I'm kind of scared. I'm trying not to be. David probably isn't scared, not much anyway. I'm not sure how he is doing it. How do you take a big chance on someone? How do you just let them become such a big, important part of your life? How do you love someone? I'm starting to love David.

But, I've been here before with these online things. At least three times that come to mind now. One was Dave, the helicopter pilot. He wanted me to move to Oregon. He wanted me to do kinky things to him that I wasn't really sure about. But we talked a lot. He was the channel owner of the chat channel on IRC. I liked being the main squeeze of the guy in charge. I know that was probably what made him attractive to me at the time. Then, one night the rug began to slip out. I had to drown a few kittens that day, a mercy killing. It was horrible and I came online pretty upset and just wanted him to listen and sympathize. He couldn't. He just wanted to talk about himself. My needs were pushed aside so he could tell me about his own. That was when I knew this wasn't going to be the guy I wanted. Later he had a terrible accident in the helicopter, delivering Christmas trees. But, even before that I knew I wanted out. It was just harder not to feel like a bitch when I left. I did though. Yes, he needed someone, but it didn't matter if it was me or some other female. Anyway, he was never the same after the accident.

There was Sherkhan (Richard) before helicopter Dave. But that ended as friends, good friends. I do miss him and wish him all the best. Last I heard he was with another online friend. They've been together awhile now. I wish I hadn't lost their email addresses. Too much moving and computer death.

There are three more I've thought of as I type this: Artistry (Dale), Chris and Lynn my dragon friend. Lynn and I were never romantic. But, I wondered. I loved him in some way, more than just a friend. I don't know what he felt, he was kind of closed off. A hard person to really know. I did feel love for him but it wasn't romantic or like brother and sister really. Maybe it was a seed that never sprouted.

Artistry, there's a story I'll never know the end to. I was brand new online. I fell madly in love. I thought he felt something. I don't know really. I think he played games and even if he really did have feelings for me I think the games mattered more to him. He made a sudden departure. It was a crushing defeat for me, for awhile. I lost all those feelings of being in love. I'd never felt that before or since. Not the passion, the way the colours in the world were all brighter and the way I could read a romance novel and really... get it! Artistry betrayed me, lied and then never would tell me what changed. Maybe he never felt anything. But I did. That much I've kept.

Chris then, the one that hid himself away. I think of Chris the most of them all. I wrote erotic stories for Chris. I made him my online lover. He was an Englishman living in Hong Kong. When I wrote him an email it was noon my time and midnight his time. But we were friends, real friends. I could tell him anything and I did tell him a lot. I know he cared for me at least as much as I cared for him. But, he couldn't take that final chance of actually meeting. He was a Scorpio. I've come to know how secretive Scorpios are. He just kept to the pattern. But, I'd be glad to talk to Chris again. I would love to know he missed me and our talks and our stories. I don't need him to love me. That's passed. But I miss that wonderful, warm friend. He will always be special in my life.

I married Todd. But I don't include him in the online romances. We were penpals for over 20 years then we met face to face. He kissed me and said there were sparks. But it ended in a divorce a few years later.

Now there is David. He tells me he loves me and I believe what he says. I just find it hard to believe it's me this is happening to. I'd given up after Todd. But I'm forever an optimist. I tried to meet more men. I answered their brief emails with as much of my whole heart as I could dig up. But each one fell flat. No answering beat, no pulse, no feeling. After a few of those I didn't even want to try. I wanted to beat men up in general. Those unfeeling clods! How dare they not see me. How dare they talk about the great woman they want to meet and then ignore me when I'm sitting right here! How dare they start something they can't bother to finish? How dare they strike a match and leave it to burn itself out, unnoticed.

So here I am now and there's David. I'm afraid it will be some joke of fate. After all this time how can I now find someone that really does want me in spite of everything. It can't be real. I keep sending him reasons he shouldn't love me. In case he changes his mind now when it's not too hard for me to lose him. But he still says he loves me and he'll wait right here for me. He's coming here for me. He didn't even expect me to move there. He's moving here, uprooting his life and his computer and coming here. There is nothing here but me. How can I live up to that? What if I'm not good enough? Not that I think I'm not. Mostly some of the time. Now and then I feel I'm half of a really great couple, the sort of couple who grow old together and are the envy of all their grandchildren. Now and then it's so close I can almost taste it. But I'm still alone. It's not easy to have faith but I'm trying. I'm trying for David cause I think he's worth it. I am too.

When you climb a high hill you have to fall down eventually. At least I'm home again, with bruises but this time I didn't lose an anything I haven't lost before.

There's always the question of was it worth it and would you climb another high hill. I expect I will, in time. I seem to be destined to keep climbing hills no matter how much I wish I'd just stop and stay home where it's always the same, not happy maybe but comfortable.

Right now I'm glad to rest awhile between high hills.

If you wait long enough it'll be tomorrow. Just sit still and feel nothing. Eventually it will be tomorrow and then next year and the next year and the next year. Why blow off the dust when it's so nice and soft and doesn't ask you for anything. I could live among the dust bunnies. Maybe if I'm really quiet they won't even notice me there. If you wait long enough eventually nothing will matter any more.

This is what I'm working on but reading it back it sounds so ick! Definitely in need of more work.

Love, is it a verb, does it still have any real meaning and do you really love making love as much as you love your Mother and your stuffed poodle? I love it, I'd love to go, I love you: what the hell does that mean any more?

When you tell someone you love them does it mean you like them but you really love ice cream with mashed potatoes? Love is overused to the point of being a broken record. Some people say the word far too easily and others can hardly say it at all, unless they're describing something they love. See what I mean?

I don't say 'I love you' to anther person easily, if at all. But, I do say I love ice cream, cheesecake, road trips, etc. So what does the word really mean? Has it become meaningless?

Can you love someone at first sight? Can you love someone you've never met? Or can you only love someone you've spent 50 years with, fighting life's battles together, sharing the best of times and being together in spite of all the little things you just can't stand about them? Is love a battle field? Is love enduring? Is love a disease? Maybe love needs to be tested before it can be trusted.

When someone says 'I love you' you're supposed to say it back. There's a lot of pressure to return the words. But, co-erced words don't count. So it's pretty risky to say you love someone, first. What if they don't feel the same way but cave to pressure and in the end you're the only one in love and they're just in like. What if they really love peanut butter or red flannel shirts? Is that a list you want to fit into?

Greeting cards deal out love. They're just words typed on paper, words not spoken. They're dry and shallow. So easy to mean every word and yet they're meaningless until spoken with the emotion of face to face. So hard to find a sincere greeting card, one without the mushy words you don't mean and don't want to give away so cheaply.

Then there's making love, is it really just sex or are you making love? Are you using your body to express love you might not even be able to say in words?

Well, must get motivated or at least get dressed and in the car heading for work. I don't want to go!!!

If I'd had the money and the patience I would have gone to university and I would have considered becoming an anthropologist. That's someone who studies people and cultures. You look at art, traditions, basically find out who they are from what they do, or did. I suppose I am still an untrained anthropologist, in the way that most of us are. I watch people, I read, I come up with my kitchen sink type theories about life, the universe and everything.

So, this newsletter is a bit like that. The only ongoing theme will be Canada, my native land, the great white north and all the other romantic and silly names it's known by.

Often Canadians are told we don't have a culture of our own. I don't agree. We know we are Canadians, different from the English and French who landed here and shafted the natives. We know we aren't American, though we'll allow we are North American. Still, that's a different thing. So, if we know we are different then we also must have our own distinct and unique culture.

So, this newsletter is going to be about Canadian culture, more or less. No doubt I'll find ways to stretch the topic when something of greatness occurs to me. You can look here for Canadian customs, beliefs, art, folksy stuff, sayings, lore and most of all people. Not always famous people. Besides, most of the people I consider famous you may never have heard of.

PS- There really is a Canadian World Domination Plot. We're just really polite about it.