I don't really think I'm ever going to find a man to share my life with. I'm not sure what's so wrong with me but I it's something. People can sense it in some weird way, a vibe, a smell, a whatever. I don't know. The only people who are attracted to me are the needy. Men and young people who need someone to listen to their problems, their life stories and give advice, pretty much anything but money. That's one commodity I don't have.

I don't want to be needed. I want to be wanted, desired, lusted for and at the top of his to do list. Do me, do me cause you want to not cause I asked, not cause I guilted you into it. Do me cause I'm what you want. Be with me cause I'm interesting, attractive, good company and a lot of fun in the bedroom. Don't bother with me cause I'm a good listener and you need someone to weigh down with your life's history of problems. I have my own I really really really don't want yours too.

Why doesn't anyone really want me? I'm feeling old and worn down by being needed.

Comment

agingyoungrebel

I know the affliction, I call it "Wailing Wall Syndrome", and at times, I've had it too...

Age is just a number... ever hear that one? Sure you have. But, when a 17 year old boy becomes interested in you (yes in THAT way) age is a lot more than a number.

I'm only the smallest bit flattered. I don't think he likes me cause I'm especially hot I think he likes me cause I'm not some awkward 16 year old girl and too self involved to chat with an awkward, sort of shy 17 year old boy. The only way that flatters me is that I'm chatty, in a nice way.

I can't date this boy. Yes, I admit I allowed myself a fantasy or two, just for fun. But the reality is that I'm more than 20 years older than he is. That's a lot of life lived. When you're that young you think you know everything, can understand everything. But, baby, I've lived it and it's a lot different 20 years later.

So, I won't date the 17 year old boy. I'm not sure going out for a coffee after work is ok. But, I've done that with other people from work.

The funny thing is that I wouldn't have thought twice about should I or shouldn't I except for a 21 year old woman at work who thinks the boy and I would be really good for each other and we look really cute together. That doesn't make a relationship. I have a feeling also, that a 17 year old boy can't even imagine the kind of relationship that I'm looking for. It's out of his scope. Just like me.

Comment

agingyoungrebel

You're right, the kind of relationship you're looking for is probably WAY out of his league. If the 17-year-old had NOT been a co-worker, I would have said "go for it anyway" (it's an experience, you've got nothing to lose, there's always a chance that it COULD work out, stranger things have happened, et cetera, et cetera: I think you know all the reasons one could come up with just as well as I do), but having a relationship with someone from work is already difficult in itself, and if that someone is 20 years younger (or older), well, I don't have to go on, do I?

Anyway, I think you have a right to feel flattered: not many women have teenagers fall in love with them...

I'm tired. I did some pay day shopping today. Bought new boots for winter, men's boots cause they fit nicer and give toe wiggling room. Also, you can buy a size 7 instead of an 8. Silly, but kind of nice.

I bought some things for my sister's mother-in-law's birthday party on Saturday. I have Saturday off!!! That doesn't happen often. Nice to be going to a party for Rhoda. She is a lovely lady, very generous of heart. It surprises me that someone can be like that. People say I'm nice but I would never be as nice and generous as Rhoda is. Sometimes I think I'm too broken to be that open any more.

My Mother is doing the controlling thing again. If I opted for a lobotomy she could just sweep me along and I'd do everything the way she wants, when she wants and how she wants. If only I could stop all these urges to try to be a person. How silly of me. Ugh! How can you tell your Mother she's overly controlling? Especially when I have no where else to go? Of course, I can always be that bag lady I know I can be. I'm already in training for the part. Just look at my car. Full of stuff my Mother decided to get rid of for me. How kind, how can I ever .... I don't even know. Too bad you can't just stop things for awhile and think. Time just keeps flowing on, you're really just a pebble in it's way.

I know what that title means. You can guess at it, but I don't feel like writing about it. Well, I do but I don't feel like thinking about it all in depth tonight. I just don't have time to spare for my own feelings.