The date tonight was a no show. I had a pretty strong feeling he was going to not show up or cancel (preferred option as I didn't really NEED to freeze waiting for the bus to and from). But, I showed up cause I had said I would.

I did think he might come. We had been talking about a mutual interest in the paranormal, local history and the old buildings. But, I was there early and waited until quarter after when I had to leave to catch the bus home. (Didn't really want to spend a half hour waiting for the next one).

On the plus side, I did finish the book I was reading and the coffee I got at the Second Cup was pretty good. Not as good as the caramelo flavour or the latte would have been. I decided to try something else.

Update: It is 3:30 AM and I am at my sister's house, just finishing the last of my laundry. It has gotten way behind with Sears not getting the new machine working for so long. I am happy to feel clean, warm clothes again, especially when they are my own and not the laundry I have done for my sister's family here. Anyway, I did hear from my Friday evening date. He was just late. Actually, must have missed me by the barest minute. I left at quarter after. Poked around, taking a few photos of the lights on main street. Then headed up to catch the bus. He got there about 18 minutes after. My coffee cup was still on the table even. So we will try again.

Funny how the same thing happened last week with a different guy. In that case he started talking about sex, sex, sex and sex and when I didn't have the right answers for him he just forgot I existed. I am sure that is why I decided I was stood up again tonight rather than waiting until tomorrow to be sure. I did check email just before I left Barrie to come out here tonight though. That was about 8:30. So I wasn't too quick to jump to conclusions. Quick enough maybe, on messy, snowy night. But, I didn't blow a gasket at least.

I am so tired now. Just need to flip the last load into the dryer. I really hope the dryer from Sears works and that is not the next thing I need to deal with. I want a break. One day without problems I didn't cause. Really, doesn't is seem fair that you should only have to deal with the stuff you have messed up yourself? Isn't that enough?

Nightie night.

From Bev on Facebook: 12 Things (You Shouldn't Really Tell People About Yourself).

1. What is your most obsessive thought? So hard to pick just one. Seriously. I guess it would be the feeling of being oppressed and trapped by people and circumstances. I've often thought my life would be so much simpler if I could have a lobotomy and then just go along and do what everyone wants me to do without feeling I want to do anything my own way or have something of myself ever again.

2. Where is your favorite place in the world, and why? Right where I am at this moment. Anything else is either a memory or hasn't happened yet. I like to think of places I have been sometimes, wonderful things I have seen but my favourite place in the world is always right here and right now. From this moment in space and time everything is ahead of me and here I am right in the middle of the past and the future, in this moment, living it.

3. What's the one thing your parents don't understand about you? I'm not as stupid as they think I am and yet I'm actually stupider in a way.

4. If you could relive a single day or moment, what would it be? None, nothing. I don't want to go back for anything. Though I would like eternal life so I don't have to stop and leave the ride.

5. Under what circumstances have you been closest to death? Three different times in my life when I came really close to suicide and madness. Once as a teenager, another time during my divorce and another time when things were very desperate and I was very trapped and alone.

6. What is the worst betrayal you have ever experienced? I don't know. I just don't hang on to those things. There are people I wouldn't touch with a ten foot pole but I don't remember why, just that they've burned every bridge and won't be getting any leeway from me.

7. What is the most meaningful "I love you" someone has said to you, or that you have said to someone else? I don't say it and when I do it is hard to push the words out. I can tell my nephew I love him cause I've been saying it since he was a little boy. I couldn't tell my Dad I love you before he died and I'm not sure if I really even regret that. Either way it's done. I don't think I really believe it any more when someone says it to me. The words just don't seem to mean anything to people and they mean too much to me. But, in family it is there and has been tested enough over time that the words don't really need to be spoken. I know we love each other even if we hate each other for a short while.

8. What was the single most terrifying moment of your life? Going through a divorce, very alone and being trapped by circumstances. Having a day when I realized how thin and flimsy it was to go from sane to madness and knowing I was there but for the leap. It was terrifying to know I could lose myself, the only thing I really ever had to count on.

9. If you have experienced a moment of sudden faith or loss of faith, what prompted it? Having your best friend, husband and the man who said he loves you turn around and start mentally abusing you is a pretty nasty moment of having your faith crushed.

10. If you could take back one thing you have done, what would it be? I'd take back eating all these Valentines chocolates I bought on sale today.

11. What is your greatest talent or accomplishment? Art whether its photos, crochet embroidery, sewing, ASCII art, drawing, writing or anything else I have tried, I am who I am because creating makes me feel I'm more than just who I am. I feel I have accomplished something, talent or no.

12. What is the most joyful moment you have experienced? Thinking I was really in love and loved in return. I saw the whole world in brighter colours and everything looked so much better for awhile. I finally understood what romance and love were about.

I'm hoping tomorrow will bring the start of better things. Though I shouldn't become pessimistic and not enjoy the good things just because I feel down about the un-good things.

Most of this week I will be at my sister's house in Newmarket. Mainly because she and her daughters are away visiting our Mother in Florida for the week and I didn't like to leave my nephew, Zack, alone so much time. His Dad is here and I know would do his best. But, they now have two businesses to run and there isn't any way he could handle all that by himself for a week and keep Zack company. So here I am. I'm also down to a few last dollars and they are turning the power off on the house for the neverending story of renovations. I hope all the fish and such which I have in the freezer will be ok. I bought it when the oven/ stove was still functional. Who would expect they could break that? It was brand new. Anyway, I'm tired of problems and not having an oven or laundry washing or money.

I'm reading a new book from the second hand store. It's by Gena Showalter. About people running a business to catch cheating husbands and wives. Basically they have staff who dress up like easy pickings and send them out to tempt the cheating spouses. I think it's a bit silly. Most men (and some women) are likely to take up that kind of offer if they actually get a chance. In reality they aren't likely to get a young woman who looks like a porn star unless they have something she wants. But, the women who catch the cheaters are only checking up on them cause the wives or girlfriends have cause to be suspicious. So, most likely, they are screw ups, literally.

I don't understand why married people cheat. I guess too many get married for stupid reasons and then can't be bothered to care about or respect the person they are married to. I only seriously considered sex with someone else while I was married for the short time when I wanted to have kids and the husband decided he didn't. In that case it wasn't about the sex or finding someone new and exciting or any of that BS. I just really wanted at least one kid of my own. Now, here I am, 44 and single and it's not likely to happen. I'm divorced so I could screw around until I turn up pregnant. But, that's not me. First, I just don't want such casual sex. I'd like him to at least know who I am and have some real care and respect for me as a woman versus a plastic blow up doll. Second, being a single parent just isn't all that appealing. I have seen how important it is for kids to have two parents.

Anyway, that's the chatter for tonight. I am so crazy tired. If I'm not doing something and just sit down I start to fall asleep right away. Maybe it is the stress. If I stop to think I do feel pretty upset. The key is to just not stop and think. Much more fun to daydream instead. It's funny how many times I have caught a Keanu Reeves movie on lately too. Funny in a weird way almost. Don't think I'm being foolish about not thinking about the reality. It's just that thinking about it just to stress yourself out isn't going to be of much help. I think about it when I have something real I can do and plan.

Maybe the cheque will hit my bank tonight or tomorrow and I can start paying the bills. One of them has begun to phone this week. If I can pay off a good chunk of it I won't have to call them back. That would be nice.

Tomorrow the birthday hits the fan though. Has anyone ever wanted to be 44? It just sounds old. Repetitive too. 42 wasn't so bad. For a year I was the answer to life, the universe and everything. 44 is just a waste of space. Like a stutter. Not that I'm willing to skip it and rush into 45 though. Now that I think about it... 44 isn't all bad.

I feel like I'm not quite living on the planet along with everyone else these days. I'm daydreaming more cause they are such simple things. Instant pleasure, no complications and completely under my own control. (I can do all kinds of things with Keanu and he is quite happy about it all).

In reality... I have bills stacking up (I don't owe anything as of this month but next month they will all slide together and start attacking me). I don't have any income. Which is really bothering me as far as that whole bill paying thing.

Can you believe a Keanu Reeves movie just came on?.. Sure I'm watching the Space Station, have been most of the night. But what an odd coincidence. He always has good timing in my daydreams too.

Anyway, back to reality. I have the option (if I can figure it out) to retrain and have the course paid for. I have to figure out where the course I want to take is and how long I can manage to go back to school. Not just time and money but the fact of being back at school when I'm about to turn 44.

There's another little dose of reality, 44. Not just a double digit but repeating itself. Would be ok if it were 33, that doesn't seem so bad. I can't hide from my birthday now that it is nearly December.

I really don't like job hunting. But, there isn't another way to get another job. I really don't know how I can do another customer service job. I'm so burnt out on all of that. Just makes me cringe to think about doing all that again for another company, another location and through the Barrie winter too. Bus rides are just not that popular when the snow is up past your knees and the bus routes tend to get shut down each time it snows really hard.

In general I'm dreading having to make all these decisions. Still have the excuse of gathering the facts. But that can't go on for much longer.

Whatever happens will happen though and I will be here to see it. Sometimes you can pretend you are just on the sidelines to your own life and look at it with the nice shiny rose coloured glasses. Makes it a lot easier and saves you extra stress. I do that a lot. Keanu doesn't mind.