I'm a wallflower in disguise. What's a wallflower? The word is old fashioned but lovely, I've always thought. A wallflower is a shy or unpopular woman who sits alone, by the wall, at social occasions and events. A flower on the wall. That's me but you wouldn't know it. I've learned all kinds of clever disguises.

I pretend you see. I pretend I'm not intimidated by everyone. I pretend I'm just as normal as everyone else. But, I know I'm pretending. Now and then I forget, or I choose to forget. But then reality creeps in and I remember that I'm really just a wallflower, quite out of her natural element.

Someday this might make a good topic for Bewitching Vagabond. Not tonight though, I've got to be up early for work.

There's a wallflower song. I don't think I've ever heard it. I like the words.

Wallflower, wallflower Won't you dance with me? I'm sad and lonely too. Wallflower, wallflower Won't you dance with me? I'm fallin' in love with you.

Just like you I'm wondrin' what I'm doin' here. Just like you I'm wondrin' what's goin' on.

Wallflower, wallflower Won't you dance with me? The night will soon be gone.

I have seen you standing in the smoky haze And I know that you're gonna be mine one of these days, Mine alone.

Wallflower, wallflower Take a chance on me. Please let me ride you home.

Bob Dylan

Added a new phrase to my Adult column. "A wallflower in disguise." It's so perfect. Cute even.

Just today, I found myself and this website mentioned in a book. The O'Reilly Essential Blogging book in which Ben and Mena Trott are among the authors. I'm on page #230 with my blab about blogs. I had no idea my comments were chosen for the book. Pretty nice year end surprise. Maybe it's a sign of great things to come.

Who knows maybe Harlequin and all those women's magazines will just flock to put my words into print. Yeah, and after that I'll start dusting off the plans for my world domination plot, the one where I'm empress of the world. I'm a very good empress btw.

Now I really do need to fix all the little things around my site. Plus work on getting my new graphics (homemade) scanned and loaded up. Wait till you see them, you'll be completely blown away, that or get the hiccups laughing. Either way works for me. ;)

Corrections About Christmas

I must correct my Christmas blab. I did get three presents and counting now. Before Christmas my brother let me have $50 to change my drivers license from US to Canadian. Afterwards he told me to keep the money (I didn't need to pay him back) and get that food steamer I had told him I wanted for Christmas. The food steamer I got on sale for less than $25, so that was a nice Christmas present. I just didn't think of it when I was writing because it was pre-Christmas. Since Christmas my sister Grace (home visiting) bought me the inhalers I needed. I had given her my bank card but she didn't use it. So that was nice of her. Thirdly, today my Mom said she is giving me $200 for Christmas. So Christmas was a time of giving afterall.

In case you're wondering... I gave everyone something for Christmas too. But I didn't spend much due to not having much to spend. Likely I've spent more on gassing the car than anything or anyone else. I hope working at Zellers will keep me in coffee once I ask (and get) full time. But, I'm going to ask once my 3 months probation is up. Hoping that goes more than well. I've even been so bold as to ask people to fill out the customer service comment cards. So far both people I asked were glad to do it. But, I knew they would be since I spent extra time helping both of them and they were nice, cheery people. Just another 8 cards to go and then I can get a silver ID card. Won't that look good for my 3 months probation. :)

Can you take praise or accept help graciously? Not me, at least not without an inner debate/ struggle over the whole thing. I've come to think it's all part of how I belittle myself. Undervalue would work too.

Another element of the belittling is how I feel I can never do enough. I constantly take on more jobs and projects, more than I can really handle. But, no matter how many balls I'm keeping spinning there is always someone else who seems to be doing more and doing more better than I am.

Then there is the whole thing of comparing everything I do to everything everyone else does. Almost everyone I look at is more capable than I see myself. I read another BW column and feel my own columns are about nothing, not interesting, lacking substance and not about anything important. I see a beautiful quilt and think that I should be doing more of that, I love sewing and quilts have always been my favourite sewing related items. Of course, the whole quilting thing is one more project I put upon myself and never complete.

When I take on so many things I end up frustrated and feeling like I never get anything done, or at least not done on time. If I do meet deadlines I feel I could have done better if I had given myself half a chance. Other people always make quilts, write articles, drive, talk, walk, etc. better and easier than I do. All those 'normal' people with their simple, happy, normal lives. I get wondering what I did so wrong that I'm here on the outside looking in. What part of me is it that never fits in?

But, there isn't any one part. It's me as a whole. I just can't seem to get past the feelings of not being good enough. When someone gives me credit for something I did well I try to accept it graciously and not listen to the belittling comments going on in my mind. I haven't been very successful at taking on less but I know it's out there so that's a start.

Some day I'll figure out how to be ok inside my own skin, how to stop putting down everything I do and accept that I do things well, or at least well enough. Someday I'll stop belittling myself or worse, waiting for that perfect Mr. Right who will finally make me believe I'm ok. No one will ever make me believe it until I really believe it.

This is my latest BackWash column. Just posting it here as well cause it's pretty personal. I have no idea why I publish these things on BackWash. Must be yet another twist of character.

My Mother is coming home from Florida today. For me that means I have to catch up on the cleaning I've been neglecting. Not that it matters. Soon after she comes in the door she will start doing it all over again. I've come to see this as reclaiming her territory. I can't see how I could do such a poor job that she would need to do everything over again. So, it just makes sense that she does it all for some other reason. The territorial thing is the reason I came up with.

She is mostly here to see the new baby. My sister had Roxanne Claire about a month ago. Her older brother, Zack, picked the name Claire.

Anyway, I'm still out of commission with this cold and lack of a speaking voice. The coughing is really killing me. I'm starting to really think I will cough up a lung, not just kidding about it any more.

But, a little thing like that isn't going to keep me from going out. Besides, I really do need to gas up the car and pick up an asthma inhaler. While I'm out I've decided to treat myself to Swiss Chalet. Not that it's in the grand scheme of things budget. But, if I don't treat myself who will?!!

About Christmas, since you asked... I lost my voice, crashed my car (no damage luckily) and no one gave me anything for Christmas. I brought over all the presents I bought for them and the buns I made (from scratch) for the dinner. I thought I would have at least a couple of gifts to open. I was surprised and a bit disappointed. But, being me, I said nothing.

Anyway, on to the New Year. Surely it can only get better, right?

Carol is a woman I met while at work. She was shopping for men's jeans the first time. We got talking about how she takes a tuck in the sides and turns them into jeans for herself. (The men's clothes do tend to be better made/ quality than the women's clothes).

Anyway, after half an hour of chatting I found that Carol is the person I was not so long ago. Her husband and son belittle her and she feels lost in the world. She doesn't know where to go from the rut she has gotten used to. I tried to help her. I told her about my own exploits and how things are better now. So, Carol grabbed onto my small lifeline and asked for my phone number. Maybe we could meet for coffee, she said. I knew Carol would never phone, but I hoped she would.

Today I saw her again. Not for very long as it was Christmas Eve Day and the store was fairly busy. Today Carol wasn't alone either. I saw first hand how she is treated by both her husband and son. She's a second class citizen, the door mat who makes their life easier by not being a bother.

Carol asked for my phone number again today. I hope she phones, but I don't expect she will.