the very early days of Clean Sheets but I didn't stick with it. I have this problem with being a social misfit/ loner and not giving myself enough credit for the things I can do. Luckily, I don't mind being alone, I keep myself amused. 

Anyway, this is as much information as I feel like giving away right now. I have just begun dating a new male submissive. That's why I'm here, writing adult content again. It's also kind of fun. I did miss it.