Why does any one person need or have so many blogs and journals? I don't know, don't even ask me.

I'm cold tonight. It's like all my ghosts are standing behind me blowing, soft chilling breaths down the bacl of my neck. They are there, ghosts I mean. Not spooky, white sheets. All the ghosts. The people who came into my life, were reflected on my mirror and then sank back into the shadows. Never seen again, but thought of once in awhile.

Karen Pownell, where are you? Lately it's you I've been thinking of. Do you remember the nose picking song? Probably not. You had so many friends and I wasn't even one of them. If I had just been less worried about what everyone thought of me we would have been great friends. I still think of you but lately I've been thinking of you more often. Whatever did you do with the rest of your life? If anyone is about my age (39) and lived in The Rouge (Port Union in general) in the east end of Scarborough send me a note. It would be great to hear from other old people. :) Who knew you really could get so damn old! I was a year back, everyone in my class was one year older than me. They're all 40 now! I still have about 8 months to be in my 30's. Just barely, but still there.

I am ldr (long distance dating) with Eric. I don't like it. I like him I just don't like being with him virtually. It's not enough. I decided to try again it seems only fair that I get that chance. I think I'm going to crack up on this long distance part. It's no one's fault, not even mine. Dating again is hard. I've been dumped every time or found out something that just proved I have no dating sense what so ever. You think you're smart until you do something really stupid. So many things spinning through my brain like lightening on the water. In the end I just come to the same conclusion, keep trying. Give it a chance. Not every guy or every situation or every decision I make has to be a bad one. Just because my track record with these things is pretty ugly... I want it to work. Yes, there are pretty huge details to figure out. Kind of overwhelming when I dare to stop and think. He once said he doesn't want to get married again. I don't want to be the ever ender girlfriend though. Do I want to be some kid's evil step girlfriend? I don't want to be disliked just cause I exist. Then, do I really want to be married again, go through that again, take that chance again? Eric isn't messy or dirty. It won't be like that again, but it still scares me. I never want to be there again, trapped and no one even really believing me. They thought I should have just tried harder. But I was trying my hardest. Trying hard doesn't matter. Some days were so bad and everything was my fault cause I wasn't doing enough, trying enough, being enough. Never enough. Just not enough of me. So empty. So nothing.

I still remember the road kill. It was like a symbol for everything. Road kill, the fresh kind, splattered and bloody and chunky. Or, road kill, the kind that has become plastered to the road, dried up by rubber burning over top of it. Little flakes fly up as the cars drive over. Even the maggots have left it to harden and crust on the road.

I've never looked at road kill the same. I never will. If I had just listened on the way down to meet him the first time. When he was still just a man on paper. All the way driving down there, over 15 hours, road kill was amassed everywhere along the way. At the time I thought it was strange to see so much road kill. More than usual I thought. But, I made my own fate. I didn't listen to the signs though I acknowledged them at the time. Later, there was always road kill. Even talk of road kill, eating road kill deer. Road kill was everywhere, like a theme. When I left I was road kill myself.

But I lived. Crawled away. Peeling myself off the tar. I'm not road kill any more. I don't know what changed exactly, how I fixed myself. I thought I was unfixable for a long time. I'm not sure now if I gave up or not. It was a muddled time. Pure satire that I learned to drive then and became someone capable of making road kill myself. I did hit a chipmunk at some point. There is irony in life.

Anyway, that's far more blab than I intended to get into. Actually, I was only going to post this quote:

"In every corner of my soul there is an altar to a different god." - Fernando Pessoa

Comments

agingyoungrebel

found out something that just proved I have no dating sense what so ever. You think you're smart until you do something really stupid.

Heh! Welcome to the wonderful world of dating, where nobody ever really learns, where everybody can (and probably will) make the same mistakes over and over and over again, and where the only way out is to make a gamble or a guess.

Some are lucky, some are not, and, just like in gambling, some cut their losses (too early sometimes), some keep on playing they win (some are wise enough to quit if they win, some are not), and some keep on playing no matter what (and risk losing everything)...

In the end I just come to the same conclusion, keep trying. Give it a chance.

That's the spirit!

I wish you only the best, I think you deserve it.

me

I hope you find someone special too. You seem to meet so many women but haven't quite found one to tickle all your fancies the right way at the right time. Something like that. :)

Once you're labelled overly dramatic and too sensitive can you ever trust yourself and your feelings again? Is anything you feel real or is it all part of some self created melo drama?

Comments

agingyoungrebel

I can only answer that I wouldn't trust anyone who has no sense of drama and/or is insensitive. For what it's worth, and from the little I know, I would trust you...

me

I trust too easily. So I'm not sure what that is worth. But, I trust you too. :)

Anonymous - Anti-Mellow-Drama

Dramatic, but not overly so, I shouldn't wonder. I certainly like your style as is. Don't change, for heaven's sake. You are uniquely you.

You commented on 'the PBGs Path' so I came to check out your blog. The link you left took me to your backwash site. But I couldn't leave a comment there without registering. A quick Google brought me to theshedragon. From there, I found your livejournal. How many blogs do you have?? I want to link to your site, but which one? I jealously guard my links, so I want your highest quality (and most frequently updated) site.

Tim R., 'Columnist' of http://pbgs.blogspot.com

This morning Eric left to go back to Vancouver. I spent the whole day feeling sad. I wrote to a friend online and she told me how silly I was being (probably). Then I finally stopped being quite so silly and I went offline to check the phone. There were 4 messages from Eric while he waited at the airport to take off. Now I know I was being too silly for words today. I feel so much better, even my headache is starting to go away. :) Eric is a wonderful man. Yes, I know it's too soon and Yes, I know I'm not really sure what I feel but I love him. I don't just like him. I can't help it.

Sagittarius and Sagittarius

When two Sagittarians come together, they form a brilliant union of truthseeking travelers. This duo takes on the world through educated lenses and shares the quest for new knowledge. They enjoy pleasant conversation and banter that challenges and entertains the mind. Philosophy, concentration, and an occasional hotheaded dispute characterize the Sagittarius-Sagittarius relationship. Easygoing and independent, this couple is compatible when it comes to balancing personal interests. Jealousy is not an issue, as each partner has personal projects that they pursue in their free time. When they are together, however, they make the most of their time and really care about pleasing their partner and satiating common interests. Flexible and modern, they can, at times, lose their temper. However, it is not in the Archer's nature to hold a grudge or feel the effects of long-term disagreements.

Sagittarius is ruled by the Planet Jupiter. Expansion is the key word here; as both partners enjoy the acquisition of knowledge, they will also enjoy adding new and exiting ideas to their relationship. They must be wary of indulging in too much excess, as such gluttony will only slow them down. Their mutual charm and wit makes them a very pleasant couple not only to one another, but they will be the first on everyone's invitation list.

Sagittarius is a Fire Sign. Two Fire Signs together merge to build a taller flame. They constantly reach out together and experience life: you love to share vacations or archaeological digs rather than just reading about them in books. Outgoing and friendly, it is the disease of the Sagittarean psyche to speak before thinking, thus finding them self in awkward social situations at times. The two love to begin new projects, but neither have the tenacity to keep them going and they both lose interest equally quickly. Both are eager to move ahead to the next new thing.

Sagittarius is a Mutable Sign. The flirty, exciting Sagi is incredibly easy to get along with, for the most part. Arguments rarely result between them. Both are only too happy to accommodate their significant other. Every so often a stubborn thorn will pop up, but neither partner dwells on this subject and the matter is quickly forgotten.

The best aspect of the Sagittarius-Sagittarius relationship is their enviable compatibility and their shared interest in a quest for knowledge. This pair has found the perfect balance between devotion and giving each other adequate space. Together, this couple will explore the world.

Take my hand. Let's travel life together... but let's take time to savor where we go.

We'll measure distance, not in miles but kisses. We'll pack our smiles and leave our cares behind.

Instead of postcards, we'll collect embraces, and I'll memorize your face on moonlit nights...

We'll leave the road for meadows, beaches, cafes, and secret places only we will know.

Life's too short for us to ever finish a journey that explores our heart's desires, so let's go now...

We won't regret one minute of traveling life together hand in hand.

Alarie Tennille