This (my post) was included in the elust newsletter.

I should be meeting a new sub next week, someday. I think I will call him Blue Balls. It's kind of a pretty name, makes me think of bluebell flowers, and other things that can be blue.

Sometimes being a Domme is like being a fem sub. We are both spoiled, just in different ways, more like different directions. I tell BB all kinds of fun things I'd enjoy doing when we chat on Gmail's Chat feature. I know he is hard up and I love it when he types about it into the chat. Knowing he is hard just makes me build up the scenario, come up with more naughty ways to torment him. Most of it makes me laugh, even while it makes me want him here to suck on my breasts, knead them and suck them while I tell him all the other ideas I have to torment him. Writing the ideas into chat with him is a lot of fun. It stirs me to yet more creative impulses.

I don't know how the reality will go. The chat is simple, text to text. It is never that simple face to face. Or, if we get past face to face, everything is more complicated when the intimacy increases for body to body. I do want the romance and the courtship. I've had little of either from past men I married or dated. To give credit, my ex husband was the most romantic. We had begun as friends over a long period of time. We are still friends now, it's a relationship that is still healing I think. But, I'm glad it is healing. We had too much that was good to let it become like some dreadful disease.

The new sub and I should meet next week, a first meeting so I am both hoping for good things and yet cautious from past less than great experiences with men I have met from online sources. I think I will call him BB, just to make him blush. After all, BB can be other things, like Boob Boy. I will know it is Blue Balls, he can be allowed to think it is Boob Boy, or something else. Let him think I'm not really evil. I know that I can be, but not right away. True evilness takes some warming up. Yet, it will be worth the trip. At least for one of us.

Be honest, what is the point of a man having an orgasm really? Once he does all the real fun is over. Shouldn't all boys wait until their orgasm will at least amuse their Domme? That's how it seems to me. Poor BB. I don't know if he really does know that the fantasy is fun while it is a fantasy. But the reality is going to be quite different. No wonder male subs have to sign contracts. It is a good idea to have something on paper that the Domme can bring out to remind him that all of this is what he signed up for. How wicked to make him sign it before he experiences the reality.

This clip from the Cosmo post about Blue Balls just has to be repeated:

In case you were wondering, it's called blue balls because the blood that's been in the scrotum for a while loses oxygen and can give the appearance of a bluish tinge -- although it sounds like something guys came up with to express just how sad they are that they can't come!

Help for blue balls from Scarleteen and Suite101.

Happy (belated) Valentines Day

I noticed I had lost a button on my sweater. Gave me kinky thoughts about taking a photo and sending it to Stephen who I have been talking to since meeting through CollarMe in December. We have not met yet but I began this blog with the idea of keeping ideas and thoughts here to share with him later if things work out. There is something very stimulating (for me) about taking photos of myself like this. I don't pass them around like business cards or anything. But, it is fun for me and now I will be thinking about reading some erotica later tonight.

I was thinking that men who talk about wanting a Domme may actually not know what they really want is a Top. A Top is someone who enjoys fetishes with a bottom but there isn't a formal relationship with the rules and respect and expectations of a FemDom. Instead they play, whatever fetish they choose and one is Top and the other is bottom.

When men say they want a Domme and then already have a set of expectations on what she should do, how she should do it and when, they seem to really want a Top. They have not added what she wants into the situation.

If they really did want a Domme they would have to make room for her wishes, wants and needs. They would have to accept that things are not going to go along in the way they expect them too. She might not want to spank them. She might not have any interest in humiliation or forced feminization or a lifestyle with D/s. So often men think a Domme is what they want her to be instead of who she is.

How much simpler it would be for them if they looked for a Top instead. They could make the plan for what each of them wants, what each of them has a limits of where they will not go and they can schedule each activity together. In that way both people are getting their needs met. Neither is trying to change the other or tell the other they aren't behaving correctly, as per spec.

It is time for men who think they want to be submissives to a Domme to realize they don't really want that at all. What they are doing is looking for something so they can change and bend it to what they want. They are Topping from the bottom.

Here's a new idea for some of you. It is not a bad thing for a male submissive to take care of his Domme, even to the point of stepping up and being the one who leads her to bed  when she is tired or not feeling well (as one example).

In the way I see it, a male submissive isn't just the guy sitting in the cage or tied to the bed, he is also the guy who cares for his woman. Isn't that at the heart of your submission? Don't you want to be the guy she desires too and looks forward being with rather than just one more thing on her to-do list.

Yes, you know about things like making her a coffee, rubbing her feet, you may have even heard of The Ladies Tea Society but beyond that have you ever considered taking care of her. Making sure she is warm and comfortable when you sit together in front of the TV in the evening. If she catches a cold or comes down with a fever a male submissive should be bringing her some Tylenol, maybe some gingerale and encouraging her to get to bed and sleep.

A male sub should remind her when they are running late. He should take the initiative and get the car started on a cold day. He should make note of groceries and other supplies they need to pick up. He should pick up the dry cleaning, take out the garbage, fold the laundry when he hears the clothes dryer finish up. When he is first home he should have dinner ready rather than spending that time waiting to be fed. Catch the creepy crawlers for her, open the jar of pickles when it's tight and stick up for her if someone is being less than kind.

When you are out in public be a little old fashioned and open doors for her. When eating out get anything she needs such as extra napkins, a coffee sleeve or ask the waitress to bring vinegar for her french fries. If you know she's tired (and you're ok) offer to do the driving. It isn't less submissive to take the wheel when you are choosing to take care of your woman, your Domme.

In a female led relationship I think it is important for the male to keep some of his power. Few real women want a man who has to be micromanaged and comes across as needy/ demanding all the time. I don't think any woman is going to want a guy who ignores all her needs except for the times he wants her to Dom him. If the relationship is female led then her real needs, wants and her time should be important.

I'm not saying it is a one way street. But, chances are she will be more interested in play time when she knows she has a partner who not only helps her but values her too. If she is stressed out with never ending chores and things to do she won't have the energy, interest or inspiration to play. Her time for play will not be something she can look forward to and relax and enjoy. Wouldn't you rather feel valued and desired too? It is a two way street after all.

I'm not a professional Domme and don't want to become one, though I admit the money is tempting. I am a freelance writer, I live in Ontario, Canada and I like finding new and creative, wicked ways to play with boys. Not children, just those little men who think they would like nothing better than to be tied up and at the mercy of a good woman. I am a good woman. Just ask my family and friends, they all say I am nice, some even go as far as sweet. It isn't my ambition to be the nice one. I'm okay with it. The world could use a bit more nice.

I'm also the one who writes about sex, an actual sex blogger and sex column writer in the recent past. My family didn't approve. I'm kind of surprised I told them. But, honesty just makes life less complicated in the long run and less complicated is a really nice thing.

If you ever heard of a site called BackWash (no longer online), you already know me. I wrote there for years. On the red (adult) side my column was Bait and Switch. I wrote fiction and non-fiction as new and wicked ideas occurred to me. I wrote a newsletter too. Right now I can't remember what I called it, but it was clever. I like clever things.

I'm not well experienced in BDSM. That nice girl thing again, I married the first man I had sex with. We were friends a long time and now we are divorced and living far apart and friendly because that's what nice girls do once they've picked themselves up again. I dated a bit since then but nothing has worked out. I've never been the sort of woman who can settle for a quick screw, I want more. As much as I like to explore and learn new things, I want to do all that with someone I can still wake up to the next day, the next week and for all the wrinkles to come.

I have liked BDSM for more years than I care to count. It started before I had boobs. I don't need to give a detailed list of my wicked ways here. I will be posting about my ideas, illustrations which I find or create myself and whatever is going on with my socializing/ fraternizing with boys. At this time I have been getting to know a man in Toronto. Email only, so far. But, he seems sincere, has a personality and can talk about things which have nothing to do with sex or BDSM.